Obedience

As we all stood waiting to watch Luke as he saw "his" snow, I had my arm around Mandi's shoulders and thanked her for being obedient. She laughed. I said, "no, really. Thank you!"

Because, really, when God put the thought of bringing snow to Luke on her heart, she could have said no. She could have thought it was too big. She could have pushed it aside as a crazy thought. She totally could have said nothing. Nothing.

But, she didn't. She called a friend who loves to do big things. Then, she called me. Then, she called more friends. And in turn, we started making calls. Emailing. Researching. Knowing that if God wanted this to happen. If he wanted Luke to have snow. Then, Luke would have snow and he would have it exactly when God wanted it to happen and in the way God wanted it to happen. It would work together perfectly. Because, after all, God is perfect and this was His plan.

To think that this whole thing came together in less than 24 hours is amazing. It simply would not have happened like this unless God had His hands in it. As I thought about it this morning I was realizing just how big this whole thing was...

God totally could have made it snow on Saturday. He didn't need any of us to do anything. He could have made those snowflakes fall and that, in and of itself, would have been considered a miracle. Snow for Luke. But, he didn't.

God could have brought in the fake stuff. Something that came from a machine. Something that didn't take a whole lot of work or people. That still would have been special. That still would have been cool. But, he didn't.

He didn't.

I believe it's because He's bigger than any of those plans. If he had made snow fall from the sky, that would have been special to Luke, special to his family, special to a handful. If it had come from some machine, it would have maybe added a few more from some company. Instead, He brought so many people together. By going bigger, He shared Luke's story with so many more. With the people working at Timberline. With the guy who loaded the snow. With the truck driver. With the neighbors who came to help. With the news guy who came to cover the story. With the family and friends and friends of friends. With those who donated food from a school and even Costco. With those watching the story on the news... that they continue to show over and over. With those seeing all the pictures on Facebook. With those hearing about the snow at Luke's. This story. I cannot think about it without crying. Without praising God and His perfect plan.

I continue to pray for miracles. For Luke to be healed. For God to take the cancer out of his sweet body. For Him to reach His hand down and do a miracle. And then, God says, "I am doing miracles. Everyday. I am here. Everyday. I am holding Luke. Everyday."

I am so thankful to have been a part of this amazing story. To watch as God opened the doors. To hear His steps. To see His fingerprints. I am overwhelmed how it continues to touch lives. I am so thankful to my friend's obedience. I know that one way or another God would have made this happen, he whispered in several ears last week. But, I'm thankful to have been close. To have been touched. Because, while the snow, in and of itself is such a testimony of God's love, the way in which it happened is just as important and special to my heart. I will hold it near and dear. I will cherish it. Truly, after the birth of my children, this day. Luke's snow day. Was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Ever.

Snow For Luke

My phone rang early Tuesday morning. It was my dear friend Mandi...

"I'm anxious and I'm excited! How do we do this??"

This turned out to be an amazing, amazing story. This was snow for Luke. Luke loves the snow and was sad that he had not gotten to see it this year.

Phone calls were made. Emails were sent. We checked in with every new detail. By the end of the day, Mandi had snow from 2 places and dump trucks aplenty. It. Was. AMAZING!!

By Wednesday morning, all the details were ironed out. And after talking to Luke's parents all things were a go...

Mandi, her husband and two other friends were up bright and early to meet the truck to drive up to the mountain. We were thinking they would be back between 8:30 and 9. Instead, the phone rang and Mandi said that they were taking a little longer than planned... she joked that they had tried to bring home the mountain. The 1st load was 12,000!!! lbs over what the truck could carry. Dumping that load and reloading, they were ready to go.

We all waited with great anticipation. Eager to see the snow. What would it look like? Would the weather cooperate. The whole time knowing that God had worked it all out thus far and everything would work according to his plan.

As the snow got closer, the temperature dropped, we shivered, we waited, then it rolled down the road. HUGE truckloads of snow. All for Luke!

I have never seen something so amazing! Everyone there because we love Luke. We love the his parents. We are better because of them. We are blessed because of them. They are truly a precious gift!

God worked out every detail, and wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow, filled to the brim, lined up to take loads to the backyard. It was done in no time and then we waited to see Luke...

His look was one I will forever cherish...

The morning and afternoon is one that I will remember forever. I will hold it dear to my heart. I will thank the Lord for His goodness. For His love. For showing us that He is always here. Always. Even in the darkest of days. He is bright. He shines. He loves.

Thank you Steve, Vikki, Jake, Luke and Tori for such a treasured moment. Love you!

Home

My heart is heavy and I have been filled with so much sadness. Waves of nausea plague my stomach and tears are never far from falling on my face. My chest feels full as my heart aches.

I pray. And pray. And pray.

Pray for my friends to be blessed with just one more day with their son.

Pray for my brother to live his new goal... 5 more years. Which, honestly, as I look at praying for days, 5 years seems like an amazing blessing. And in the blink of an eye seems like nothing. Not enough.

Pray for a family that goes to my friends church that just lost a 4 year old girl and a grandma in the same car accident.

Pray for a new friend who thinks her sons cancer is back.

Pray for a friend whose daughter continues to have seizures.

Pray for a friend whose waiting to get bloodwork back that will hopefully tell her what's going on in her son's body.

Pray for so many friend's marriages.

Pray for so many battling cancer.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

I am overwhelmed and find myself asking God, "are we there yet?" Can we be there yet?

And then, in a moment, he reminds me...

There are still blessings.

Blessings in the one more day.

Blessings in the time my brother HAS had.

Blessings in the friend who found out she has no more cancer.

Blessings in the friend who found out their new baby is healthy.

Blessings as my friends wait to bring home their baby girl.

Blessings in the miracles that God brings about in the every day. The amazing people he has put on this earth.

Blessings in my family.

Blessings in the sunrise and sunset.

Blessings in the cute chickens that run around my yard.

Blessings in the snuggles, and hugs and kisses from my husband and my children.

So very many blessings.

As I prayed last night for just one more day. For 5 years. And for all the others, God whispered in my ear...

"But, then, they will be with me. In Heaven. Perfect. Healthy. Whole."

And how can you argue with that? They will be home. But, my heart, my heart that aches, is selfish. And I have the hardest time convincing my heart.

So, I cling. I cling to the fact that God knows exactly what He is doing. I cling to the fact that He is sad, he hurts, he cries, right along with us. I cling to the fact that He loves us so much more than we can even begin to understand. I cling to this because if I don't I will be lost. I cling to this because I know it to be true. I cling to this because I've seen the other side of pain. I've known what it's like to be carried and to see all the blessings. The growth. The glory.

And, as I prayed last night God gave me this...

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high,
I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You..." Psalm 139:1-18

He knows. All that pains my heart, he knows. He knows my friends son from the inside out. He knows the number of his days. My brother's too. And as tears fall, I continue to pray for days, weeks and years. Pray that whomever this is meant to reach that they would have ears to hear. Eyes to see. Hearts that are open. I pray for blessings and comfort and strength in abundance.

I pray. And pray. And pray.

You're Beautiful

Last week, Ella woke up as crabby as can be. Everything was making her cry. She didn't even want to pick out her own clothes! When she walked into the family room, all ready for school, Brenton exclaimed, "Ella! You look beautiful!" She got a sweet little smile on her face and the rest of the morning went along just a little bit smoother.

We dropped her off at school and while running errands, Brenton said, "Mom! I forgot! I wanted princess cupcakes for my birthday!!!" "Oh really? Why did you want princess cupcakes?" "Because Ella would like them!"

My sweet baby boy melts my heart every single day. He is so considerate... especially when it comes to his sister and his mama.

My children get a treat when they join me at the store. If they are good, they get a fresh bagel from the bakery. Since Ella is at school when we go to the store, she does not get a bagel. However, Brenton is always sure to split his in half. And he is always sure to give her the big half.

Today, after Jazzercise, Brenton was enjoying a deliciously huge chocolate chip cookie. He looked up at me as he broke it in half and said, "can we keep this for Ella?"

Then, as he labored to go to the bathroom this afternoon, he grunted out, "Mom, you look beautiful like that!" "Like what buddy?" "With your sweatshirt on. You always look beautiful Mama!"

This sweet boy who is so complimentary, so thoughtful, so loving, absolutely melts my heart. He speaks my love language. He apparently speaks his sister's. They are the best of friends. They remind me of my brother and I.

Thank you Lord for blessing me with this sweet boy who still loves to hold my hand, who still comes to snuggle in the middle of the night, who is such a gentleman to Ella and I, who loves with his whole heart, who finds joy in everything. Thank you!

Not It

Yesterday was my birthday. A day that, in all honesty, turns me 5 again and is a day that I look forward to feeling like I'm special.

I've realized that as you become a mom and as you get older your birthday is no longer necessarily a special day. There are kids to care for. Work that needs to get done. Life must go on.

And although I know these things, it doesn't make me long for that special feeling any less.

I thought about what my perfect day would look like...

A run with my friend.

Coffee with friends.

Deep breaths.

Gluten free pizza with family for dinner.

Perfectly behaved children.

Sunshine.

Peace.

And, this, is how my birthday went...

I woke up at 5:30 for my morning run. I had listened to the wind howl all night long, the rain pelting the windows. I was resolved that regardless of the weather, I would not miss my run. I got dressed, made a little coffee and headed out the door. Thankful that I got to run on my birthday. I arrived at my friends and off we went. It was perfect! Not one drop of rain, just a little cold wind and once we got going, we were plenty toasty. A wonderful run that ended with us shaving 20 seconds off our time from Tuesday. We stretched and chatted and she brought me a present. Tulips (my favorite!) and running shorts (size small). I was so excited and honestly quite flattered that she would even think that those little shorts would fit me! I was sure I would have to return them... She had searched for pants or shorts that were just what I wanted. She wrote me a card that brought tears to my eyes. She blesses me so very much and I left so very thankful that God has placed such a special friend in my life.

As I went to back out of her driveway, our friend that lives right across the street was getting ready to leave for school/work. I got to hug another amazing friend and chat before heading home.

I drove home praising the Lord for my life. For my sweet children. For my amazing husband. For the friends that I am beyond blessed with. For my family. For my life. Every good thing flashed through my head. I was overwhelmed with God's goodness... knowing that they are true blessings and knowing too, that I have done nothing to deserve any of this! But that, God, being ever so gracious has blessed me more than I could ever hope for. Teary. Thankful. I opened the door to my house...

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear mom. Happy birthday to you!!!" I was greeted by Cory and my 4 youngest. Tears down my face. Again, overcome with thankfulness. Hugs all around and Caden hurried off to get my gift. A poem. A card and a necklace he had made for me. He was so excited. And I could not have been more proud!

The kids headed off to school and I headed out to feed the chickens. Within minutes it was freezing outside and by the time I made it back to the house it was.... SNOWING!!! Yes. Snow. On my birthday! I LOVE snow!

Monkey bread cooking. Coffee brewing. Warm showers taken. My home was a wonderful and peaceful place.

Friends arrived and I looked around at more blessings. Laughter. Children playing. Serious and not so serious conversations. Deep breaths every one of them.

A call from my brother wishing me happy birthday and letting me know that he had gotten the results of one of his blood tests and it was GOOD.

More birthday songs and a gift from my friends that continues to knock my socks off and bring tears to my eyes. The sweetest card full of the sweetest words and money that they had all chipped in to allow me to buy my new running partner... a garmin watch! Taken aback. Beyond blessed. Tears. Again.

Once everyone had gone I sat to read my new running magazine. Chatted on the phone. Tried on my size small shorts that fit!! Enjoyed watching the sun and the snow that alternated off and on all day. Enjoyed the fire. Enjoyed the deep breath. The peace.

I journeyed to get the mail and was blessed, yet again, with a card from my mom and a present from my sweet sweet friend. A Starbucks card and haircut from mom and workout clothes from my sweet friend... That proved to be too big!

We indulged yesterday and even bought pizza. I ordered. Cory picked it up. We very rarely ever indulge like this! Especially because I have to get the gluten free kind that costs an arm and a leg! Cory got home. My sister and brother in law were on their way and as I reached into the box to eat a small little piece while it was still hot I realized... I had forgotten to say gluten free!! Praise the Lord I remembered before I took a bite, but I was devastated and so very upset with myself. The fact that I had just wasted all that money caused me to lose it and proceed to cry. And cry. And cry some more. Irritated. Disappointed. What a dummy!

My amazing husband and my sister and brother in law were ever so gracious and Nathan took off and drove across the county to get me pizza I could actually eat. Thank you Nathan! It was delicious! And I'm pretty sure I won't be ordering pizza again any time soon!

While Nate was gone, the phone rang. It was my parents. More birthday songs. More blessings. I proceeded to talk about my perfect day and my excitement about talking to my brother. Then, Dad said something. Something that didn't make sense. He quickly tried to backtrack, but it was too late. What was he talking about???

My brother's other test results had come back. Indicating that his cancer is making a comeback. Shocked. Saddened. I hung up and called my brother. Oh, how I love to hear his voice. Comforting. Strong. Faithful. Loving.

Quite a way to end my perfect day.

After the initial shock wore off, I was left with a strong sense of peace and an amazing calm. We really do not know much at this point. Really. All we know is that it appears his cancer is back. We do not know to what extent. And if I have learned anything on this journey, it's that God is faithful and miracles happen. That there is no need to panic at this point. We just do not know enough. At all.

My prayer is that my brother and his beautiful wife would be blessed with an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. That the Dr.'s would have wisdom. That whomever this is for. That whatever the big picture. That God's glory would shine. And that those He is trying to reach would open their eyes and ears to Him.

I also had a thought pass through my mind. As if God was saying, "here you go, my daughter. Here is a blessing of a perfect day. But, remember, this is not it. It's just not. This is nothing compared to what I have for you in Heaven. Nothing. Do not get too comfortable. Do not look to be filled by stuff. Be filled with Me. "

And that is my day. A blessed day. An almost perfect day. God gave me so many wonderful pictures of His love for me. My family. My friends. My life. So many reminders that He is there. Filling me. That this is not it. That Heaven is. To not panic. To not allow Satan to rob me of the truth, to rob me of my time living life to the full, to not allow Him any foothold.

My heart is full. My life is full of love. And deep breaths. And God's goodness. And faithfulness.

Happy Birthday to me!

This Boy...

This boy...

Frustrates me.

Surprises me.

Amazes me.

He is the typical middle child. Fighting to be noticed. Looking for attention. Usually getting the negative, not positive.

He can boil my blood in seconds. He can cause my voice to raise in an instant. We can butt heads like no other.

He is stubborn as the day is long. He will throw a fit at a moments notice. He lashes out in anger. He doesn't want to help unless it's his idea. It's his way or the highway.

And yet.

This boy.

This boy that can drive me to that padded cell faster than no other, has completely surprised me.

With his warmth.

With his tenderness.

With his heart.

He and Brenton were taking a shower the other night. Brenton loves the idea of taking a shower, but he does not like the actual act. He hates water in his eyes and washing his hair is always a battle. As I was trying to wash him, Jack reached over and so very gently wiped the soap off his forehead. He so carefully washed his face. I watched. Almost speechless. I caught on and told Brent he would be okay. That Jack would help keep the soap out of his eyes. Jackson crouched down and continued to help him. Washing the soap from Brent's hair. Keeping it out of his eyes. Not once getting frustrated. Not once wanting to stop. Only loving his brother and caring for him. I sat there. Teary. Thankful to have seen such sweetness between my boys.

There have been many moments lately that God has been so gracious to open my eyes to. Moments that show me the other side of my son. Moments that continue to move me to tears. To warm my heart. Moments that are pushing my preconceived notions on out the door. Moments that are outshining the frustration.

This boy's character is amazing. He is such a blessing. He is strong. And yes, he is stubborn. But, as I've heard said before, those traits will serve him well in life. As he stands his ground for God. As he lives strong. As he cares for others.

We were going to sleep last night and I told Cory how thankful I am for all these glimpses and how Jackson amazes me more and more each day... "Yes. We have great kids. We are blessed" And yes. We are!

Therapeutic Runnings?

I drove home with tears in my eyes this morning. Tears of thankfulness. Overwhelmed by God's goodness. In awe, yet again, at how He even cares about the smallest parts of our lives.

My friend and I had a great run this morning. After Saturdays run, I knew I could run just fine in the rain. And I knew that 4.5 in the rain was nothing. But, still...

It was cold.

And sopping wet.

And early.

And I barely slept between Brent's visits last night. :)

And the coffee that I had so smartly prepared last night before going to bed? Well, let's just say it was a little too prepared! As I crawled into bed at 10 the wonderful aroma of coffee entered my nose. Yep. I had pressed start!

And when I walked out the door the wind and the rain slammed into my face.

And under my breath, I said, "seriously??"

Six minutes and a few sips of reheated coffee later, I'm at my friend's doorstep. I stretch out my old lady hips and off we go.

Wincing through the first half mile, I'm still loving that we're out there...

When it's dark.

When it's cold.

When it's NOT raining anymore!

We run. We chat. We share life together. We talk about little and big things. Significant and funny. Everything and nothing at all.

We pushed it at the end. Finishing in better time than last week. Happy with what we accomplished.

The tears? The thankfulness? The awe?

I feel like God has blessed me with an amazing gift. NOT that I'm gifted at running, but that running is a gift...

When I run by myself, I get that time to talk to God. To reflect. To soak in His presence and His glory. It's just me, the road and God.

When I run with a friend, I get to share life with someone. Some of the best conversations can happen when your running. When you're not caught up in the busyness of life. When you're not being interrupted by your sweet loving children. No laundry is beckoning. No toilets are shouting to be de-fuzzed. It's just you, the road and your friend.

God has given me something that can be finished. Something that can be accomplished in one day. Something that I cannot fail at. Because, let's face it, no matter the distance or the time, I'm still out there. One step at a time. And in a life where I see so little being accomplished, it's great to have something I can do and do well.

I praise the Lord every time I finish a run. Even in the accomplishment, I know it's nothing without Him. I would not be there if it wasn't for Him. I would not be able to run 4.5 or 12 without Him. He is there. By my side. Breathing life into my lungs. Pumping blood through my veins. He made this body that gets so filled by such a simple thing... my feet pounding the pavement.

And because I could go on and on about this. And because I know that not everyone shares the love of running. I decided this morning I would start a new blog. Because, after all, this one is for my family. So, if you want to follow my therapeutic runnings, come on over!

Like Forrest

And no, I don't mean in the "stupid is as stupid does" kind of way!

Well, maybe. Some might feel that way...

I was chatting with a friend last week who asked when we could run together. She is gearing up for a 1/2 marathon and I figured it would be better for her if we ran together after her half (I wouldn't want to hurt her training!) She said she would be running 11 or 12 on Saturday and said, "you could join me for part of it!" I quickly said okay and figured out the when and where.

Then, I thought about it.

That was a little stupid on my part.

I'm a pusher when it comes to running. I knew I wouldn't be able to turn around while she kept going. I knew that my planned 8 miles might end up being 11 or 12. Honestly, that scared me a bit...

I met someone recently who said they didn't like to challenge themselves when running. I could not comprehend. I figure if I'm running, I might as well challenge myself. After all, wouldn't Bob and Jillian from the Biggest Loser say, "It's not going to kill you!" And. It won't.

Saturday morning came. With a couple of butterflies flying in my tummy, I headed out to meet my friend. The 4 mile mark came. And went. I would just go to the next light. Then the next. And since we're almost there, why not the next?

Yes.

I ran 12 miles.

In 1 hour and 58 minutes.

And I felt great.

Sure. I was a little numb around miles 9 and 10.

Yes. Those miles were slow.

But, we did not walk.

And I just kept telling myself that I was running farther than I ever had.

It felt amazing.

I can't wait to do it again!

And like Forrest, I just feel like running.

I love that God made us so that we can.

I have 2 legs. I am not in a wheelchair. I am not sick.

There is no reason for me not to run. So, I run because I can!

I'm curious how far my body can go.

To be honest, I'm now setting my sights on a marathon.

I think it would be amazing. To push myself. To challenge myself. Because I can!