Jackson

There have been times in Jackson's life where we have actually wondered if we're going to be able to raise him without breaking his spirit. He is tenacious to say the least. He likes things his way. He STILL throws fits.

We get frustrated. We pray for A LOT of wisdom. We are often at a loss.

But, today. Today, holy cow. Today, I met with his teacher. And what I heard made my heart swell. Truly, I have no words to even describe how my heart feels right now...

Aside from being one of her favorite students. Aside from the fact that he is learning quickly and doing so well. Aside from the fact that he does, in fact, stay on task while at school. Aside from all this, there was something that I simply was not prepared to hear.

There is a little boy in Jackson's class that has special needs. And apparently, with no one saying a word, Jackson took it upon himself to help this little boy the very 1st week of school. He helps him around the classroom. He opens his thermos for him at lunch time. He is there. While the little boy is capable of talking, he often does not, however, he does say Jackson's name. Jackson has talked about this boy. When we have gotten "happy" notes sent home from the teacher she has said that he has helped other students in class. Jackson has told us who he helps and that he is his friend.

I am so thankful to have a son that saw the needs of another. That he has done this all on his own. That he is so loving and caring towards his classmates and friends. I am so thankful that for all the head scratching, frustrating times, that I know, my sweet boy's spirit is still alive and well. That I have NOTHING to worry about. God has knit Jackson together perfectly and He will continue to guide us in raising him. We will continue to pray for wisdom. There is still a long road ahead. But, for now, I'm so thankful to see that the foundation that is starting to set is a good one.

Lord, thank you for this glimpse!

I Really Shouldn't

I really shouldn't go there, but I just can't resist...

Our family has been pounded by what seems to be the swine flu. It started with Cory on Thursday night and hit Caden, Jackson, Ella, Brenton and I on Saturday night.

We've had fevers and chills, aches and puking, headaches and coughing. It's been lovely.

I'm not feeling better yet, but well enough to find the humor in it all...

Sunday morning, Cory commented that while it was pathetic (the view in our family room) it was also a little funny. I found NOTHING funny about it. Until later, when walking back from the bathroom, when I got a good look. Yeah. It was a little funny. And a lot pathetic.


We do not have enough room on the couches for everyone to lay down so we ended up making beds on the floor. Brenton and Caden would go back and forth between the floor and our snuggles on the couch. Ella, however, did not move from the floor for 2 days. If she wasn't sleeping, she was puking. She'd wake up, puke, drink a sip of something, say something cute, and fall back to sleep.

Thankfully, it has yet to hit Cole. Thankfully, we seem to be on the mend. And as much as it stinks to be so sick, I found myself thanking God that we have gotten so much time together in the last few days. Because, truly, who doesn't love lots and lots of snuggles?

What If

I am not a big fan of change. Seriously.

I order the same thing whenever we go out to eat. While something may sound delicious, I'm always scared of trying something new... what if it doesn't taste as good as what I usually order. We don't go out to eat often, I wouldn't want to waste the experience. So, I order the same thing. Because, after all, what if...

I would rather go to a store that I am familiar with than to try a new one. What if they don't have what I need. Then I would have to go to another store. What if I can't find what I need. What if...

As we've looked at houses for the last 6 months, for all the excitement, there's also been a bit of the what ifs. What if it's not all that we think it will be?

Right now, I know what to expect... I know that the neighbors dog will probably wake us up at 5:45 a few mornings a week. I know that the neighbors dog will probably bark until late at night at least 1 night a week. I know that the "little drummer boy" (as I like to call him) will probably practice his skills at least a couple times a week. And I know that I will be able to hear said practice regardless of the fact that all our windows are closed and the TV is on. I know that at some point during the week I will hear or see something from the neighbor kids that I do not like. And as annoying as all these things can be, at least, I know what to expect.

What if, at the new house, we have even MORE obnoxious things to deal with?

Yesterday was a day of running around. I needed to get the withdrawal paperwork from the kid's current school. Then, I needed to get registration paperwork from the new schools. And go to the new post office.

As I went to Caden and Jack's school, I was a little sad. I love the secretary at their school. She is so nice. She is so helpful. She is what I know. And I LOVE Caden's teacher. She is perfect for him. Perfect!

I was talking to my wonderful friend on the phone on my way out to the new school. Sharing my silly anxieties. What if they aren't as nice at the new school? What if our new neighbors suck? What if the kid's teachers aren't perfect for them? What if??

Of course, my friend so sweetly talked me out of the tree. God knows what he's doing. If their teachers are mean. They'll get over it. And the neighbors, again, God knows what he's doing. It will be fine.

Well, imagine my surprise when I walked into Caden and Jack's new school. There, sitting behind the desk, was a wonderful familiar face. I looked at her. She looked at me. "Is that Meredith??" It was one of my good friend's mom from middle school. She was like a 2nd mom to me. And even after her daughter and I weren't as close, she was also sure to give me the biggest hug whenever I saw her. I love their family!

I was so thankful as I drove away. It was as if God was right there beside me, patting my hand, and saying, "See, it's okay, I've got this one too!" I know it's a little thing to most, but to me, it was huge. My anxieties vanished. I know that God's got it all worked out, however that may look. I know he's got it.

And as I prepared dinner last night - TV on, kids playing loudly, and "little drummer boy" playing clear as day, I couldn't help but be even more excited for our big move.

I Smile

"I smile when I think about the way you turned my life around. I smile when I think about the happiness in you I found. I'm so amazed at what your love has done. That when I think the best is yet to come, I smile..."

I used to sing that song while rubbing my tummy when I was pregnant with Caden. I cannot help smiling every time I hear that song. Every time...

Having kids has been so much better than not...

Having 5 kids has been so much better, for us, than 4, 3, 2, or 1...

Our marriage is so much better now, than it was...

My relationship with God is so much better now, than it was...

I cannot help but smile when I think that the best is yet to come. Even with as good as it is now.

Watching my children makes me smile. Every day I get to be reminded of God's love through my children. I LOVE that He has blessed me with each and every one of them. I LOVE that He has blessed me with SO many reminders. With so many reasons to smile...

Brenton got to go to his 1st Blazer game with his Daddy this week. He was beaming as they left and he got to ride in Daddy's truck. Cory was so sweet to send me pictures throughout the night. In each one, Brenton's smile could not have been any bigger. When they got home, he told me all about their night... the huge flying car with no parents or kids in it, Blaze the trail cat, getting to give the visiting players high fives, eating a giant pretzel with Dad. He loved it! Watching his joy made my heart overflow.

So tired after a night at the game...

I wasn't feeling well yesterday. My head was pounding. My stomach was turning. We were driving home from school and I told Ella and Brenton that I needed to lay down when we got home. While I was making Brenton's lunch, Ella so sweetly let me know that she was making a bed for me on the couch. There she was, carefully laying a blanket down for me, arranging the pillows, making it perfect. It warmed my heart. Realizing I must be doing something right...

Cory was making breakfast this morning and Caden came up to him... "Dad, you're not the only Dad I've ever had. God's my Dad too!" Melt my heart! I loved hearing Caden make that connection. That God is not just God, who sits in Heaven, watching over us. But, that he's his Daddy too. I was 16 before I figured that out!

It's been a wonderful week of heart warming moments. Watching Jack as he tries to help Cole. Watching Cole as he reads to the kids. Caden realizing God's his Daddy too. Ella, mothering her mom. Brenton beaming.

I love weeks like this. Where even among all the craziness of packing, I still get to see how much God loves me. How much He cares for me. Days where I can feel Him. Right there. And then, I smile...

God's Timing

"I know you don't believe in God, but I just have to tell you how thankful I am for His timing."

Words said to my new good friend and neighbor last week while fixing dinner. We were talking about the new house. About how perfect it would be... But, what's funny is that I have often reflected on the fact that had our "perfect" plan worked out last summer, we would never have gotten to know our neighbors like we do now.

Dinner with our neighbors has become a weekly event. We enjoy it. Our kids enjoy it. Conversation flows freely and it is clear that we are all loved. Had we moved last year, we would have really missed out. I wanted our neighbor to know what a true blessing she and her husband are to us. I love that God has allowed me to see a little snippet of His plan...

His snippet has given me a lot of peace. Peace because it's a reminder that He is here. Always. Peace because I know that HE knows best...

I can easily say that this summer was one of the darkest times in my life. Angry. Hopeless. Frustrated. Confused. I was constantly wrestling with God. Trying to grasp some sort of understanding as to why in the world my brother was sick again. Wondering why we were going through yet another trial. Wondering how any of it could be good. Wondering where in the world was God? Then, there was a knock on the door...

Caden's friend was to be picking him up and when I heard the knock, I assumed it was his friend's mom. It was not. Instead, I was greeted by two nice young men. Normally, I would have told them that I already attend church and that I do know that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. Normally, I would have smiled politely and left it at that. Normally.

I wasn't feeling so normal.

God gave me a boldness that day. A boldness to share what I believe. He knew where this conversation was going. He knew what was in store...

As we stood as my front door, talking about our beliefs, one of the young men said something about a testimony. A testimony? I offered to share mine. All of it. Yes. All of it.

I shared about our struggles to conceive. About our miscarriage. About our miracle in Ella. About our answered prayer for the impossible with Brenton.

I shared about Traci's illness. Then Scott's diagnosis. Then Cory's. I shared about having a newborn and a husband in the hospital at the same time. I shared of God's provision. Both the physical and the spiritual. I shared about my night on my knees. When I had nothing left. When I closed my eyes and God gave me a vision. Of me, trying to do it alone. Walking through the snowstorm. Shoulders heavy. Head down. Feet dragging. Of Jesus standing there to take my hand. The weight being lifted as I took His hand in mine. Giving Him my burdens. I shared of the verse God gave me the next morning...

"And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates , a land of olive oil and honey; a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing; a land whose stones are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are full, then you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you." Deuteronomy 8:2-10

I shared that I knew in that moment that God would provide. That we would be okay.

I shared about Traci getting sick again. Of Scott passing. Of Cole coming to live with us. Of Jonas and the miracle that he is.

I shared about my brother getting cancer last year. Of His journey. Of trials over the new year. Of God, walking beside us EVERY time. Of Him carrying us through it all.

I shared the words that God has spoken to me. Straight from His word. Whenever I called. Words God gave me the morning after I heard my brother was sick again...

"For I will restore health to you
And heal you of your wounds, says the Lord," Jeremiah 30:17

I knew that God could heal my brother. He could give us a miracle. I also knew that He might not, but that He would heal our wounds. He would be there. No matter what.

Then, he reminded me of His power. His might.

"He has made the earth by His power;
He has established the world by His wisdom,
And stretched out the heaven by His understanding.
When He utters His voice -
There is a multitude of waters in the heavens:
He causes the vapors to ascend from the ends of the earth;
He makes lightnings for the rain;
He brings the wind out of His treasuries." Jeremiah 51:15-16

And then there was this,

"I called on Your name, O Lord,
From the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice:
Do not hide Your ear
From my sighing, from my cry for help.
You drew near on the day I called on You,
And said, "Do not fear!" Lamentations 3:55-57

At this point, I could tell. The nice young men were ready to run. Yes. Here I was. This crazy christian woman, I'm sure not what they expected, going on and on about my Jesus. His truth. His word.

I told them I would pray for them. They thanked me and were on there way. I smiled as they walked away...

In that moment I knew that God was there. I knew that that conversation was no accident. It wasn't a surprise. I stood wondering... was that for them, or for me?? The answer? BOTH.

It was amazing to be reminded that God has always been there. Always. He reminded me through the sharing of my own testimony. And minutes later, I would get another wonderful treasure. A phone call. From my brother.

He could possibly have testicular cancer. His cancer would then be treatable. We would not be saying goodbye anytime soon. I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. With His timing. I was in awe.

God even timed our visit with my brother perfectly. We had been trying to get over there for weeks. It was not working. I was getting frustrated. Finally, we headed over. The week he started his 1st treatment. It was perfect.

We were able to be there to care for Chris, Kristin and the kids. While my brother hated that we were there and he wasn't up for much fun, we loved that we were there and could serve them. Love them. Care for them. It was a week I will never forget.

God got us there exactly when we needed to be there.

Cory called yesterday. He called to tell me that he had talked to my brother. That the Dr. had found something that was still there. My brother has to endure 2 more rounds of chemo. Two more. That's 14 more times that he will go and sit in that chair. Fourteen more times that he will have to talk himself into going. 14. My heart hurts for him. For Kristin. For the kids. As my dear friend reminded me yesterday, this may be a surprise to us, but it is NO surprise to God. And as she's said before, He's got this one. He does.

I actually started writing this last week and got busy. It has sat here until today. God's timing. And as I sit here, reading over words written last week, I'm again thankful for God, His love, His blessings, His mercy. I know that He's there. I know He will carry my brother through. I know that no matter what, He IS here. Every moment. Every day.

And I know that should I ever start to wonder all I need to do is look back at the story He has given us. He is undeniably there every step of the way.

"Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment." Psalms 66:8-12

Pumpkin Patch Fun?

An almost dead camera?? Check

A full memory card on said camera?? Check

A rainy day?? Check

Fun at the pumpkin patch?? Double check!

It was a little cold. It was a lot wet. It was very fun.

Ella, Brenton and I got to have some pumpkin patch fun this morning with Ella's preschool class. I was hoping that the rain would wait to unload until we were done and truly, we just about made it.

The kids went through the corn maze...
Gazed at the animals...

Climbed the pyramid...

Took a hay ride...

Insert photo here

(The camera was just about dead and I was way too worried that we wouldn't get pictures with the pumpkins so, we skipped this photo op.)

Found a pumpkin...

Smiled with mom...

AND got to sit on a tractor...


I love visiting this pumpkin patch. We have fun rain or shine and I love to watch my kids giggle with glee as we go on a hay ride.

Thanking the Lord for pumpkins and hay. For animals and tractors. For fun together. For beautiful, wet fall days. For sweet smiles. And for a warm house to come home to. Love you Lord!

Praise The Lord!!

It's been a great week for us! The most recent fantastic news is...

My brother's cancer is GONE!! You can read his update here

So very very thankful for God, His miracle and His timing!

We also received news on our house... well, it's not quite ours yet, but we're working on it!

After the inspection, it was found that part of the wood near the foundation was rotting. There were also some leaky faucets, a leaky toilet and a small bit of floor rotted from one of the leaky faucets. Our brilliant friend and realtor thought it would be a great idea to see if the bank would fix all the issues. Cory thought we shouldn't ask for too much for fear that we might look greedy. However, considering our friend is the expert, we took his advice and...

The bank is fixing EVERYTHING!!

We were blown away and so thankful for God's goodness. Holy cow!

They begin work on the house tomorrow and we are expecting to move around the end of the month. Now, we're just praying that someone wants to rent our current house...

I love getting good news. Love it!! Love it!! Love it!! It sure helps to brighten this rainy day!

Three

Three. I can't believe it! Three. Where has the time gone?

Three. I watched you go running to your Daddy's truck this morning. So excited to get to ride in his truck. So excited to get to go get donuts with Daddy all by yourself. Running. Glowing. Skinny little legs. No more diaper bum. Looking more like a boy than a baby.

Three. Only now as I sit here are there tears in my eyes. So different than last year. I have LOVED watching you grow this year. You make us laugh more often than not. Truly. Even amidst so many frustrations, we often have to stifle our laughter. And other times, when that's not even possible, we have to tell you that it's still not okay even though we are laughing.

Three. Your smile is contagious. Your love pours out. When you reach for my hand with your chubby little fingers I cannot help but smile. My heart warms. You are a constant reminder to me of God's love. You have taught me so very much.

I was reading through my journal this morning and came upon this...

February 4, 2006

I started feeling pretty icky this week. At the beginning of the week I was just a little nauseous and by the end of the week it had hit me completely. I'm so tired and nauseous much of the time. But, at least, now I know you must be okay in there. I also know this is all so worth it. When I feel you move for the first time and every time thereafter it will be so worth it. When I hear your sweet heart beating, it will be worth it. When I get to see you on the ultrasound it will be worth it. And when I get to hold you in my arms for the first time and every time thereafter, it will be forgotten...

My son. My baby. I can't even remember. You have completely erased any memory of sickness. Of fatigue. Of discomfort. You are an amazing blessing.

You have gone from baby to boy so quickly and have grown even more just in the last month. I have loved our time alone while all the kids are at school. I cherish our trips to the park. Our car rides full of questions and great conversations. I have loved seeing another side of you. You aren't striving for my attention. You aren't fighting for your place. You soak it all up.

I have loved watching you with your sister and brothers lately. You are starting to get it. Starting to understand that you don't need to fight for their attention. That they love to play with you when you aren't hitting them with toys or throwing their pokemon cards... of course, that doesn't always stop you. If fact, just last night I overheard,

"Brenton, why did you throw my cards???"

"You should have caught them!!!"

Oh sweet boy.

Our latest adventure has been getting on the potty train as you like to call it. You have proved to be easier than expected and even you seem to be excited to be done with diapers... now anyway!

I love you my sweet baby. I pray that you would continue to love others as you do. I pray your smile continues to glow. I pray that we are able to raise you without squashing your exuberant personality.

Thank you Lord for the blessing of another year with Brenton. Thank you for knowing that he is exactly what our family needs. Thank you for his laughter. Thank you for using him to remind me how much you love me. How you love to hold my hand. And snuggle. And listen. I love you Lord!