Therapeutic Ramblings

I sat at my kitchen table and cried last night. I'm not sure what kind of tears they were... Tears of joy? Tears of sadness? Tears caused by the fact that my baby is about to turn 2? Tears because anxiety has started creeping in whenever I think of my brother? Tears caused by a lovely little friend that in all poetic justice is going to arrive on my sons 2nd birthday? Regardless, I sat and stared at my sweet almost 2 year old as he climbed up into my lap and stayed for a nice long while.

I get teary sitting here thinking about it (seriously, I'm sure that my hormones have GOT to have something to do with this!). Two years ago, Brenton was still in my belly. He was 4 days overdue. I could not wait to meet him. I was such a mix of emotions. I wanted him to come out. I wanted him to be safe. I wanted him to come naturally. At 4 days past due, induction was starting to stare me in the face. I did not want to be induced. I knew that Brenton would be my last baby. I knew that I would never get to experience childbirth again. I wanted the spontaneity that comes with going into childbirth naturally. The night before I was to be induced I was seriously thinking about calling off the induction. Couldn't I just be monitored? After all, I was only a week overdue. But then, that night, I didn't feel him moving. I drank juice. Layed on my side. Did everything they say you should do. I was freaking out a bit. Then, as I got ready to make a phone call, he kicked. In that moment, I put away my selfish desires and decided that he needed to come out the next day. What if something were to happen while I waited to have him naturally? Nope. I would get induced.

I sat watching him last night. He has brought so much joy to our family. He is the perfect fit. God knew exactly what we needed in this family. He knew exactly what I needed. I feel like Brenton exudes God's joy and love. He radiates. Of course, he drives me crazy at times. He is almost 2 after all and no one is perfect. But oh, when he reaches for my hand and just wants a love... my heart melts.

I then thought about the last 2 years. So much has happened in the last 2 years. Two years ago as we waited for Brenton to arrive, Cory's health was spiralling downward. We often joke that when Brenton was born, I actually had twins. A month after B was born, Cory was couch ridden. I was not only taking care of a newborn and 3 more kids 5 and under, but I was also taking care of my 30 year old husband. As I celebrated Brenton's 1st's, I prayed that my husband would heal. That God would take his pain. As I went on field trips and cared for my children I watched Cory get weaker and weaker.

It is by the grace of God that Cory finally went to the Dr. The Dr. took one look at him and sent him to the ICU. Not even just straight to the hospital. The ICU. He was so worried that his heart was going to fail. He was so sick. God saved his life that day. Nine days later God saved his life again. He was to be discharged from the hospital. The Dr. saw something that wasn't quite right. She did more tests and off he went into emergency surgery. Had she not found that, he would have died.

The day after his surgery I got a little message from God. It was through my baby. As I changed him in the ICU bathroom, he giggled for the first time. He made me giggle through my tears. God knew I needed him.

I love that God uses our children as reminders. They are reminders of His love for us. Even when they drive me nuts and I want to run away I see what God must see in us at times. When we throw fits. When we fight with our brothers and sisters. When we are disrespectful. I see God's smile in my children. I hear his laughter. I see such a great sense of humor. God is amazing.

He continues to be amazing. I stood in the shower and prayed last night. Praying that God would take my anxieties about my brother. He is done with his chemo/radiation and now we just wait on the tests. Honestly, I'm nervous. I prayed in bed, lifting my hands to God, opening my palms, trying to let go. Why is that so hard? I feel like this is where Satan is trying to get a foothold. He is trying. I will not let him. I could use prayer. My brother's family could use prayer.

As I think back over the last 2 years, I see so many miracles. We have had our share of storms, but God has been there. We've had so many moments where he made us giggle. We have Cory's health. We have our children, those born to us and Cole who was brought to us. We have my sweet sister in law, Traci. A year ago, we were worried about her health. About her baby. But God protected her. God kept her safe. He made Jonas thrive and grow even when Traci was so unhealthy. They survived surgery together against all odds. They are miracles. I'm thankful for those storms. I know that because we've been through them before, that we will go through them again and God will always be there.

He WILL always be there!

Family

It's been a long week. It's been an even longer weekend. Usually, I long for the weekend. Usually, I wish it would stay the weekend forever. This has been a long weekend.

Cory has been working this weekend. It's National Alpaca Farm Days. He got to the ranch a little after 7:30 yesterday and was there until about 5:45. This morning, he left just as early. Yesterday, I brilliantly thought that we could get out of the house and go have some fun at Old Navy. I mean, they were having a crazy sale. I could start Christmas shopping, get some birthday presents taken care of... it would just be quick. It would be fun. I even patted myself on the back as I thought to take the double stroller. That way at least 2 would be contained. Fast forward an hour. Brenton apparently knows how to unbuckle and get out of the stroller. Jackson and Ella are running to press the button that makes a dog bark. My heart was pounding out of my chest. Fun times. I'm so glad I went. I did get some really good deals. Who doesn't love paying $2.00 for a swimsuit that their daughter can wear next summer. $2!!! As we were checking out Cory called to see if we would be stopping by the ranch. They had snacks there. The kids could play, eat some lunch, then we could go home to nap.

Fast forward 3 hours. After riding ponies, riding in a horse drawn cart, petting alpacas, playing in dirt piles, eating pizza, eating candy, and drinking pop (gasp!) Caden was done. He marched himself out to the car, climbed in, and was ready to go. So was I. I can say, we did have a lot of fun at the ranch. One of the owners of the ranch has a HUGE family. A huge, amazing family. He and his wife have 7 kids. I think I heard that the wife is from a family of 12. Most of their 7 kids have kids. They were all there at the ranch. I loved watching all of them. They helped each other with their kids. They sat back and enjoyed each other. I wanted to be adopted into this huge, amazing family. I love my family. I am greatly blessed by my family. But, my parents and brother and sister and law are across the state. Cory's sister is amazing as well. However, yesterday I just thought, how cool to have such a huge family. I told Bill, the owner, that I just loved his family. I commented on what a blessing they all are. His response struck me. He said he was always telling his kids how important family is. If you don't have family, you don't have nothing. How true. The other thing he said was that friends could be flaky, but family was always there. Not so true for us.

The thing is, our family doesn't just include our family. Our family IS huge. Our family has been there for us through thick and thin. Our family is amazing. Not only are we blessed by our biological family, but we are richly blessed by our family in Christ.

I was at church this morning. Truly, I didn't want to go. Cory was working, I had to do it by myself. I didn't want to go. But, I went. It was the celebration of 15 years that our church has been around. It was the day of our church picnic. This would all be so great if Cory were there, but he wasn't. I didn't want to go. Plating 5 plates of kids food who probably would whine about the food didn't sound fun. Sitting in the hot sun, eating said food, while the kids whined about the food, didn't sound fun. I walked out of the doors of the church and saw a friend that I knew if I could just get a hug from her all would be a little better. I think we both got a little therapy from that hug. From there, I was greeted by a great friend who asked how she could help. She took my bags. As I walked over to look at the food and see if my kids would eat it, I was greeted by more friends wanting to help. They each took plates for my kids, another friend took my kids to sit down, my heart rate slowed just a bit. My family knew I was alone today. They made every effort to make things easier. They helped me care for my kids. They took care of me.

My family has care for us more times than I can count. They have fed us when we couldn't feed ourselves whether with a food box or freezer meals galore. When Cory was sick, a great friend took it upon herself to organize freezer meals for us. I was blown away, number one, by the number of meals we received from people that didn't even really know us. Number two, that people would make so many meals for us that had such specific ingredients since there were many things Cory could not eat. I was blown away as meals continued to flow through our door. We were fed for months. All by our family. Not only did our family feed us literally, we were also fed spiritually. They taught us how to serve. They helped carry our burden. They prayed prayer upon prayer.

As we've faced many trials in our lives, our family has always been there. God has so richly blessed us with an amazing, huge and wonderful family. They are anything but flaky. So, hear I sit, still a bit frazzled from the weekend. Still a bit tired. But, knowing that I am so blessed. God has made sure that we are taken care of here of earth. He has sent so many people to care for us. I am so thankful to be so loved.

We're doing a study at church called "Better Together". We truly are better together. My kids memory verse has been, "Your love for one another, will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35. How wonderful. I pray that as we all walk with each other, embrace each other, feed each other, that other's would be able to see God's love. The cool this is that as we do this and extend this love to those outside our church family, our family will only continue to grow. We too can have a huge, amazing and wonderful family!

It's funny, as I've typed this out, I've gone from feeling like this...

To feeling like this... To feeling like this...God is so good!!

Best Friends

There are some new buddies in my house. Their names are Jackson and Ella. The same Jackson and Ella who have never had much to do with each other. The same Jackson and Ella that often just get on each other's nerves. Monday summed up their time together. It was awful. If they weren't fighting, they were whining. But then... Tuesday came. Oh my! They were inseparable. They had so much fun! Ella kept hugging Jackson and saying, "you're my best friend Jackson!" I barely recognized them! I had to take pictures. This might not last! Then came Wednesday. Praise the Lord, they were still friends! I was having a snack and Ella came downstairs. She said, "can I have one? And can I take one to Jackson too please?" I'm pretty sure my children have never asked on their own to take a snack to someone else. Usually, they're getting sent from the other sibling.

I was thinking about their behavior. They have never really had to be friends. Jackson has always had Caden or preschool. Ella has had Brenton for as long as she can remember. However, now that Caden is in school full time and Jackson is not in preschool, there's a whole different dynamic. I was praising the Lord the other day for giving us this solution. To keep Jackson home this year. If we had sent him to kindergarten, he and Ella would not have had this opportunity to be best friends. If he had stayed in preschool, the same would be true. Instead, here we are at home and I feel so blessed to hear those wonderful, sweet words coming out of my daughter's mouth.

I also love that I have a new playmate. His name is Brenton. He's always had big sis to play with and now that she's a little preoccupied, he sure is loving to play with me. What a great year I think we'll have!

I Had No Clue

Apparently, this is how the soccer players do it...

I had no clue. Jackson and Ella went upstairs to get dressed yesterday. They were going to play soccer in the back yard. These are the outfits they chose. When asked what they were wearing? This is how the soccer players do it Mom. Nice. Apparently, soccer players where lots of layers, fold their socks over and don't like to match much. Love it!

On another note, I spent a wonderful evening last night with a group of women that I am so thankful to know. These women are all so in love with the Lord and so desire to do His will. They are passionate about connecting with other moms. They so desire for women to not feel alone as we walk this path of motherhood. This is a group of women that God has put together so perfectly. This group is the leadership team for our Mom's group. We got together last night so that we could bless these woman who give so much of themselves and so that we could dedicate our coming season to the Lord. So we could ask for His blessings. So we could pray for the mom's who have decided to come and those who are on the fence. I didn't want to leave. My heart felt full and I always want more time with them than what I get.

What I love is that we all know that we are only qualified to do this because we have God. Without Him, we are just empty vessels. What's amazing to me, though, is how the enemy loves to prey on us. We know they are lies. We know that he is there waiting to pounce. Yet, sometimes, in our weakest and loneliest moments we think these lies to be true. One that really struck me was that some feel their kids are too old. That because they are no longer sleep deprived and dealing with diapers that they have no place in this mom's group. I had no clue. As long as we're moms don't we need each other to lean on? I know that for me, I cling to the women who have children the same age as my own. After having 4 babies, that's relatively easy. I can do diapers and babies. It's the older ones that are hard. It's the older ones that cause me to tear my hair out. It's the older ones that make me run to my friends and ask for support.

My lie is a hard one to share. I feel like a dork. I feel like it sounds like I'm fishing. But because I'm choosing to be authentic, I will share. My lie, at least I hope it's a lie, is that I'm not liked. I know that Eryn loves me (she tells me so!) but, I wonder about the rest. I know that I talk a lot. Sometimes too much. I tend to be an advice giver. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I wonder if I bug the girls. Do they just want me to shut up? I haven't been very present at mom's the last two seasons due to life's circumstances... do they see me as flaky? I'm so not trying to fish, just revealing my deepest insecurities for all to read.

The other thing that struck me was how when someone shared their insecurity, we all could see it for the lie that it was. The lie they heard couldn't be further from the truth. These women are all such amazing, wonderful and perfect creations. They are all such a vital part to our group. They are perfectly made to do their "job". Psalm 33:15 says "He fashions their hearts individually; he considers all their works." We are all uniquely made for His purposes. How cool is that? He knit us together, knowing what our purpose would be. Knowing the path we would walk. Knowing the obstacles we would face. Knowing how we would grow. Knowing exactly where we needed to be.

I took a huge leap of faith this year. In all my life, when I've taken a spiritual gifts test, leadership has NEVER been at the top. It's been at the bottom. It is something that I sprint from. I am not a leader. And yet, here I am, helping to lead this amazing group. I am so NOT qualified. I know this. When I was praying about this position, that Psalm spoke to me. Knowing that my abilities didn't matter. It's not about my abilities. It's about God. I mean, how awesome is God? He can take a women who has no leadership abilities and put her in a place of leadership. I know that it is only God. As long as I continue to look to Him and His will, I'm doing exactly what He intended for me to do.

Eryn and I really sought the Lord in planning this dinner. We wanted to give the women a verse that would help them cling to the Lord's truth and dismiss the enemy's lies.

God gave us 2 Corinthians 4

1 Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2 Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6 For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ.
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
13 It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I am so very very thankful that God has brought all these "unqualified" women together. They are not only a huge blessing to the mom's who come on Thursday mornings, but they are also such a blessing to my soul.

Thank you Lord!!

Just a Funny

6:30 came way too early this morning. We stayed up way too late last night... 10:20. I rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom with my eyes half open. Got dressed. Slowly. Hair in headband. Clothes on. Reached for the deodorant. One arm done. Other side? Feels weird. Whoops! Forgot to put the deodorant UNDER my shirt. White streak on the armpit of my shirt. Nice.

Hope that someone will get a laugh from my exhaustion. Hoping more that you all have a great day!

Perspective

We had some friends over for dinner last night. We joke with them because they once referred to us as "older". We're not THAT much older... They just had their 1st baby in April and it was neat to watch them with her. Their love for her just overflows. You can just see it in their eyes. They are enamored.

While talking with the mom, she was saying how she hates to be away from her sweet girl. Even leaving her in the nursery at church is hard. I loved hearing that! I had forgotten. It's funny because, most of the time I'm so thankful for where I'm at. I'm thankful that I've learned to relax and let go of a lot of things that held me down as a young mom. However, it was so refreshing for my soul to be reminded of how I used to be with my children.When Caden was a baby I hated to be away from him. We went on very few dates and didn't leave him overnight until he was a couple months past turning 1. Even when I would get the opportunity to sleep in, I would lay in bed listening to Cory and Caden. I would miss him. I didn't want to miss a moment with him. I would give up sleeping in just so that I could spend time with both my boys. I loved it and it warmed my heart.What happened? Somewhere between one child and five I lost that. I find that now, even if I can't go back to sleep when I have the chance to sleep in, I will lay in bed until the breakfast rush is over. Until the craziness stops. What I used to rush to, I now dread.

My friend and I were talking about the joy we have in raising our children. I admitted that it is hard. As a somewhat seasoned mom, it's hard to remember that our children are God's gift to us. They do bring so much amazing joy but in the day to day it sometimes doesn't feel like such a gift. There's screaming, fighting, whining and lots of poop. But still, they are such a gift. I shared about a book I've been reading. It's called Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. This book has changed the way I parent. It has taken the burden of trying to be a Supermom. I know longer feel as though I can't measure up. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter is how I am raising my children. Am I doing what God would want me to do? Am I raising them to know the Lord? Are my actions showing God's love? Am I being the best mom I can be to them? After all, when I was a little girl, I never said that I wanted to be a really good cook when I grow up. Nor did I say that I wanted to be a really good housekeeper. What I wanted to be? A mom. That's all. So, I've realized that I can either be the best mom that I can be or I can be a really good cook and housekeeper. But, I can't do it all.

This book opened my eyes to the fact that the other stuff often took priority over my wonderful gifts from God. I realized that I wasn't finding the joy in my children like I used to. Since then, I've prayed that God would open my eyes. That I would see the joy.

So now. Now, when 12 year old wants to read his devotional with me, I am filled with joy. When my 7 year old climbs into my bed because he had a bad dream I relish in the fact that he still wants a snuggle from his mom. When my 5 year old just wants me, it warms my heart. When my 3 year old wants to pray like a cheerleader or a flower I smile. When my 1 year old goes running around in just a diaper, cheeks bouncing, jelly belly, I melt. I am so thankful that God has trusted Cory and I to raise these beautiful children. They are amazing. I'm also so thankful for "younger" friends and what they can help us remember... especially since my memory is definitely not what it used to be!!

Just An Accident

Could this be an accident?

Or what about this?

This???

How cool is God? The amazing carrots were picked out of our garden yesterday. Cole had to brace himself just to pull the things out of the ground. I'm pretty sure I have never seen a carrot that size. The kids loved them.

And the tomatoes. Yum. I've never been one that likes tomatoes. This year however, yum. Throw some basil and some garlic in there and I'm in heaven. AND we even canned some last night. AND I LIKED it!!! I've never liked to can, but tomatoes are easy. I can totally can tomatoes!

Then there's the zucchini. Oh my! Our family loves us some zucchini. Although Caden may be on a food strike with most foods, he'll eat his zucchini. Half his plate was filled with zucchini and he wanted more.

As I was making our dinner last night and canning tomatoes, I just thought about how cool God is. It amazes me that someone could think that this is all an accident. That there is no Creator. But, I know. I know that God loves us so much that he placed us in this world. Not only did he put us here, he put us in a beautiful place where we get to enjoy amazing food grown right in our own backyard. He could have just left us with brown mush to eat. Instead, his imagination went wild and we ended up with the most beautiful and interesting foods.

Thank you God for loving us so much. Thank you that we don't just have to eat brown mush!

On Strike

Not me. That would be bad. Not Cory. That would be worse. It's my son. My sweet 7 year old. The boy who at the age of 1 loved steak and shrimp. The boy who would choose brocolli over french fries when going out to eat. The boy who loves zucchini. The boy who used to eat whatever I put in front of him. The only thing he did not like? Tuna fish. I gave it to him when he was about 1 1/2. He was so sweet. He took the 1st bite, didn't complain a bit, but I could tell by the look on his face that he was miserable. I never made him take another bite of it.

On a Thursday in May, I made lunch for my kids. Peanut butter and jelly. The same peanut butter and jelly that I'd been making since Caden was 1. Now, I hadn't made peanut butter and jelly on a Thursday for a long time. You see, Caden had been in school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for 3 years at this point (2 years of preschool and kindergarten). And every time I sent him to school, I would make peanut butter and jelly. So, as I put the pb&j in front of him he threw a fit. Tears flowing. Red face. Fit. Wow.

"You've been eating peanut butter and jelly since you were 1. Why the fit?"

"I don't like peanut butter and jelly?"

"WHAT?? You eat it every day at school."

"No, I don't."

"What do you do with it?"

"Throw it in the garbage."

"SERIOUSLY???"

There are starving children in Ethiopia and my son is throwing his sandwich away. What in the world? So, all summer we were on a mission. What could we possibly put in Caden's lunch when school started again. Here's what he will no longer eat: cheese (unless melted in Lasagna or enchiladas or if on a cheeseburger from Cheeseburgerville - aka Burgerville), peanut butter and jelly, lunchmeat. The list continues to grow. Things he liked last week are now not appreciated. We've tried Hummus on crackers. Nuts. Attempted tuna again. Sandwiches with ham. I'm at my wits end.

Caden has started having quite an attitude. So much so, that this week, TV was taken away. We then realized that his attitude seemed to coincide with the fact that he has not been eating. Breakfast has also become a challenge. I would be crabby too if I wasn't eating. What gets me is that he has just gotten pickier and pickier. We've even gotten desperate enough to ask him what sounds good. NOTHING!!

What's a mom to do? Now that we've called him on his attitude he seems to be working on it, but he's still not eating much. Anyone have any suggestions as to what we could feed our sweet, used to eat anything and now will eat nothing, 7 year old?

What I Love

God. My husband. My children. My family. My coffee in the morning. Fuzzi Bunz diapers. Strangers in the grocery store who tell me they remember having 5 young kids and watching mine warms their heart. A cashier with patience. An empty laundry room. Bedtime hugs. The list could go on...

I had a great roommate my sophomore year of college. Cory was home with his family as his mom was sick and I was having an incredibly hard time still being at school. But my roommate was great. I had received a book that year that was called "10,000 things to be Happy About". Actually, not sure what the number was, but it was something like that. Each page had lists. Anything from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, to sunsets and drive-in movies. Anything that would make you smile. Each morning whoever woke up first would go through the book, pick something and write it on the mirror (with a dry erase marker, of course). When the other would leave for class, they would put another word up. It was just a little something that brought me joy. My roommate was a great friend. She cared about me. She would listen to me cry. She would make me roll with laughter. We could talk about nothing or anything. What I loved? She was authentic.

The older I get, the more I just crave authentic relationships. I'm drawn to people and want deeper friendships with the people who are real. People, who when they ask how you are doing, look you in the eye and you can tell they truly want to know how you are doing. People who are willing to share their guts with you. People who will tell you like it is. Who will lovingly tell you when you are way off the mark.

Two years ago, the phone rang. A friend called and asked how I was doing. She caught me at just the right time. Not good. Cory and I had gotten in a huge fight the night before and as I told my friend. I felt done. Of course, I felt so embarrassed to say this. I was sure that none of my friends had ever felt done. This was just not something I should share. But, I did. I then asked, have you ever just felt done? Not the kind of done where you go and get a divorce. The kind of done where you just want to check out mentally. Her answer has stuck with me. It not only applies to that situation, but to so many more. She said, "every woman has felt done at some point. And if they tell you they haven't, they're either lying or they haven't been married long enough." But this statement can go on to so many other things... a friend was having a hard time nursing and asked me if I ever had a hard time. I started to get teary. Here my friend was, feeling alone. Like she was the only one to have a hard time. Seriously, how many woman haven't had a hard time? I told her the same thing my wise friend had told me...

How many of us just won't admit when things are hard. We don't want people to know that we don't have it all together. But really, what does it mean to have it all together? Really. What good does it do to make people think that. For many, I think it's easy to say I'll never be that good of a wife, mom, friend. I'll never look like that. We just end up feeling like we are less. It gets exhausting.

Why not just be honest. Obviously there are times when it's just not appropriate. You don't need to spill it with everyone. Case in point. I got a compliment on my headband yesterday. The headband that I invested in because I only do my hair about once a month now. The headband I bought because it would cover my greasy hair. When I got that compliment, I had to stop myself. Number 1, it was a man giving me the compliment. Number 2, all he needed to hear was "thank you". I'm sure my greasy hair is not something he wanted to hear about. So, I bit my tongue and said "thank you".

I've gotten to the point where I never want someone to think I have it all together. While it might be nice to look like it everyonce in a while in my scattered world. When it comes down to it, I don't so why pretend. I used to feel like less of a person when comparing myself to friends. I never want to cause someone to feel like less. So, I choose to be authentic. I choose to share my guts. Some may not appreciate it but I love the friendships I have and I love the ones that are forming. When I can talk with someone and say anything or nothing at all. Even better? When a friend feels they can say anything or nothing at all.

Thank you Lord for my amazing friends. Thank you amazing friends for being real. I love you!

One of Those Days

What a day. It started with a 7 year old who didn't feel good. After interrogating him for 10 minutes, I felt confident that he was indeed not feeling well and not just wanting to stay home from school because he was tired and didn't want to miss an episode of Ben 10. So, we let him stay home. No video games. He would not watch TV all day. He wasn't home to have fun. We, of course, didn't want him to start thinking it was more fun to stay home sick. Compassionate, I know.

After getting everyone taken care of and fed I moved to the kitchen. It looked like a bomb exploded as I had made a tasty meal the night before but was too tired to clean up. I got that mess cleaned up and I was on to tomato soup. Now, let me just say, I am not one of those people that loves the fall because of all the canning and freezing I GET to do. No. I am not. I don't like canning. I don't like freezing. It's a bunch of projects and I just get overwhelmed. Thankfully, Cory does seem to enjoy it. He takes care of canning the green beans and does most of the pickle work (I basically just peel all the garlic). And usually he takes care of the pears and the peaches too. However, this year we didn't need to can peaches. We still have some from last year. Sadly though, our freezer was barren of peaches. We love to throw frozen peaches in our smoothies in the winter. So, Cory purchased two boxes of some delicious looking peaches so that we could stock our freezer. Along with needing to peel and freeze two boxes of peaches, I had 3 batches of tomato soup to make so that I could use up some of the tomatoes that are overtaking our garden. Unfortunately, for me, this all happened on the same day. Did I mention that I don't like to do this stuff? But, like the good ant, I prepared for winter and got my work done. I just wasn't in the best of moods when I finished.

Oh, and my 7 year old, he's not so sick. My interrogation failed to reveal that his stomach and head were probably hurting because he chose to NOT eat the delicious meal I mentioned above. So, he missed a day of school for hunger pains. Nice. Sorry Miss Mills.

After dinner I tried to run away. I tried the backyard but they found me. I tried the bonus room thinking that I could hide in the corner and retreat into the computer. They found me again. Four of them. Crawling all over me. It's funny to me that when I'm REALLY crabby they seem to want more of me. They just can't get enough. It's as if they wish they could get back inside. They want nothing to do with me if I'm in a good mood and want to spend time with them. They love me when I want to run away. I don't get that.

Thankfully, that's when the Lord made the light bulb turn on. Ella and Jackson had wanted to brush my hair right before nap time. I told them we'd have to do it later and Ella placed the brush on my dresser. In my moment of wanting to run, I remembered that hair brush. That wonderful hair brush. I said, "hey, you guys want to brush my hair?" "YEAH!!!" Off we went to the boys room and Ella, Jackson, and Brenton all brushed my hair while Caden scratched my back. Wow. My kids were having fun and I felt like I was at a spa. How entirely perfect. Not only was I spending time with my kids, laughing and having fun, I also managed to follow through in letting my kids brush my hair like I had told them earlier in the day.

Thank you Lord for that light bulb moment. Had that thought not crossed my mind, I would have stayed crabby. I would have continued to run from my sweet babies that just wanted to be with me. Instead we spent the last 30 minutes before bedtime enjoying every minute of each other as we took turn scratching backs and brushing each others hair.

What a great day!

Blogland

What an amazing place this blogland is. I was over checking on the CF Husband yesterday and went to check on another family he had linked for prayers. This family has gone through so much. They had a little boy born with Trisomy 18 back in January who did not survive and are now pregnant with a little girl. She is, I believe, about 26 weeks along and is in the hospital because she has started going into premature labor. To read her blog is amazing. She is such a strong women of faith. When I went to go check on her, I noticed I could not get to her blog. CF Husband said they she had been hacked so as I read the comments under his post I saw a post by one of this gals friends. I thought, hey, she might have an update and clicked on her name. Five minutes and many tears later I was so thankful I clicked on her name.

You see, the amazing thing is her story is completely different than mine. Yet her pain, I get. Her words went straight to my heart as she talked about trusting God. Simply trusting God. As I read her words I was struck by a number of things. One, how God's truth is just that, God's truth. It doesn't matter the situation, the pain, the joy, it's all God's truth. Not someone's opinion. Not someone's advice. We all know where we need to go when we are hurting. We know this and yet, sometimes it's hard to go there. However, when we do get there, we will all find the same thing. God's never changing words of truth. Thankfully, in this world, in this day, we have people willing to put their lives out their. Willing to share their experiences. Willing to let others into their lives and, I believe, this makes for a less lonely world. I know for me, when I see words written across the screen, in a book or even said out loud, I'm so comforted to know that someone else knows how I feel.

I don't know this women and I hope I didn't cross the lines of blogging rules, but I posted on her site anyway. Thanking her for her words. Again, may be crossing the lines, but here I go, This quote sums it up, "You see, I do not place my trust in the outcome. I don't trust that He'll bring me great things in this life or that all my babies will be healthy. I don't trust that He'll always, or even often, do things my way. I trust Him to do what is best... ALL the time. He can see what I cannot. Trying to understand Him based on what I see is like trying to explain the ocean based on a single drop of salt water. I trust Him. Not His gifts. Not the pain. Not the happiness. Not the normalcy. Not the comfort. Certainly not the health. Just Him. His heart. His Word. His promises. Him. Because He and He alone will be the same yesterday, today, and forever" Emily at Really Living.

At the beginning of her post she sited Hebrews 13:8
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever"

Yes, He is.

So, as we go through this life, clinging to God's promises. Cherishing the joy and growing through the pain. We know that we are not going it alone. First and foremost we have God. Second, we have all these amazing people in this world surrounding us. When Cory was sick, I realized, that God did not put us on this earth to take care of ourselves. We are not on our own private island. We are not alone. He put us on this amazing earth with friends, family and strangers. All who can touch our lives. All who can help us through our pain, celebrate our joys and share in our laughter. I love that God created us for each other. It's like having 5 kids. I'm sure it's frustrating for Him to watch us at times as we bicker and fight. But, there's nothing like watching our kids be there for each other. Whether it's wiping a tear or belly laughing in the back seat. Nothing brings me more joy.

Thank you God for your people. Thank you for loving us so much that you placed other people in our lives to walk with us. Thank you that we are not on our own island. Thank you for giving us the bible and your truth to cling to when life doesn't seem to make sense. Thank you.

Because We Can

We did our annual Walk to Defeat ALS walk yesterday. This is a day I love and look forward to. It ranks up there with watching the fireworks on the 4th of July and Christmas. It is something we do as an entire family and I love it. We aren't the biggest fund raisers. In fact, the only money we raise is the money we pay. But, it's not so much about the fund raising for us. It's about remembering Cory's Mom, his Grandpa and his Aunt. It's about our children and letting them know who these amazing people were. I never got to meet Cory's Grandpa, but I hear he was a great man. Cory's Aunt was so kind hearted. She loved her nieces and nephews so very much. And Cory's Mom, she was amazing. She was an incredible mom, wife and friend to so many. She would have been such a great Nana. I love this walk because even though the kids start whining a quarter of the way through, we're doing it as a family. I love watching the other families walking and wonder what their story is. Before the walk, we were sitting next to another family. I noticed that the sticker on their back said "I'm walking for Daddy". There were 4 kids in this family. One in a stroller that looked to be about 2 1/2 and the oldest was probably in middle school. Dad looked to be in his late 30's and was already having a hard time walking. I saw the Mom's sticker... "I'm walking for my husband" It really hit home. These diseases can strike anyone at any time. I just wanted to hug her. I know, I know, me and my hugging.

Then there was another group. All wearing red shirts. I'm not great with numbers, but there looked to be at least 50 of them. They were all walking for Toby. From what I understand Toby is a deputy who was diagnosed with ALS in July. He has 2 young children. I was walking behind Toby at one point. He was flanked on either side by either friends or family. His hands were on their shoulders. He was working hard to walk the 5 laps around Esther Short Park. He was walking because he still can. As he crossed the finish line, all who were there clapped for him. It was pretty amazing. ALS is a disease that atrophies your muscles. So, for those with ALS, they eventually lose the ability to walk. So, I loved that on the shirts and stickers it says, "I'm walking for .... Because I can!" Because truly, WE CAN!

After the walk we had lunch at Burgerville. This is also one of my favorite things about the walk. We always end up getting to eat out after the walk and our family loves Burgerville. When we pulled into the parking lot, our kids were ecstatic. I think I even heard a "you rock!" from the backseat. What a great way to end the day... So glad that we "rock"!

In the Spirit of Confessions

I've had some friends make some confessions lately... Shannon was the 1st to confess here http://eightcrazy.blogspot.com/2008/09/oki-confess.html , and then Trish confessed here http://skippy-n-scoop.blogspot.com/2008/09/confession-and-true-story.html And while I can say that I can identify with Shannon's... I did tune in for 5 minutes. I related much more to Eryn's comment in that sleep was much more important. As for Trish, I'm just thankful that there really isn't a band aid usage fee. As for my confession... I'm terrible on follow through.

I love my kids with all my heart but for some reason, I'm not so good at following through. What's sad is that instead of yes or no answers, I now say maybe. That way I'm not letting them down as much. You see, our days get so crazy. We run out of time. The good intentions of going for a walk after dinner go out the door with my energy that is sucked out of me during the day. Long baths promised turn into lightening quick sprints. I seem to have a terrible grasp of time. But yesterday, I followed through.

Jackson, my sweet Jackson. He always seems to want exactly the opposite of what he's given. If I make his bed one way, he wants it the other way. Meaning he wants his head at the opposite end of the bed. This may not be a problem for some, but for me, this is a pain. His bed is the top bunk. With a rail across the entire length of the bed. It is not easy to make. Not at all. I pretty much work up a sweat just getting everything made right. Sheets tucked. Comforter tucked. Everything perfect. Just like he likes it. And then he changes it up. So, it's been awhile since he's actually slept under his covers. He's been asking for the last 4 days for me to change it. "Can you do it tomorrow Mom?" "Maybe, we'll see" Finally, I gave in, "yes, honey, I'll do it tomorrow" Unfortunately, yesterday, I wasn't feeling so well. Fixing his bed was the last thing I wanted to do. But, I rolled myself off the couch and made my way up to his room. Taking naps on Caden's bed as I tucked everything in. But, I got it done.

About a half hour later as I lay on the couch again, Jackson was upstairs getting something. I then hear the best thing. "THANK YOU MOM!!!" There was so much enthusiasm in his voice. It might as well have been Christmas. And in that moment, I was so thankful that I followed through.

Just Curious

What do you think this means if this is what we wake up to in the morning? We are still in denial that they are ours, but these sweet things sure are working hard to make us fall for them. They are now currently all curled up in one of our chairs... The great thing about having them around? My kids no longer want to watch TV and play video games all the time. They just want to play outside. I love that! Just imagine if we had a farm...

HALLELUJAH

I was driving in the car yesterday with Jackson, Ella and Brenton and was listening to their conversation. "That's MY favorite song!" "NO, that's MY favorite song!" "MOM, can't it be both of our favorites??" "Yes, honey it can" The words to the song? "Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, I am washed by the water" My kids love to sing along to the music in our car. Number 1, I'm so thankful it's not Veggie Tales! Number 2, I'm so thankful that Christian music is what plays in our car. I know that as an adult, I cling to those songs sometimes. They comfort me when the words play and someone is singing a song that sounds like it was written just for me. I know that someone else knows what I'm feeling. I am not alone.

I have songs associated with each of my children for one reason or another... When I was pregnant with Caden there was a song that said, "I smile when I think about the way you turned my life around. I smile when I think about the happiness in you I found. I'm so amazed at what your love has done. When I think the best is yet to come... I smile." I would rub my tummy, knowing that our lives would never be the same once he arrived. Knowing that the best was yet to come. With Jackson, I had just found out I was pregnant. I had had a miscarriage the month before and was really afraid that I would lose this one too. I was driving home from the Dr. after getting a blood test to see if everything was okay and a song came on that said, "to hear you say that this one's mine, my heart is spoken for". Those words gave me a peace. I felt like God was saying, it's okay, this one is going to stick. Ella's song is more between her and her Daddy. It's by Steven Curtis Chapman and is called Cinderella. "So I'll dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms. Cause I know something the prince never knew. Oh I will dance with my Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song. Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone." Brenton's song is one that came on when I was in labor. Contractions were picking up and I was really starting to hurt. And then I heard the music, "everywhere I go I know you're not far away. You're right here. You're right here." God was there. He had made me so I could do this. I knew that I could get through the pain and soon Brenton would be in my arms. The point? Songs speak to us. God speaks to us through songs.

When we were driving home from Spokane a couple weeks ago we had been flipping through the stations, just thankful when music would come in that wasn't static. We found a station that was playing some old classics. All was good until the words, "pour some sugar on me". Okay, I know we all listened to that song when we were young. But seriously, do I really want my 12 year old to hear those lyrics? Do I want those words in my kids heads? Sure don't. You see, when we went camping with our church I could hear the kids riding their bikes down this rocky hill. As one went down, almost sounding like he was going a little fast for his liking, he yelled out "HALL-LE-LU-JAH!!!" Because our kids our exposed to words they should be and hopefully not too often to the ones they shouldn't they go around saying hallelujah instead of another choice phrase that could have been, "OH ....."

I'm thankful for the words that are being ingrained in their heads. I'm thankful that we are so blessed to be able to hear about God while driving down the road. That my kids can learn God's lessons and fight over who gets to like the song more. I pray that as they get older they continue to love these songs like Cory and I and that they will find the same comfort in them. And seriously, please let it be a long time before I have to explain what "pour some sugar on me" means!

Would You Rather

I was upstairs folding laundry yesterday when I heard a truck pull up out front. Then the doorbell rang. Must be a delivery... wait, it's Labor Day. There's no deliveries today. I go running downstairs and in the reflection of a mirror I see a big red firetruck. Starting to panic, I fling open the front door. Terrified that my kids have just run out in front of the firetruck. Terrified that something is wrong. Thankfully, to my surprise, there sits my kids up in the firetruck while Cory talks to the firemen. Big sigh of relief. I then race back inside to find my camera so that I can go outside and take pictures of my kids. The firemen must have thought I was half crazed out there... Sweats, no bra, greasy hair. I was quite a vision. Oh well, I'm sure they've seen worse. So, while Jackson, Ella and Brenton were all out front with their Dad, I thought, Caden's got to see this. He would love this. I race back into the house to find Caden and catch him just as he's going out to the backyard.

"Bug, there's a firetruck out front. You can go climb in it."

"I know, I already saw it. I want to be out back with the kitties"

"Seriously?"

Would you rather climb in a cool firetruck and talk to firefighters? Or would you rather pet the stray cats that seem to have adopted our neighborhood. Apparently I know what Caden would do.

These sweet cats have been around almost everyday for the last few weeks. When they first showed up we tried scaring them out of our yard just like any other cat. The difference? Instead of running away, they rubbed up against my leg. Wow. So, I took the poor thing to the front yard and told it to go home. I know, I know it's not a dog. But, what else do I do? Before I could even get in the front door, the little girl was jumping up onto the chair on our front porch. Apparently, she wasn't getting my hints. Needless to say, we now are really enjoying these little guys. There are 5 of them. My guess is that they are no ones. That they have been dumped. If I look out my back window, I can see them in any of 4 yards. They seem to get their loving where they can and from what I can hear, we all seem to be enjoying it. My kids have affectionately named them Zorro Jumbo, Parker, Girly, Slicer and unfortunately 2 remain nameless. They are the sweetest cats and if we were to sell our house today and be on our way to our dream farm I would take them in a heartbeat. But, since that's not happening, we'll continue to love on them in our backyard

One last thing about the cats. Kelli, you're going to love this. We glanced outside yesterday as 3 of the babies were laying in the chair. Two of them looked really happy, needing their paws, eyes closed. Happy. The other one looked calm as well. At first we thought the other 2 were cleaning good old Zorro Jumbo. I then realized that they were trying to nurse. Funny thing... Zorro Jumbo is very clearly a boy. There will be no milk coming out of him anytime soon. However, I guess as one of my favorite movies claims, "you can milk anything with..." Fun times.

Here's another one... Would you rather be home with only 3 of your kids. In your jammies at 5:30. Eating cereal for dinner. Watching a girl movie after putting 3 kids to bed. Or would you rather have all 5 kids and your husband home. Eating yummy enchiladas, salad and fresh cucumbers from the garden for dinner. Rushing to get the kids in bed by 8:00 so they can get plenty of sleep for school the next day? Both are enjoyed and cereal for dinner is great but I'll take my crazy full house any day. There's just a lot more laughter in a full house.

Cory and Caden went up to the Coug game this weekend with great friends. They had such a fun time and Caden really enjoyed his first time watching the Cougs. Cole was over in Spokane with his mom visiting Nana, Papa and Uncle Chris and Aunt Kristin. They all had a great time away, but we sure missed them! I'm so thankful to have them all home again.