I Wonder

I wonder if I should have kept the kids away from the ranch while the alpacas were making babies...

I wonder if we should have lied and told Ella they were wrestling...

I wonder if we should not have explained some of the science behind it...

I wonder...

Because tonight, while playing with her model horses, I noticed she had one on top of the other...

Because as they were stacked, one on the other, she was making a noise that sounded much like the male alpacas when they breed...

Because when I asked her what she was doing her reply was, "he's trying to get her egg out. Come on egg! Come out!!" Then continued with her noise.

I wonder if she'll try to teach other kids about the alpacas...

I wonder...

Happy Birthday Sweet Caden!!!

Eight years ago I was just starting to push. Eight years ago I could only dream of what God had in store. Eight years ago I could not wait to get my hands on you. To see your face. To hold you in my arms. To finally meet you.

You, my sweet boy, made me a mom. You, my sweet boy, changed my world. You, my sweet boy, have taught me so much more than I could ever have imagined. You, my sweet boy, captured my heart from your very first breath...

Caden, I cannot believe that you are 8 years old. How in the world has time gone that quickly? It seems like only yesterday I was figuring out that you loved to sleep in your bed, not my arms. I was learning that you were serious and content to be on your own. I was thrilled as you tried new foods and loved most everything. I glowed as I watched you turn 1.

Caden, there are no words to describe how much I love you. When you claim to love me more than I love you, you have no idea that your love cannot even come close. You are tender. You are caring. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You get angry when you feel you are not heard. You are just like me.

It's crazy to watch you be 8. You love playing with your friends. You love playing video games and just the other night you told me, "I don't know why, but for some reason I'm just really into Pokemon right now." You love your trading cards - both Pokemon and Bakugon. You LOVE to read and will read whatever you can get your hands on. You like to write books too! I love to read your papers as you bring them home from school. From Turkeys to dragons, your stories never fail to entertain. You light up as you share your stories with me. You are serious and you are funny...

You are a fantastic big brother. And you LOVE LOVE LOVE your Dad. You always have. When you were a baby, Daddy would come home, scoop you up in his arms and you guys would go nap in the hammock while Mommy got a little break. There is a bond between you like nothing else. I love to watch the two of you together.

Yesterday, you asked me if we had any pancake mix that I could have. You wanted to make sure that everything we ate today was wheat free just so I could enjoy your birthday too. I pray that you will always be so considerate of everyone. I pray that your heart will always stay so sweet. So tender.

I'm so thankful that you still love to hold my hand. That you still allow me to snuggle you. I cherish each moment. I know that they won't last.

I'm so thankful that God chose me to be your mom. I'm so thankful that you love Jesus too! I love that you asked for your very own Bible for your birthday. I can't wait to see your eyes light up when you open it!

Lord, thank you for this boy. Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for letting me know that the best was yet to come. Thank you for so many smiles and snuggles. For giggles. For stories. For hands to hold. Thank you for trusting us with this sweet boy. I pray for guidance as he grows. I pray that you will continue to guide him in life. To help him make good decisions and to turn to you as he gets older and older. Thank you Lord!

And Happy Birthday Caden!!

Growing Up

Ella came in this morning while I was getting dressed. She had her backpack packed and was ready to go...

Where are you going?

To Selfish Land.

Oh, goodness. Is everyone pretty selfish there?

Nope. It's where the Valley of Flowers is. I'm going to get flowers for my husband. He died.

Oh. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Yep.

What was your husbands name?

Harry. I'm taking my kids too.

Oh really? How many kids do you have?

Two. The other ones died.

Oh my goodness!! I'm so sorry. I bet you miss them.

Yeah. But, I have 2 kids left.

What are their names?

My daughter's name is Kelsey. My son's name is John.

What beautiful names...

____________________________________________________________________

I took Jackson to his kindergarten evaluation this morning. He was so excited and asked if he got to take his lunch too. Nope. Sorry. It was only for an hour. We stood there waiting for the teachers to come and call the next group back. He was standing in front of me and had taken my hands in his. Putting my hands across his chest. I could feel his sweet heart pounding away. I asked if he was nervous. He gave me the sweetest grin and said no. The teachers came out. One took his hand and I watched as they walked away. My little man. Growing up. Tears welled up in my eyes and I looked around to see if anyone one else's were too. I can't believe he'll be in school next year. I just can't. Where oh where has the time gone?

Ella's been married AND widowed and has 2 of her 5 children left and Jack's off to kindergarten. What's next?

Summer

I was praising the Lord as I lay in bed this morning. Praising Him for my family. For my wonderful children. Praising Him for summertime. So excited for all my children to be home.

Then, I went downstairs...

Brenton's throwing a fit because he wants Mommy to get him milk, not Dad. Ella's throwing a fit because she wants to get me yogurt. Jack is sitting on the floor kicking his feet because he wants to get me yogurt too. Between the fighting and the screaming I was ready to bolt right on out the door. As I told Cory that I might just have to go to Jazzercise EVERYDAY this summer just to get some quiet, he so nicely reminded me...

"You wanted this."

And I did.

And I still do.

It will just take some adjusting on all our parts. I love that my kids want me. They want to serve me. They want to play with me. Someday, they'll want nothing to do with me.

It's just hard sometimes. I'm not so pretty in the morning. I like to not talk for a bit. I only use the few words that are needed to figure out what everyone wants for breakfast. I need a moment. I can be downright crabby. Add the fact that a certain someone was wanting to play Life before I even finished eating my breakfast and oh my goodness. It took every ounce of me to control my irritation and just say, "how about a little later."

It's not their fault that I'm crabby. Well, mostly. I do feel a bit like a play toy though. Just here for their fun and enjoyment. I remember when they were here for mine... To stare at and smile at. To sing to and snuggle. All that was required from me was to change diapers and feed them. Such sweetness...

Yesterday was a great beginning. Filled with a trip to the ranch. The brushing of horses. The petting of alpaca's. Delicious dinner. Brownies for dessert. Blowing bubbles. Playing outside. Beautiful sunshine. It was fantastic. I know the rest of the summer will be too.

And now, as we've all calmed down a bit and I've finished my first cup of coffee, my head is ready to go. Ready to enjoy what the Lord has for us. I know it will be good...

Rest

I recently realized that I haven't been okay. I've mentioned my brain fog and while that definitely happens to us tired moms, I really don't think it's just because I'm tired. Tired doesn't begin to describe it...

In the last month, I've really started wondering. Wondering when it's okay to rest. To take a break. Half joking that I would like to just be selfish and ONLY be a mom and a wife. To have no other responsibilities. I'm mean really, isn't that what the Bible says? Um. No.

I've always loved to serve. If I saw a need, I jumped. If someone needed a meal, I was the first to sign up. I loved. Yes, loved to help. During our 2 years of incredible trials we were blessed so abundantly. That fueled my fire even more. I just wanted to serve the Lord. Serve my friends. Answer His calls.

I believe that He called me to all the things that I was involved in this year. I was beyond blessed by each and everyone...

Sunday school became less of a chore. I have grown to absolutely love and adore the sweet 3 year olds that I get to work with.

Stepping into a position of leadership at Mom's grew me more than I could ever imagine. My eyes were opened. Instead of focusing on my own insecurities I noticed the wonderful moms. The overwhelmed moms. The moms that needed a friend to talk to. The moms that just needed a hug. I got to see God's hand over and over and over again. It was amazing.

I cherished small group time at moms. Being able to connect. Share our hearts. Share our lives. Bear our souls. We had some amazing, eye opening conversations. I love those women and being able to be their small group leader through the end of the year was amazing.

I've loved watching our homegroup couples open up and share their lives with us. Their ups and their downs. Their laughter and their tears. I love welcoming them into our home. I want our home to feel like home. I want them to know how incredibly loved they are.

I have grown. I have been beyond blessed. I pray that as God has blessed me by putting me in these positions that others have been blessed as well.

However.

I. Am. Tired.

My head does not function. My family is suffering. My relationships are suffering.

I've spent much of the last month feeling very alone. Alone and having no energy to do anything about it. Alone and just wanted to curl up into a ball. To move to some remote place in Montana. To just stop.

I receive emails coordinating meals for new moms. I hear of needs. I just let them pass by. I have nothing left to give. Nothing.

When is it okay to rest?

I believe it is okay to rest. I believe it's not okay to ignore God when He calls. I believe that I followed His lead and it's now time for me to take a little break.

I was doing many things. I was doing NONE of them well. I was just doing. I would love to do them well, with heart, with passion and completely and absolutely willingly.

At the end of Moms this year I began leading a small group. I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm not a leader by nature. But, I love those moms. I am passionate about them. I WANT to serve them. I cannot, however, serve them and help lead moms. I just can't.

I realized that I needed to scale back. Not retreat entirely, but scale back. I'm no longer co-leading moms. I took the summer off from teaching Sunday school. Already, the fog is lifting. I have more energy. My heart is thawing. I'm ready to go.

Life

Jackson, Ella, Brenton and I were blessed to arrive at Daddy's work yesterday just as he was breeding some of the alpaca's. I wasn't sure that I wanted my kids to see this, but decided that, it is life. After all, they've seen the Mayflies making babies all over the place!

Jackson got to help Daddy get the girls in with the boys. He LOVES to help Daddy. Loves. It. He glows. He grins from ear to ear. Our children are absolutely in love with the alpacas and horses at Daddy's work.

A little later, we were looking at some of the new babies and I glanced out to the field that has the VERY expectant mama's. There, almost hidden in the tall grass, was a brand new little baby. It had just been born.


Cory took the kids and I out to the field where we got to see this sweet little girl. Oh my word! What a beautiful little girl. What a blessing to be there at that moment. We got to see her take her first steps and then we started herding them into the barn.

I was a bit concerned as the mama kept making an odd noise. I asked Cory if it was because she didn't like us being around or if she was still in pain. The answer? A bit of both. As we got into the barn that mama REALLY started laboring again. And as we all watched, she started to pass her placenta. The kids, of course, had lots of questions. "What's that bubble coming out of her bottom??" "Why is it getting bigger?" I loved being able to explain about the placenta and what it does. I loved our little science lesson.

Even better?? When the other guy who works at the ranch came down we all excitedly told him that a baby was just born. And Brenton's first words to him? "The mama just passed her placenta!!" Yep. My sweet 2 year old said, "placenta". I still get a giggle out of it. I just LOVE it!


I'm so thankful that my husband has a job that he loves. I'm so thankful that he gets to work with animals. I'm so thankful that my children have such a love for these animals too. I'm so thankful that we get to teach them about life. That they get to see babies made and babies born. And on the sad days, they even learn about a baby dying. Cory's job is such a blessing in so many ways.

I'm so thankful that God created these animals. He has such a wonderful imagination. My family is absolutely smitten with these beautiful creatures.

Thank you Lord for your amazing creations!

Hello Not Me Monday!

I haven't done a Not Me in quite some time. MckMama, quite understandably, stopped doing them for a bit while Stellan was in the hospital and I just never got back into them. Too tired. Too overwhelmed. Not on the computer much anyway.

HOWEVER. While Cory was gone this last week, I had lots of free time after the kids went to bed. I found myself looking for an old post and while doing that, happened upon my old Not Me's. I sat here smiling. Laughing. Remembering...

I love that each Monday was a peek into my world at that moment. There is nothing profound about any of them. Just real moments. Real time in my crazy head. Real time with my kids. Real time with my husband.

I decided to get back up on the Not Me horse so I can continue to keep a record of my life. So that in 10 years I can look back and laugh. And remember. Because I know that these years are already passing by way too quickly and I don't want to ever forget. Really.

Not Me Monday was started by MckMama over at My Charming Kids. It truly is fantastically freeing fun. Not to mention the wonderful benefits of laughter later in life. Head on over to MckMatma's to see what everyone else is NOT doing...

I did NOT cry amazing tears of joy last night when receiving a phone call from an old friend. I was NOT surprised to hear her voice because we NEVER talk on the phone and I was NOT completely blown away when she excitedly said, "I'm freaking pregnant!!!" Tears did NOT start streaming down my face. Nor are they welling up right now as I type. Of course I would never get THAT excited about my sweet friend being pregnant after trying for YEARS. I did not lay in bed last night unable to go to sleep because I was THAT excited. And it was not made even better knowing that her twin sister is pregnant too. I did NOT praise the Lord for his amazing miracles. Okay. Maybe I DID...

When going to get my mop to clean the bathroom floors I did NOT find my mop completely and utterly ruined. I did NOT figure out that the kids must have done some cleaning of their own and I did NOT think I was the slightest bit wonderful when I decided to scrub my bathroom floors on my hands and knees. I did NOT then continue to pat myself on the back every time I went to the bathroom and saw how wonderfully clean the floors AND baseboards were. And, of course, I did NOT have to point out how clean it all was when Cory came home. Of course I would NEVER let my baseboards get THAT dirty. And, of course, I would never pat myself on the back. Ever.

My email was not hacked this week. An oddly worded email was not sent out to my entire address book and then some. And I did not receive many emails back from friends saying, "is this really from you? It doesn't sound like you..." I was NOT just a bit embarrassed as I went through my address book. Looking to see who would have gotten this crazy email. Seeing who might think I'm some crazy sales person now. I am NOT thoroughly frustrated with my email. I have not thought many many times that I just need to start a new account. And I am not hesitant to do that because I do NOT like change. Of course I love change. And, of course, the task would NOT be so daunting to me because I would then have to transfer ALL my addresses and email ALL my friends. I am not THAT lazy. Of course I'm NOT sick and tired of receiving emails telling me to send $10,000 dollars to someone in Nigeria. Of course I'm NOT tired of receiving emails that promise better times in bed. Of course I'm NOT. So, why would I WANT to create a new email account? I love getting hacked. I love junk email. Love. It.

While Cory was gone this last week, I did NOT actually hear one of my sweet children say, "Can't we please have a REAL dinner tonight??" Of course, I did not then wince just a bit and start racking my brain for "REAL" dinner options. And, of course, we did NOT end up at Papa Murphy's at 6:30 to grab some "REAL" dinner. Surely I'm a better mother than that! I absolutely make 5 star meals while my husband is gone. There is no reason for my children to complain. And, of course, I know that pizza is not a "REAL" meal. Why would I feed my children that? And finally, there is no way that I would top that pizza off with cake flavored ice cream with sprinkles and frosting ribbons of yumminess. I would never!

I did NOT get slightly terrified this week when a crazy, quick moving, thunderstorm came into town. I did NOT feel like Dorothy while gathering things from the back yard and laying our chairs down. I did NOT then realize that my kids were starting to panic too and decided I should probably get a grip. Of course, I would NEVER panic like that. I would never. I do NOT panic. I am perfectly level headed. Yep. That's me. Level headed.

I did NOT change my clothes 5 times before going to work at our Mom's Group garage sale. From shorts and a tank. To shorts and short sleeves. To jeans and a tank... you get the picture. But, of course, I didn't do this. And surely, if I had, I would NOT have ended, completely satisfied, with my sweats. I would not then decide to wear the same said sweats the very next morning when I had 20 minutes to get my entire family out the door and to Caden's baseball game. I, of course, do NOT wear sweats THAT often. And I, of course, would never change my clothes that many times before a garage sale. And I, of course, would definitely give myself MORE that 20 minutes to get my family out the door on Saturday morning...

Which leads me to this... I did NOT LOVE that my kids all woke up early on Saturday morning and completely let me sleep in until 7:41. I did NOT hear them downstairs at 6:15 and decide to roll over and go back to sleep because it sounded like Caden had it all under control. And I did NOT decide to keep sleeping even though I knew that we had baseball that morning. Knowing that Caden had to be at the field at 8:10. Knowing that we REALLY don't move quickly. Knowing I ALWAYS give myself too little time. I would NEVER choose to stay in my nice cozy bed. I would NEVER give myself too little time. And, of course, I would NEVER get to the game late... Nope. Not me.

I am NOT counting down the days to summer. Counting down the days to sleeping past 6:30. Counting down the days to no more homework. Counting down the days to having ALL my kids home ALL the time. Of course I love it when my kids are in school. Of course I can't stand having them home all the time to bicker. Of course I'm not looking forward to trips to the zoo. Picnics in the park and playing all day. Of course I can't stand any of that. So, really, why would I be counting down?? I wouldn't. Not me.

And finally, I was not dreaming about a vacation with my sweet hubby last night. I was not plotting and planning how in the world that could EVER happen. I would never want to get away with JUST my husband. I would never want to relax and rest. I totally love the craziness that is my life and of course I would never want just a little bit of a break. Nope. Not me.

What did you NOT do this week??

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Rock, paper, scissors. What a great game. A game that can be used just to have some fun. A game that can be used to make decisions...

Cory and I have played best 2 out of 3 to see who has to change a diaper. It seems like a fair way to decide... kind of.

We went on a field trip last night. Just me and all the kids. Off to treat them to pizza and ice cream When we got to the store, I thought I would just leave all the kids in the car (remember? Cole's 13, he's plenty old to stay in there with the troops) However, Brenton gave me his sweet little, "I want you!!" and I decided he could come. Then, everyone wanted to come. Whoa now... That is NOT what I was thinking!

Ella didn't have shoes so that was a no brainer. It was now between Caden and Jackson.

Me: "Well, how do we decide who gets to go?"

Caden: "I'm the oldest. I should get to go!"

Jackson: "I'm the cutest!!" Said while flashing the most charming smile.

Me: "How 'bout you play rock paper scissors??"

Boys: "Okay!"

Jackson ended up winning with a big old grin. Caden ended up losing and melted into the floor of the car. Sweet Jackson said, "it's okay Caden, you can go." To which Caden replied, quite loudly, "NO!"

Things weren't much better when we returned. While picking out the ice cream, Jack and I really put a lot of thought into what everyone would like best. We finally decided on cake flavored ice cream with sprinkles and ribbons of frosting. I mean, really, what kid DOESN'T like sprinkles and frosting?? Caden.

His age did not seem to come back to 8 for quite some time. There were tears. There were tantrums. He sat in his seat saying,

"Pizza is disgusting."

"I'm not going to eat."

"I don't like ice cream."

To which I calmly replied, "that's fine honey. When we get home, why don't you go take a shower and get in bed. I'm not going to make you eat something that's disgusting."

Of course, this seemed to make it worse and was followed by,

"FINE. I'll EAT it!"

"I'll EAT!!!"

"I WANT it!!"

I seriously was at a loss. Taking deep breaths. About to call Cory. I just stayed calm. Told him we were done discussing it. We would talk when we got home. Seriously.

I was so torn.

We walked in the door and as I walked into the kitchen, Caden said, "I don't deserve pizza and ice cream." "You sure don't sweetie." We talked about his attitude. I told him that I had really tried to make it a fun night for the kids. That I wasn't trying to make him miserable. I told him that when Jack offered to let him go in the store, that he chose to stay in the car. That he could have come in and helped me pick the flavor. He chose.

It's crazy to me. He's almost 8. Yet, he continues to have these outbursts. Outbursts that seem more fitting to a 2 year old. Then, in a flash, he wants to snuggle. To hold my hand. He completely forgets that he was glaring at me only minutes before. Yes. Glaring. Can't he just for go the fits and stick to the snuggling??

Then, I have to laugh a bit. First of all, who says, "I'm the cutest"?? I couldn't believe the words came out of Jack's mouth. He's 5, for Pete's sake!! Then, there's Caden, he's almost 8 and yet when he lost, his age seemed to shrink on down to about 2.

Those boys.

There was the sweetness in Jack offering to let Caden go instead. The sweetness continued as we drove home. When I told Caden he could just shower and go to bed when we got home, Jack replied by saying, "But, if he stops throwing a fit he can eat. Right?? Caden, just stop crying." He pleaded with me. He pleaded with Caden. He really gets upset when Caden gets in trouble.

Those boys.

They drive each other nuts. The are rivals. They are sweet. They are stinkers. They are brothers. They are best friends.

I'm so very thankful for the sweet moments. I'm so thankful that as frustrated as they can get with each other, it still comes back to the sweetness. I'm so very thankful. Thankful they have each other. Thankful that they seem to get along more than they fight... well, sometimes. Thankful that God blessed us with such sweet babes. Thankful that He helps keep me calm when I just want to scream. Thankful that fits stop. Thankful for snuggles and hands to hold. Thankful.

Before

Before I was a mom, all I wanted to be was a mom. I worked full time. I was good at what I did. My brain functioned fairly well. All was good. There was just one thing missing. Children...

Before I got one positive pregnancy test, I had had at least 100 negative ones. I would stare at those things, trying to see a second line. Pulling them out of the garbage hours later. Still searching. Wanting. Waiting...

Before I had my first baby I would rub my belly. Singing that the best was yet to come. Smiling. Rubbing. Dreaming. Waddling...

Before I had my second baby, I enjoyed my first. We took walks. We played. By the time the second was due I felt like I was just getting a handle on this mommy business. I was able to get my house clean once a week (well, mostly!) I was able to work out. I was able to have dinner on the table. I was able to enjoy. Then. I had my second...

Before I had my 3rd, I was done. I could not imagine functioning with more that two babes. I was depressed. I was tired. I was not able to get it done. At all. My second threw me for a loop. He was not easy. He was not content. I was depressed. That REALLY did not help...

Before I found out I was pregnant with #3, I prayed that I would not be pregnant. But. I knew that I was. I prayed. And prayed. Then I saw two lines...

Before I found out I was pregnant with #3, I had no idea how in the world surprise pregnancies could happen. I had little patience hearing those stories. We had HAD to try. Try. And try some more. Accidents were not accidents. Didn't everyone know that getting pregnant wasn't easy??

Before I found out I was having a girl, I was great with having another boy. Then, I heard the sweetest words ever. "It's a girl!!" With tears streaming down my face I joyfully thanked the Lord for my unanswered prayers...

Before I knew that my baby was okay. That she was healthy. I savored every moment of her in my belly. When I heard the Dr. say that she was okay, I cried tears of joy once again.

Before she was born I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine how amazing a little girl would be. When the Dr. put her in my arms I fell in love. There was something about her. Something different. A bond that simply cannot be explained...

Before I had my 4th, I savored every single moment. Rubbing my belly. Gazing at my belly. Enjoying every kick and hiccup. Counting down the days in anticipation. Excited to meet our new little man. Sad to close the chapter on new babes. When the Dr. put him in my arms, I could not get him close enough. He was so sweet. So perfect. Such a blessing...

Before I went in to have my tubes tied I was terrified of the surgery. When the Dr. put in the last stitch and said they were done, I cried. Cried because I was done. Cried because I would never get to feel a baby growing inside me again. Cried because I would never get to experience the beautiful miracle of childbirth. I cried whenever I thought about it that whole first year...

Before Cole joined our family I felt like someone was missing. Before he joined our family I could not imagine life with a teenage boy. I had no clue how amazing it would be to watch him grow, physically and emotionally. I had no idea how awesome it would be to watch him step into the roll of "big brother". I had no idea how much I could love him...

Before I had 5 kids, I could function. I could think. I could only imagine the joy that children would bring. I never knew that along with the joy came incredible fatigue. That along with the laughter came immense frustration. That along with juggling life's responsibilities came something called "brain fog". Serious. Brain. Fog.

So, when driving home the other night I was taken a bit by surprise. I was in shock to see a billboard advertising fireworks sales. I was slightly irritated that they would have a sign up ALREADY. I mean really. The 4th of July is SIX months away, isn't it?? Oh wait. It's not. It's FOUR weeks away!!!

My pour brain. It's so foggy in there that I didn't even realize that it was the last day of May and not winter still! Nice. Real nice.

I Love...

I love getting cards from my husband...

I love hearing my sweet almost 8 year old read...

He reads to me...

To himself...

To his brothers and sister...

He reads anything he can...

So tonight, after his shower, he asked me,

"Mom, why is there a card on your bathroom counter that says, "I love you because you're incredibly S. E. X. Y.???"

And yes.

He spelled it out for me.

Apparently a friend told him you NEVER say that word.

When I asked him what he knew about that word, he said he thought it meant cute.

Yep.

Something like that.

Yes.

I love getting cards from my husband.

Yes.

I love hearing my son read.

Now, I just need to make sure I put things away that are not so appropriate for his eyes.

Whoops.