Freedom

I'm waiting for the collective gasp. The looks. The stares. The whispers. I did something that many just won't understand... but maybe. Just maybe. Others might know what I'm talking about. Maybe they'll do it too.

I broke up with Facebook. Yep. You read it correctly. I broke up with Facebook. It really wasn't difficult... although they really fought for me. I just had to put my foot down. Say enough is enough. Cut the tie.

I laughed as I said goodbye. I had to choose a reason for leaving. My choice? I don't find it useful. Their response? Find more friends. Download more things. Really? So, then I decided to see what would happen if I clicked, "spend too much time on Facebook." The response? Don't get the notification emails. But really, they didn't have my reason...

I signed up for Facebook because I got an invitation from a friend. Of course I wanted to be her friend. She was my friend. I gave them all my info and was amazed at how quickly I started hearing from people I hadn't heard from in years. College roommates. High school friends. There were games. It was fun. Then I just got overwhelmed.

How do you even start to keep in touch? And really? I was getting friend requests from people who I didn't really even know. People I went to high school with that, let's face it, I don't really think they were wanting to get back in touch...

I wasn't one to make many friend requests. I didn't want to assume someone wanted to be "my friend". I didn't want to make them feel awkward if they wanted to say, "no". But, by the time we broke up, I was a little amazed. There were many people that had "found" me that I would love to keep in touch with and others that, as I said, I'm not sure why they asked to be my friend in the first place.

As overwhelming as it was to me, that wasn't the reason I left either. I left because I'm insecure. Always have been. Probably always will be. I left because I started feeling like I was in high school again... pretty much the most insecure I've ever been. Not pretty enough. Not liked enough. A wall flower. Unable to measure up.

I sat wondering why so and so didn't write ME a message. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get up and go work out like this person? Why can't I go on outings with my kids like that person? Why can't I clean my house as much? Satan was loving every second.

It's ridiculous really. I know. I know. I know too, that I can't allow the enemy to pick on me like that. It's even started to flow over into blogging. The one thing that I have loved doing. The one thing that I've been able to keep safe. Not caring how many comments or who comments. Writing my thoughts has truly been therapeutic. But, oh how that darn insecurity has been flowing over.

I've started caring. Wondering why I don't get comments. Wondering if people think my thoughts are dumb... am I dumb? I see how many come take a peek. Way more than I ever thought... If they liked me they'd comment. I've started comparing other people's comments to mine. Other people's followers to mine. I even lost a follower. Which causes me to wonder. What did I say? Did I offend? Or am I just downright boring? I wonder what makes people come back. Why do they keep reading?

It's all ridiculous. I know that I truly don't care. That my blog was not created to boost my ego. My blog is not about wanting people to like me. Or even approve. My blog IS about my thoughts. My struggles. My joys. My blog IS about my walk with God. My blog is a way for me to get my thoughts out. To see God in all of it. I pray that my blog blesses others. I pray that my struggles bless others. I pray that it's not all for nothing...

I have a friend. She's been my friend for a few years now. But, just recently we started getting to know each other better. She has had struggles. Struggles that I'm dealing with now. Her walk has blessed my life. She has mentored me. She has said how thankful she is that her years of struggle could bless me. That they would not be wasted. I am so thankful for her. Thankful that she's been there, done that. Thankful that I'm not alone on this journey. I KNOW I have God, but it's nice to have a friend too!

That's what I hope for my blog. That it could touch others. That God would be glorified through my every day. When I start feeling insecure. When I make my blog about me and my needs, I'm doing exactly what I don't want...

So, I did it. I broke up with Facebook. I don't regret it. I enjoy it really. It's been freeing. I can feel Satan getting pushed far from me. He isn't able to get me. I feel free. It's beautiful! Praise the Lord!

Love You Forever

I went in to kiss the kids last night. Tired. Depleted. Ready to collapse. Kissing my sweet baby. Enjoying every bit of him that I can still call baby. His forehead still having the little squish to it. His cheeks still nice and soft. And round. He's starting to smell more like a boy than a baby. I try to soak everything in. I don't want to forget...

I moved onto Caden. My sweet Caden. We seem to be butting heads a lot lately. He's growing up so quickly. He's now closer to 8 than 7. He talks back. He thinks he knows more than me. He is obsessed with TV and video games. We got into it yesterday. I had been working hard on the house all day. All I wanted was to go on a walk with my kids. I miss them. I miss laughing with them. Holding their hands... He did NOT want to go. He, of course, is not old enough to stay home alone AND I wanted time with him. He was NOT happy. He walked 10 steps behind me the whole time. He was saved by the fact that Daddy got home just as we were about to turn off our street. Lucky boy. He ran all the way home...

As I kissed his sweet head and gazed at his face, I started getting tears. Where has my baby gone? I instantly thought of the book, "I'll Love You Forever". I got more tears in my eyes as I said, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I hugged him. Kissed him. Told him I missed him.

I then moved on to my little Jack Jack. My pistol. I can only smile as I kiss him goodnight. He is spirited. He is sweet. I can't help but smile...

Their room is filled with emotions. Clinging to my babies... both big and small. Wanting them all to slow down. They won't. I know.

I think Caden misses me too... Last night, I heard the pitter patter of 7 year old feet. He'd had a bad dream. He hasn't done this since school started. How could I resist? I opened the covers and let that big boy in. He doesn't fit like he used to. He's all elbows, knees and bony shoulders... I enjoyed every single second. I soaked it up... who knows when I'll get that again. Or if I'll get that again. When he went back to his room a couple hours later I thanked the Lord for that interrupted sleep. Who knew? I never thought I'd thank the Lord for that. But, oh, what a treasure for this depleted mom. This mom who has no idea what to do with an almost 8 year old boy. This mom who wishes her babies would stay babies. This mom who is trying to enjoy it and never forget it.

Then, I got another blessing. 6:10 and Brenton comes in. He has discovered that he is a big boy. He hasn't wanted morning snuggles in quite awhile now... He melted into me. I layed there. Kissing his sweet head. Praising the Lord. Thanking him for not just one sweet snuggle moment, but two. Thanking him for blessing me so incredibly... even when I so do not deserve such sweetness. Even when I lost it with my children yesterday. He knew. He knew WE needed. Not just me. But my kids too. We needed it...

Then, blessing number three. We woke up to see the snow falling. It's beautiful. It's not a lot, but it's beautiful.

Thank you Lord for new days. Thank you for sweet moments. Moments of snuggling with bony almost 8 years olds. Moments of snuggling with a rambunctious 2 year old that I just want to hold a little longer. Thank you for beautiful snow... I love you.

"Come now, let us reason together, "says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

Not Me Monday

It's Not Me Monday... again. The day where you can let it all out. Where you can admit to the world (or anyone who wants to read) all the wonderful things you did in the past week. Of course, I would never do any of those things, but you get the picture. This whole thing was started by MckMama and if you haven't been there yet (which judging by the fact the she, alone, is my MOST popular exit link, I think you have!) Go. There. Now. She's funny. Real. And incredibly easy to relate to.

As for my Not Me's. There aren't many. It's been a long week. A tiring week. So, really, if anyone asks...

While on our way to church yesterday, I was not crabby because we had only gotten an inch and a half of snow. I did not find myself wanting to move. I did not suggest we move to Montana so that we could have the farm we want, the snow we want and so we could live in the middle of nowhere. I did not even go so far as to dreamily suggest that I could homeschool our kids if we moved to Montana. I know we can't move. Why would I want to? We live in the perfect state...

I was not so crabby AND antisocial yesterday, that I did not even want to go to church. GASP! My hormones are not rearing their ugly head. I did not try to avoid eye contact. I would never do that just so I wouldn't have to admit just how crabby I was. No one would want to hear that upon saying, "How are you?" I would never be that crabby. I would never allow my hormones to control me like that. Nope. Not me.

And even though the scale showed me at the same weight I've been at since September, I did not feel as though I had gained 20 pounds OVERNIGHT!! I was NOT cursing my hormones as I wrestled with my clothes. I did not feel like wearing sweats to church... only to find I had no clean ones. I am calm, cool, and collected. Again. I do NOT allow my hormones to control me like that. Nope. Not me.

While watching P.S. I Love You with Cory on Friday night I did NOT cry my eyes out. I did not feel entirely dehydrated by the end of the movie and feel the need to down a gallon of water. I would never cry that much over a movie. And I was NOT wishing I had some sort of idea what the movie was about BEFORE watching it... a warning would have been nice. I am NOT that morbid that I would wonder how in the heck I would be able to function if something like that happened to Cory. Of course, I can hold it together. Of course, I would never cry over a movie like that. Of course, I know it's ONLY a movie...

And I would NEVER talk about my stinkin' hormones so much in one post. My hormones do not control me. They would never cause me to be irrational. They do not cause me to bloat... enough said...

On Wednesday, when sitting through Cole's choir concert, by myself, with 4 kids, I did not allow my children to each bring a toy. I was not irritated by the fact that he had just told me about the concert the day before. I wouldn't have to be. He would have told us FAR enough in advance so that Cory would be able to come too. There is no way we would find out the DAY BEFORE. I did not allow Caden and Jackson to play their DS's during the entire concert. I did not allow Brenton to run his train ALL over his brother's heads. I was not entirely proud of Ella as she sat there completely silent. Enjoying every single second. I was not completely wiped out from attending said concert. I did not threaten to NOT attend if that ever happened again... Nope. Not me.

I did not try to eat much better this week so that I wouldn't feel the need to divulge all my shortcomings. Why would I be motivated by that? As I've already established, I'm an amazingly healthy eater. I wouldn't need to change my habits. And I did not do great almost all week... until my hormones came crashing in on Saturday. And Sunday. Again. I DO NOT allow my hormones to control me...

So, there you have it. All the things I did not do. But if I had, I surely wouldn't admit it... What did you not do this week?

25

I was over reading Megan's blog yesterday and she was talking about almost reaching 100 posts. I thought I might be getting close so I decided to take a peek. Holy cow! Today makes #95! Don't know what I'm going to do to commemorate, but I've got those wheels turning...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note. I've been tagged by two friends. Cassandra tagged me, passing along a list of 25 questions to answer. And Audrey tagged me to list 25 random facts about myself. And although I'm sure that everyone would love to know 50 things about me, I'm just not going that far! So, I thought I'd combine the two. Here you go...

1. Were you named after anyone? I was born on my mom's grandma's? birthday. Her maiden name was Tyler. My middle name is Tyler.

2. When was the last time you cried? At church on Sunday while praying for a friend who left for Nicaragua at midnight last night. She went on a mission trip with a group from our church.

3. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes. My writing changes depending on how I'm sitting, what I'm writing and how stressed I am.

4. Do you have kids? 4 boys and 1 girl. Ages 13 (boy), 7 (boy), 5 (boy), 3 (girl), 2 (boy)

5. Do you use sarcasm? Um. Yes.

6. Do your kids? Um. Yes. They're learning... Is that bad?

7. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes

8. Would you bungee jump? Um. NEVER... oh wait, can't say never. Then it would be sure to happen. So, I wouldn't prefer to.

9. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope

10. What's your favorite ice cream? Depends. At Christmas, peppermint. And lately, chocolate with chocolate brownie chunks. No idea what it's actually called...

11. What's the first thing you notice about people? Usually their eyes, but I'm not very observant... I would NOT be very good at having to ID a criminal suspect...

12. What are you listening to right now? Jackson and Ella playing NICELY!

13. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My Mom

14. Favorite sport to watch? Do I HAVE to pick one? Okay. The Olympics. All other sports bore me to tears...

15. Eye color? Hazel. Cory's eyes? Brown. Our kids? 4 blue and 1 brown... no hazel :(

16. My mom's eyes? Hazel. Cory's mom's eyes? Hazel. My kids? NO hazel :(!! Can you tell how I feel about that?

17. Do you wear contacts? Yes. My vision is 20/400 and something. I would be blind without glasses or contacts

18. What did you watch on t.v. last night? Worst Week and The Office. Funny. Funny. Funny.

19. What is the farthest you've been from home? Japan in the 7th grade.

20. I love being in labor. I love the last trimester of pregnancy. I would LOVE to be a surrogate... my husband thinks I'm crazy.

21. I would love to be a labor and delivery nurse or a doula... can you tell I LOVE the MIRACLE of birth?

22. I dream of going to Tahiti or Disneyland... Tahiti with my husband. Disneyland with my whole family.

23. Cory and I were only at our wedding reception for an hour and a half... took pictures, cut the cake, first dance, bouquet toss and out the door. I never even saw the food. We'd been dating for 4 1/2 years and we were done waiting...

24. While eating dinner in the restaurant of our hotel on our wedding night, our pastor came and sat down RIGHT next to me. He was there having dinner with his family. I was thoroughly embarrassed because I KNEW he KNEW what we had JUST done...

25. I am not a morning or a night person. I can't stay up late and I do not like talking first thing in the morning. It makes me flat out crabby! Give me an hour and I'm fine.

26. I go nuts when I can't figure out how to make my font ALL the same size if I've copy and pasted... help me please!!!

So, there you have it. 25... I mean 26 things about me you probably never wanted to know. If you're reading this, you're tagged. I'd love to know more about you... Have fun!

Catchy Tune

We were driving in the car the other day. Chatting. Talking with the kids. Then we both heard it. A catchy tune. Some catchy lyrics. Of course, we did not actually hear WHO was singing...

Two days ago I was in my car. Ella asked me to turn up the music. My girl has some good ears. It was the song. I caught a few more of the words and loved them.

Free To Be Me is the song. Francesca Battistelli is the singer... take a look and a listen.

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

We Tried

We had the best of intentions. We headed to bed at 9:30 last night. As I mentioned, I'm tired. Cory thought we should try to get more sleep. I'm so thankful for a smart husband. However, our night did not go as planned...

I woke up at 2 am. I could not go back to sleep. Cory was awake too... Last time I looked at the clock was 4 am. At 5:45 I heard the pitter patter of little feet. My sweet boy said his tummy hurt. I pulled him into bed. Snuggled him. Praying he would go back to sleep.

He seemed to sleep in between twitching. Rubbing my face with his hand. Playing with my hair. He was so sweet. I was not sleeping. Neither was Cory.

6:09 I try to take him back to bed. Begging him to be quiet. Praying that he wouldn't wake everyone else. It took some convincing.

6:25 he's fast asleep. 6:30 the alarm goes off. Seriously. This is what we get for trying to get more sleep? Cory hits snooze twice. We never press snooze. We debate the 3rd time... if we press it, Cory has to take the kids to school... there is just no way we could ever expect Cole and Caden to get out the door on time. They shouldn't have to hurry because we chose to stay in bed. We get up.

Thankfully, I can still see with my eyeballs. The truck has yet to run over me. I'm praying that the morning goes smoothly. I'm praying that our trip to the stores is okay. I'm praying for God's patience. I know I won't have it. I'm praying we make it through the day with no major meltdowns.

I'm thankful the sun is shining. I'm thankful we'll be able to spend more time outside today. I'm thankful that I only have 1 load of laundry to go... 1 toilet to clean... lots of snuggling to enjoy.

Praying that my agenda does not get too crazy. Praying I can keep it simple and just enjoy the day... especially when I've had little sleep.

Thankful I get to have coffee with friends in the morning. Thankful I get to know these women more. Thankful. Thankful. Thankful...

Not Me Monday

It's Not Me Monday again and man oh man, am I thankful. I'm thankful for MckMama and that fact that she so brilliantly started the "Not Me's". I'm especially thankful for Not Me's this morning. I cannot wait to go visit some blogs and have me some laughs. I'm tired. I'm worn out. It's only Monday. It's only 8:59. I have a long way to go. So here you go, all the things that I most absolutely did NOT do this week...

To start with, I did not just have to try and sign in to google 3 times. Having to backspace way too much. My mind is not foggy. My fingers are not getting ahead of themselves. I did not see the login. Know I needed to login. And yet, still proceed to start to type my full name... followed by trying to type the first sentence of my post... followed by trying to spell my name correctly. And I am not having a hard time typing at this moment. And seriously debating keeping all my spelling errors in here just so you can see how my brain is functioning this morning. That would be downright embarrassing. I would never. Not me...

I am not ready to run away to Mexico. And I definitely would not feel like that so early in the morning. Especially when I did not just have a day all to myself on Saturday. I am not already thoroughly exhausted just thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done today. The toilet that does not need to be scrubbed. The dishes that would never fill up my sink and the toys that most absolutely do not need to be organized. Nope. Not me. None of those things need to be done. So I do not need to do them. I might as well sit and read a good book today...

I did not completely enjoy a day away on Saturday. I would never be so indulgent. I did not scrapbook EIGHT pages while visiting with a woman I am so thankful to call "friend". I did not go into town in my husbands old sweats, greasy hair and no make-up. I care far too much what people think of me and I would never dream of embarrassing my friend like that. I surely looked just as cute as she did. Yep. I sure did!

And I absolutely did not wake up last week. Needing to go to the store. Wishing that I was of Finnish descent so that I, too, could look fantastic without make-up. I did not then proceed to put on make-up purely so that I did not scare all those who had to look at my tired face. Nor did I continue to wish my relatives were from Finland... Nope. I love my skin. I love the bags under my eyes. I love the smile lines. I love spending 10 minutes putting on make-up in the morning...

I did not finally take the nail polish off of my big toe that has been on there since October. I am much more on top of it than that. And I did not look at my feet the rest of the week and think that they looked so pretty without the chipped off nail polish. Again. I am MUCH more on top of it than that. And as I've already established... I care way more than that.

I did not have 3 people tell me I looked great at Mom's group last week. They did not then ask if I had lost weight. I did not then laugh and tell them "sure haven't". Of course I looked great. Of course I've lost weight. I did not then feel the need to be completely honest with them and tell them that there is NO WAY I could have lost any weight. Especially when I chased my oh so healthy salad with a Hershey bar last week. With peanut butter on top. Twice. In one day. And on another. I would NEVER admit that to anyone. Especially someone who thinks I lost weight. First of all, who eats like that? Second, who admits that? And third, REALLY???

I am not now motivated to get a little healthier so that I no longer feel compelled to share the gruesome details of my stress eating. I am not now motivated because I have to schedule a physical. I am not now motivated because I don't want the nurse or the doctor to know what I weigh. First of all, I've already established I don't stress eat. Second, we all know I look great and have lost weight. Third, why wouldn't I want the nurse and the doctor to know my weight? It's fabulous number one. And number two, they flat out don't care... Why would I need to get healthier. I already am healthy as can be. Yep. That's me...

I am not worried that people might start thinking that I've let myself go. I am not worried that I might end up on What Not to Wear one of these days. I have never gone to the website to see if I could nominate myself and I was not terribly disappointed when it said that I couldn't. As I said, I've never been there, so how would I know? And remember, I look fabulous??

I did not talk about sex on my blog last week. I did not recommend that anyone go get a little red in the face and read Song of Solomon. I would never dream of talking about sex on my blog. I would be far too embarrassed. And I did not act like a 2 year old in church yesterday as my pastor proceeded to talk about sex. I did not giggle with embarrassment and have to hide my face in my husbands arm. Nope. Not. Me. I am much more mature than that. I am almost 32 after all.

And I am not feeling a little better now that I've divulged all the things I did not do this week. I am not still having a hard time typing. We all know that I am Supermom. It's all good...

So, what did you not do this week? What things do you absolutely not need to confess? Head on over to MckMama's blog and go see what she and so many other would never dream of doing...

Keep Out

Something happened to me the other day. I have suspicions, but I really don't know what came over me. I didn't even realize what had happened until dinner time. Then it hit me.

I was crabby like no other. I was exhausted. I felt as though a truck had slammed into me. Then I realized...

Somehow. Someway. I had channeled Supermom. I wasn't even trying to. She snuck into my house. She threw on the costume and away I went. Holy cow.

Ask anyone who knows me. I am not a fan of Supermom. I think that she has a way of making other moms feel less about themselves. She causes us normal, average moms to feel like we are below average. If only we could do it all. If only our kids were always clean. Our houses were always clean. Our kids were always well behaved. We would have dinner on the table when our husbands came home. Sex every night. We would be perfect. Our lives would be perfect. We would be able to leap through the grocery store in a single bound...

I used to try and do it. You know. Be Supermom. I thought that's what we were supposed to do. Then I realized that is NOT what God has for us. It's just not. It's not about having everything perfect. It's about being the best mom and wife that we can. It's about teaching our children about God. It's about shining God's light. It's about having God's best for us and our family. It is NOT about being perfect.

The thing about Supermom is that she does not rely on God. She relies on herself. She is the superhero. Sorry Supermom. God is the only Superhero.

I realized the other night that I was so tired because I had done entirely too much.

10 loads of laundry at 1 hour and 15 minutes per dryer cycle

Folding said loads EVERY hour and 15 minutes... that's more often than you nurse a newborn!

Cleaning 2 of the 3 bathrooms... Cory was doing haircuts that night in the 3rd

Dusting the entire house... knocking some cobwebs down along the way

Cleaning the baseboards in the bathrooms

Making our bed... yes, this is NOT normal. Sorry Mom.

Playing with my sweet children

Cleaning out my washer... my sweet 13 year old had puked all over his bed the night before. I actually had to CLEAN the nasties from my washer. Yuck!

This list may seem like nothing to some and way too much for others. For me, it was WAY too much. I was exhausted. It took me 12 1/2 hours to do all that laundry and I still wasn't done. I was so tired that all I could come up with for dinner was baked potatoes. As they were cooking, I realized we had no sour cream. What's a tired mom to do?

My poor sweet family. Our cupboards are bare. My mind is a barren wasteland. We ended up having what my husband calls skillet. I chopped up those deliciously baked potatoes. Cooked up some chopped onion and some bacon. Shredded a little cheese and cooked it all together with some scrambled eggs. Nice. Easy. Breakfast for dinner.

What's frustrating is that I didn't even know she had taken over. Thankfully, I was able to realize it before it got really bad. Before I started putting my value in the things I had gotten done. Before I started getting frustrated because I had tried to do it all on my own.

It's just way too tiring to go it on my own. I need God. I may get exhausted even as God walks beside me. Even as He carries me. However, with Him, I get the wonderful comfort and closeness. I don't put my value in the "jobs" I do. I don't think I'm better because I got all those jobs done. I'm actually a little irritated. All it did was make me tired and crabby.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad those things are all done. Cole might be sleeping on a sheetless bed had I not. However, the way in which I went about it was all wrong. It caused me to be one tired, pooped Mommy. A mommy who collapsed into bed. A wife who was just WAY too tired. Sorry babe.

So, hopefully next time I can realize that she has snuck in the backdoor before my whole day is wasted. Wasted on chores. Yep. I just said that. Wasted. Why did she make me feel like I needed to clean the bathrooms too. Why did I need to dust and make my bed. My word. 10 loads of laundry over 12 1/2 hours was certainly enough for me. That in and of itself would have been enough. The bathrooms could have waited for another day. The dusting too for that matter. Darn that Supermom!

Stay out you crazy lady. Don't ever come back. I don't like you and you're not welcome here. God is my Superhero and I don't need you around telling me lies. Just keep out. Thank you.

For Mature Audiences Only

Have you ever sat down and really read your Bible? I mean really read it? I'm not talking the gospels. Don't get me wrong. Those are great. Obviously. But, there's some other REALLY good stuff in there.

Stuff to encourage you. Comfort you. Guide you. You get to hear God's heart. You get to see it lived out through Jesus. The Bible is awesome!

I, however, discovered a whole other side of the Bible yesterday. I read through a book that, quite frankly, I was a little embarrassed to read. A book that should start with a warning: FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY!!! I mean, holy cow!!! I was a little red cheeked and I'm almost 32 for Pete's sake.

I'm talking about Song of Solomon. Oh my. It even had me wishing that Cory would come home for lunch. Or maybe we could put the kids to bed early. Or maybe.... okay. I'll stop. But, SERIOUSLY. Have you read it?

Have you seen what God has just for us?? For our husbands?? Wow. It'll knock your socks off... or something like that.

Such love. Such passion. Such romance. It's all spelled out. Seriously. You can't miss it. You've got to go read it. Your husbands should go read it...

I love that THAT is in the Bible. I also love this part of the book...

"How beautiful are your feet in sandals,
O prince's daughter!
The curves of your thighs are like jewels,
The work of the hands of a skillful workman.
Your navel is a rounded goblet;
It lacks no blended beverage.
Your waist is a heap of wheat
Set about with lilies.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower,
Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon
By the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
Which looks towards Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
And the hair of your head is like purple;
A king is held captive by your tresses."
Song of Solomon 7:1-5

Did you read it? I mean REALLY read it? The curves of your thighs are like jewels? Curves. Your navel is a rounded goblet? Rounded. Your waist is a heap of wheat? Heap. Your two breasts are like two fawns. Have you ever seen big fawns?

I just love this. The bride is loved. Adored. A REAL woman. It does not say that she had a "perfect" body. She had curvy thighs. A rounded belly. A big waist. And to top it all off? Little tiny breasts. Praise the Lord!

And you know what else?? He thought she was PERFECT. Completely perfect. She was perfect.

I love this. As hard as I may be on myself, I know, without a doubt, that Cory thinks I'm perfect. He doesn't care that my thighs are curvy. That my belly is rounded. That my waist is thick. Nor does he give a rip that my two breasts have become two itty bitty fawns from nursing 4 kids. He loves me. He thinks I'm perfect. I love that!

Satan can get such a grip. He's absolutely had one on me in the past. Had me believing lies. Lies. Lies that put a gap between Cory and I. Lies that made me not want him to touch me. Satan loved every second of it... Praise the Lord God opened my eyes. He showed me what Cory saw. I no longer believe those lies... well, most of the time.

God has given us so many great words. This book is among many of them. It's opened my eyes to what God has for me. He gave us something so amazing. It truly is meant to be amazing. When I believe the lies, Satan throws a party. Seriously. That's just NOT okay.

So, I'll cling to God's word. And when I start to doubt them, I'll read them again... then I'll go blush a little.

This is What Happens

When you tell your sweet 2 year old to clean up this mess...


When you tell him that if he doesn't put the dishes away, you will put him away...


When he thinks this is a fun game and does not want to come out...


When you agree and let him stay awhile...


This is what happens when your wonderful 5 and 7 year olds will not stop fighting...


When your genius husband tells them they HAVE to hug for one WHOLE minute...


When your sweet 2 year old thinks it looks like fun and wants to get in on the action...


This is what happens when you get tagged for a meme from your friend Cassandra...


When you pick the 4th photo from your 4th album on your computer...


When you realize these were taken 3 1/2 years ago...


When you get wrapped up in looking at ALL the pictures in the folder...


When you cannot believe how much your family has grown...


When your babies were babies and wearing what your baby wears now...


When you simply cannot believe how much they've grown...


When some of your favorite pictures are in that 4th folder...


When you love where you are but miss those days and wish you could have bottled them up...

This is what happens when you tag your friends for a meme...

Sheelagh...

Amy...

Krista...

Lee Ann...

All you have to do is post your 4th photo from your 4th album. I can't wait to see what you have in there!

I'm Not Kidding

I'm not kidding when I say I have an amazing sister in law. An amazing, "older" sister in law. An amazing, "older", gracious, sweet heart of a sister in law. If she has a mean bone in her body, I am not aware of it. You say sweet, I think Kristin. She even gets a little red in the face when I tease about you know what. She's flat out sweet.

So, imagine my surprise when I opened my gift from her on Saturday. I wasn't even expecting to receive anything from her. And yet, there I sat, all excited...

I loved them. My children loved them. Does it get any better? It did take Brenton a little while to see what all the fuss was about though...


Are you just dying to know... what could this fabulous present be? Just what could my amazing, "older", gracious, sweet heart of a sister have sent me? Here I am enjoying them with my cup of coffee...


Here's Ella striking a pose...


Jackson thought they were the coolest and was so sad to see them go...


Brenton finally realized how incredibly cool they were...


Here's an up close...


And finally, for the full view...


If you're still wondering just what in the world you are looking at, you can see another picture of them here...

Thank you my amazing, "older", gracious, sweet heart of a sister in law. I love you and Happy Birthday!!

********Edited to add: She truly did NOT even think about the colors she chose to decorate them with. I truly did NOT even think about it either... until she pointed it out. Which had been pointed out to her by my brother. Wow. Aren't we observant?

Not Me Monday

It's one of my favorite days of the week. The day that I get to claim all the things that I most surely DID NOT do. I also love that MckMama has gotten this going among hundreds of bloggers. Go check her out and check out all the others playing along.

So, getting on to it. Here are all the things I absolutely DID NOT do... no matter what anyone might tell you...

I did not JUST take my Christmas tree down last Thursday. I'm much more on top of it than that. I would never want to keep my tree up just because I liked the warm feeling it brought to my family room. I would never debate trying to see just how long it would last. And I would not think it a grand idea to have a tree in my family room year round. Down right ridiculous. I would never...

I did not find a tiny spider in my cleavage while taking down said Christmas tree. I did not then proceed to smush the tiny little guy with my fingertips. First of all, my house is clean as a whistle and I would never find any spiders in my house. Second, I'm afraid of spiders. I surely would NEVER be able to kill one with my fingers. And third, my cleavage???

I did not find a worm inching across my kitchen floor after taking down said Christmas tree. Already establishing that I didn't JUST take it down. Already establishing there would never be critters in my house. Of course there was NOT a worm inching across my kitchen floor!

I did not decide to clean out my fridge. Finding all sorts of interesting treasures from years past... salad dressing that expired in September of '07. Chocolate fudge that expired in '06. Mayo that expired in October. I am much more on top of it than that. I most definitely would not waste food. I most definitely would not have things in my fridge that were on the verge of being vintage. Nope. Not me.

I did not wonder about one of MckMama's ways to keep her life going smoothly. I did not think it brilliant but sad when she said she bathes her kids in the evening and then dresses them for the next day. They sleep in their clothes so that she has one less thing to do in the morning to get her and her 4 babies out the door. I did not think it brilliant because that could definitely help with my time management. I did not because I DON'T have time management problems. And I did not find it sad because her kids are missing out on one of the best clothing items ever... pajamas! People might really begin to wonder about me and my pj's. They might think I have issues. Of course I don't. Not me.

I most definitely did not stay up way too late last night. Watching an angry man save the world. Hanging on every word said. Even having to sit up so that I could hear with both ears. There is NO reason. I already know that there is going to be a mini-save. The man will then go on to find the REAL threat. Saving lives. Ending lives. Stabbing pens into peoples legs. All the while, not looking stinky. Never needing to eat or drink. Saving the world. He would never need to turn his phone on vibrate. Why would I bother. I already know that in 24 hours, the world will be saved. He will be the hero. And yet, someone, somewhere will be mad at him. They will come after him. And there we have the cliff hanger for the next season. Why would I waste my time when I can tell you just how the season will go. It's simple. I wouldn't. Nope. Not me.

I did not get the most absolutely brilliant Christmas gift EVER. I was not excited when opening a present from my sweet sister in law. Wondering all the while why she sent me something. We don't exchange gifts. I did not shriek when opening said gift from sister in law. I did not then proceed to take LOTS of pictures of me with said gift... my children with said gift. I did not actually think that maybe, just maybe, she was on to something. I would never think that they were actually comfortable. And I most definitely, did not let my friend's little girl take them home when she fell so in love with them. Nope. Not me.

And I most definitely did NOT glance at my backside in the mirror before leaving for church. First of all, who does that? Not me. I did not then think to myself that I should change my jeans since I looked like an episode of What Not to Wear. And I most definitely did NOT decide that I didn't care and stay in said jeans. I care more than that. Really.

So there you have it. All the things I would NEVER dream of doing... What did you not do this week?

Boundaries

I'm learning a little about boundaries these days. I'm learning that I don't really have them. I'm learning that for some reason, I allow people to do things that others would never dream of allowing.

Trying on wedding dresses with you. When not even engaged. Not even close.

I told a friend about this the other day. It had recently crept back into my head. I never really realized that it even bothered me that much. Apparently it did. And it still does. Her response surprised me. She said many people simply would not have allowed that. I'm wondering why I did...

What's really sad is that I'll say yes or won't say anything at all. However, on the inside, I'll be boiling over with irritation and resentment. Those feelings then cause me to feel guilty. Guilty that I'm not more gracious. A more gracious person would not care. They would say yes. And truly mean it... I'm not so gracious.

In my head I would not be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend... Thankfully, I don't have to include Mom in there. Thankfully, I have boundaries with my children. They are learning and they do need boundaries. This just doesn't apply to them.

With others, I truly have a hard time saying no. I don't want to let people down. I don't like to disappoint. How can I show people God's love if I'm saying no. To me, if I say no, I'm being selfish. I've realized that to get around saying no, I just don't commit. It's not that I don't want to do whatever the thing is now, I just don't know that I'll want to do it later... I don't know how tired I'll be that day. I don't know what our life will look like that day. I don't know if I'll be hiding under a rock that day...

However, I'm learning. A work in progress. I'm learning that if I don't set boundaries, I suffer. My family suffers. I get stressed. My family receives my stress. Satan loves it. He would love nothing more than to break up my family.

I'm learning that setting boundaries not only affects myself and my family. It is also healthier for those around me. If I allow people to do as they please. If I'm always helping. They are not learning to stand on their own... to lean on God.

I've always seen boundaries as a negative. I am learning that that is simply not the case. Boundaries are healthy. For all involved.

I was at the chiropractor the other day and he had a verse up on the wall.

"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. " 2 Timothy 2:15

It struck me. I'm not great at interpreting. However, I read this verse and just felt like God was saying... When you stand before me, will you be ashamed? As my new favorite song says, am I doing everything to follow His will? What do His words have to say about boundaries? Did He set them? The answer? ABSOLUTELY!!

I've been on a journey through my bible and am currently reading Song of Songs... This book REALLY does not apply to my situation. So, I decided to sit down and start reading Timothy. What I saw was boundaries. Lots of them. God laying out the rules. I'm still in 1 Timothy but that is what I continue to see. Boundaries.

God set boundaries. So can I. It is not selfish. It is necessary. Now, the challenge is to figure out what HEALTHY boundaries look like. And as I said here, growing can be painful... I know too that once I get through it, I'll get to look back with excitement about my growth spurt.

Lord, I praise you for your faithfulness. I praise you for your words. Even as I don't understand many of them, thank you for speaking to my heart. You are amazing and I am truly blessed. Thank you for setting boundaries. Thank you for being gracious. Thank you for continuing to carry me through yet another trial. Thank you for amazing friends who speak your truth. Thank you for surrounding me. Thank you for the sun that's peeking out from behind the clouds right now. As if to say that it's okay. It will get better. You are here. I love you.

Mirror Mirror

Ella and I had a bit of fun the other night. After she got out of the bath we decided to braid her hair. And as I've mentioned before, I have amazing time management skills. So, when Cory came upstairs at 8:00 (bedtime) and said, "are you REALLY braiding her hair RIGHT now?" I replied, "Yes, honey. I started at 7:45, I thought that was plenty of time..." Oh the price of beauty. She missed out on 15 minutes of precious sleep...


And on another note. Who could resist this sweet picture?? Oh how these boys love each other...

Have You Ever Realized

You are a fixer?

It's not your job?

You don't know which end is up?

You want to be fixed?

That pain and isolation are not necessarily bad?

That in helping people. Walking beside people. Serving people... You aren't always being helpful?

That sometimes things that you think have NOTHING to do with you, have everything to do with your heart?

That God is NOT concerned with pain reduction?

That God IS concerned with matters of the heart?

That it's NOT your job?

That you have to repeat that to yourself over and over. And then again?

That God can bring a lot of memories back? Ones you didn't even know bothered you all that much?

That sometimes, your life looks like a movie?

That you wish that movie was a comedy?

That you have been a fool?

That you have tried to teach a fool?

That you can't teach a fool?

That only GOD can teach fools?

That sometimes that hurts all involved?

That in trying to fix, you are not allowing God to do HIS good works?

That God is the ULTIMATE fixer?

That it's not your job?

That praying your guts out leads to absolute exhaustion?

That absolute exhaustion makes you want to run into the arms of your Maker?

That THAT is exactly where God wants you?

That you have never been more thankful for your family?

That you are so thankful that it's not your job?

That you are so very very thankful?

Not Me Monday

It's Not Me Monday again. Love those Not Me's. You know. The things I would NEVER do. It's been a tough week, but there were still many things that I did not do...

I did not weigh the pros and cons of getting out of my brand new Christmas pajamas. I don't like them THAT much. I did not ultimately decide that I should get dressed simply because I wanted to wear my new jammies more than just 1 night. And I DID NOT look forward to getting back into them all day... First of all, why would anyone actually ponder whether or not they should get out of their jammies. I sure would not. And second, REALLY? Think about your pajamas all day? Think about how wonderfully warm and comfortable they are? No way. I love getting dressed way too much. I would never dream about my new comfy Christmas pajamas. Nope. Not me.

I was not sore the day after going on a long walk with my kiddos. My shins were NOT sore from jogging beside my sweet 2 year old. I am in much better shape than that. Really. There is positively no way I am THAT out of shape. Nope. Not me.

I did not lay awake more hours than I slept 2 nights this week. Worrying. Praying. And praying some more. Everyone knows that you should not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. Everyone knows that once you give it to God, He'll carry you. I would have more peace than that. I would be dreaming away...

And I surely would not then spend the next 2 nights sleeping like a rock. Waking up with an incredibly sore bladder. Having to pee like Seabiscuit. I would not be THAT tired. Because, I, of course did not spend the 2 nights before that laying awake. Remember? I was dreaming away... And I would NEVER make my sweet husband wake up with the kids 2 mornings in a row. We ALWAYS alternate who gets to sleep in. I would NEVER dream of taking those precious hours of sleep away. Not me.

I did not get incredibly excited last night as the snow dumped from the sky. I would never be excited about more snow. Of course I'm sick of it. I would never pray that school would be 2 hours late. I, of course, can't wait for the kids to go back to school...

I was not terribly disappointed when the weather man said that it was going to all turn to rain and melt away before morning. I was not terribly disappointed when school was not 2 hours late this morning... of course I can't wait to get back to my normal schedule. Of course, I can't wait to have 2 of my kids gone ALL day. I would never miss them that much. Nope. Not me. I can let go...

I did not want to crawl into my 7 years olds bed as he protested having to get up at "midnight". I'm an adult after all. I wouldn't dream of saying, "let's just do homeschool", PURELY because I now HATE getting up at 6:30. Remember? I love 6:30!

I did not have ice cream for dinner last night. I am simply smarter AND healthier than that. I would not have eaten ice cream for dinner just because it was past 8:00 pm and I had just gotten home. Who cares that it was past 8. I'm healthier than that. I would have taken the time to prepare a much healthier meal. And really, why would I do that? It would NOT help my waistline. Nope. Not me.

So there you have it. My Not Me's for the week... What did you not do?

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

It's not a competition. Seriously. Just because 2006, 2007 AND 2008 decided to be challenging, does not mean that you need to one up them. No one likes a "one upper". I promise. It gets downright annoying.

I'm praying that you're a bit like having a baby. Painful during delivery, followed by some sleepless nights, and lots of beautiful, healthy growing moments.

I know I said I was excited for you. I know I said I couldn't wait to see what you had in store for us. I know I said that I love growing and was eager to see where we would be at the end of this year. Let me clarify. I was not excited for trials so early on. Really. I was excited to see the joy in this year. The beauty. I WAS NOT excited for trials.

I know that God never promised that life would be easy. I know that God never promised that life would be pain free. But really. Enough is enough.

Thankfully, God did promise to be faithful. Thankfully, God did promise that if we would allow Him, he would carry our burdens. Thankfully, God has carried me more times than I can count. Thankfully, He is always faithful. Thankfully, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that even if you continue to be a challenging year, that God will ALWAYS be with us. Fighting for us. Fighting for those we love. Using EVERYTHING for His glory. For His good.

Again. No need to one up. We will enjoy you so much more if we get to remember you as a peaceful year. A beautiful year. A year filled with wonderful blessings.

Sincerely,
Meredith

Praying my Guts Out

I can't go into specifics. At all. All I can say is that I need prayers to be said. I can't even say who they're for. Please. God knows. He knows who your praying for. He and only He can fix this. He and only He can do what needs to be done. I would so appreciate every prayer said. Thanks...