Just in Case You've Ever Wondered

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like to...

Hear your baby crying 15 minutes before you're heading to bed.

Find out it wasn't your baby. It was your 5 year old.

Who had just thrown up.

Who did not make it off the top bunk before doing so...

Who threw up ALL over the side of the bed, the wall, his brother's bed below and on down to the floor under the bed.

Just in case you've ever what it's like to...

Wipe down a wall of vomit while carefully crawling over and trying not to wake your sleeping 7 year old.

Carry blankets and stuffed animals to the laundry room that are covered in vomit.

Stuff said items into the washing machine even though you don't plan on washing them until morning because you cannot handle the smell.

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like to...

Hear your sweet 2 year old say, "Jack Jack throw up".

While laying sweetly on his bed.

With no threats to get up and possibly step in vomit.

To be thankful for said sweet boys voice while wondering, "what the world??"

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like to...

Hear your baby start crying just after you've layed your head on your pillow. Yes, your baby.

Walk into your boy's room and find that your baby has just thrown up all over HIS sheets, blankets, stuffed animals and floor.

Clean up vomit once again.

Start the washing machine because you're worried that you're going to run out of blankets by the time the night is over.

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like to...

Have to call your husband into the room because you have TWO boys vomiting at the same time and your arms are simply not long enough to rub both their backs at the same time.

Have to wash out TWO puke buckets.

Have to do TWO loads of laundry.

Finish laundry around 1:00 am.

Get woke up 20 minutes later to more vomiting.

Have your 5 year old vomit 4 times in one night and your 2 year old vomit 5.

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like to...

Get woke up by your 7 year old at 6:15 am.

Hear that your baby is crying for you.

Hear that your 7 year old is worried that his brother is going to throw up again.

To be thankful that your 2 year old only wants milk and is not, in fact, throwing up. Again.

To go downstairs, try to snuggle your sick boy, and explain to your 2 year old why he can't have milk and yogurt. Again and again.

Just in case you've ever wondered...

Just what in the world you are going to do.

If your boys are going to be well enough to travel to go see their grandparents.

If you're going to be able to see your brother who just had major surgery.

If you're going to be able to get ALL the things done that are on your list so that you can leave with 2 sick kids.

Just in case you've ever wondered what it's like...

To be thankful that only 2 are throwing up right now. Not 5.

To be thankful that you have such an amazing husband that got up EVERY time you did

To be thankful for teamwork because it makes it so much better.

To be thankful for that morning cup of coffee.

Just in case you've ever wondered...

Let me know. I know someone you could talk to. Just in case you've ever wondered!

Thanks and Giving

With Thanksgiving coming up, I can't help but think of all the things I am thankful for...

Miracles...

Chris. He is 100% cancer free. Only happens about 25% of the time. Only God.

Jonas. Born beautiful. Born healthy. A blessing to us all. Only God.

Blessings...

My husband

My 5 amazing children

My parents being in Spokane during my brother's storm

Amazing friends that might as well be family

Amazing family that are also friends

My husband having a job

Food on the table

A roof over my head

A nice, warm bed

God carrying me more times than I can count

God's whispers

God's hugs

There are so many more. Too many to list. God has been so good. God has been so faithful. Even if life weren't as calm right now, I know that I would be praising Him. I know that He would still be the same. His hugs. His whispers. Him carrying me. It would all still be there. My faith would still be there.

Cory and I were talking the other night. So thankful for where God has us right now. So thankful that he has a job. At the same time, praying for our friends. Friends who are struggling to make ends meet. Friends who are asking God to guide them. Friends who are waiting for answers. Friends who are unsure how long their houses will be their homes. Thankfully, that is not our path right now. Not that we are sitting pretty. Not that we have money coming out you know where. For now, however, we are okay.

Cory pointed out the best thing. Just because we are okay doesn't mean we can spend freely. What it does mean is that we can continue to tighten our belts. Pinch our pennies. And use the money God has blessed us with to help others. It may not be much. It may be a gift card for groceries. A meal. A Christmas box from church. It may not be much but God knows exactly what they need.

Two years ago we were humbled. Two years ago we got a call that the church had a food box for us. Two years ago, I told them that there must be someone who needed it more. Two years ago I told God that I would not turn down help. Two years ago I ran into our pastor at Target. He gave me a gift card and our food box. Two years ago I was on my way to the store. Stressing about my list. How on earth would we be able to afford this? Two years ago, I looked into the food box that we had just received and over half the items on my list were in that box. God knew. He knew what we needed. Those items were not haphazardly chosen. God knew. It was not insignificant. It was huge.

As we head into Thanksgiving and Christmas, my prayer is that we would all dig deeper. Look how God has blessed us. Ask where He wants us. Ask how we can help. And that we would all be obedient to where God has called us. We may think that it's nothing. That it truly can't make a difference. But, God knows. It can make a difference. He's awesome like that!

Deep Thoughts, Christmas Ideas and Other Randomness

****I've had many mention my ambition in regard to the stockings. Many have also asked, "why Tuesday?" Let me explain... We're going to see my mom on Tuesday. She's the one who has always helped me piece these things together. She has to show me what to do and I finish the rest. I don't have a sewing machine. She does. I have 3 of these to put together (2 of which are already stitched I just have to do the backs.) This last one is for Cole. He doesn't know I'm making it as he said last year he wanted to keep his old stocking. We wanted to make sure he understands how important he is to our family. This is one way I can show him... As far as ambition goes, please don't give me credit. This is my one crafty thing of the year. Truly. Not special at all. I chose to make stockings for my family because my mom made ours when I was little. I love that she did that. It has always been a special thing. A tradition I wanted to carry on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love saying deep thoughts. It takes me back to high school. It takes me back to Saturday nights at Cory's house. We had a big group of friends that would hang out over there and watch Saturday Night Live... back when it was funny. Anyone remember? Jack Handy. Loved those deep thoughts. I even bought Cory the books... 1 and 2 and possibly 3. All Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. We recently watched Saturday Night Live. Michael Phelps was the guest host and we thought it would be fun to watch. Either I'm getting really old, or it's just no longer funny. Maybe things were just funnier when I was a teen. Now, I just wonder why I'm not sleeping or using my time better... deep thoughts.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was talking to a friend recently. Both of us thrive on words of encouragement. It was interesting to hear that both of us need that encouragement in different areas. She appreciates it where her kids are concerned. To be told she's doing a great job as a Mom feeds her (which she is an amazing Mom!) I love to be told I'm doing a good job. It's nice to get reassurance sometimes, but that's not what I thrive on. And it's NOT because I think I do it perfectly either. I know I mess up. I know I love my kids. I know my kids love me. I know that I will always mess up. The beauty of it is that I get to keep trying. I get to do my best. I get to trust that God will continue to guide me and whisper in my ear. I get to choose to be obedient and in turn teach my children about God and obedience.

Where I thrive? When I'm told I'm doing a good job as a wife and friend. When Cory thanks me and appreciates me as a wife I get all warm and fuzzy. When a friend tells me that I'm a blessing. I love these things. But then, these are the areas I'm insecure too... Cory is such an amazing man and I feel that I often pale in comparison. He is the energizer bunny. He works all week. And can work all weekend on jobs around the house and he is fine. He doesn't need downtime like I do. Me? I crave the weekends. I crave being able to just sit and do nothing. I am not the energizer bunny. Not even close. As far as friends, well I shared my feelings about that here . I won't rehash... There's no need. You all know where I am with that. So, I wonder, if words of encouragement is your love language do you thrive on encouragement where you are insecure?? I wonder.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realized this morning that I truly am getting old. I stayed up way too late last night. 12:30. Not so much fun on so many levels. First of all, TV stinks at that time of the night. I was left to watch E News and other funny trash. I could have gone to OnDemand, but that would have taken too long and I was on a mission. My mission? I've mentioned it before. It's a Christmas stocking. It will look like this in the end

but currently, it looks like this

and it has to be done by Tuesday. Nice.

So, I stayed up until 12:30. I tried making a deal with my husband. Tried to get him to let me sleep in... we could make a trade. He rolled over. Six short hours later the alarm went off. Dumb alarm. I've walked around in a fog all morning. I'm pretty sure a truck came into our house and ran me over last night. I cannot wait to sleep tonight. I'm currently wiggling my nose and nodding my head trying to get a turkey, eggs, milk and fruit to show up on my doorstep so that I don't need to get my sweats on and go to the store. Oh, Stacy and Clinton would be proud. You know. The folks at What Not to Wear? My stylists.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally, for all of you that don't know what to get your loved ones, I got this great idea from my sister in law, Kristin. I thought this was THE perfect idea. You could really craft it up and makes these beyond beautiful. If you're interested in the directions, just let me know and I can email them to you. Enjoy!

Seriously

A friend of mine recently told me that seriously is my word. Apparently, I say it a lot. I do. I say it in everyday conversation with friends, family and God. Seriously.

When I think about it, I say it for many different reasons. If something good happens? Seriously is said with excitement. If something bad? Not as much excitement, more of a question... you've got to be kidding me. When I say it to God, it's usually as I'm stomping up the stairs, throwing a fit and wondering just what kind of mess I'm about to meet. Seriously speaking, it's my way of throwing a tantrum with few words. It's often followed by an "I quit". Nice.

Seriously. Can you imagine someone asking God, "seriously?" and following it up with an "I quit". What a grateful daughter of God I am. I wonder if it frustrates God. I wonder if it makes Him sad. I wonder if He laughs at how ridiculous I am. I wonder if He's just glad that I'm talking to Him. I wonder.

Truly, I would NEVER want to quit this job. Sure there are moments where it's tempting. I seriously remember the first time I wanted to quit. I was VERY pregnant with Jackson. Caden was 2. I had a great idea to stop by and visit with my Mom and have lunch with her. I made Caden what he wanted for lunch, set it down in front of him, and then something very unexpected happened. He threw a fit! I gave him what he wanted and he threw a fit. Well, hormones were raging, I was tired and wanted nothing to do with his fit. I packed him up in the car... well, I tried. As I went to put him in the car seat, he arched his back (one of my least favorite things that a child can do) and screamed louder than I had heard him scream. Ever. He continued screaming as we drove down the road. He's screaming. I'm crying. I turned the music up as loud as I could just trying to drown out his screams. I called Cory and said, "I quit. I don't like my job right now and I would just like to quit."

Obviously, this is not a job I can quit. Obviously, I would never want to quit. There are way too many reasons not to. God has blessed me far more than I deserve. He has loaned me these beautiful children. He has trusted me to raise them. I love my "job" most of the time. I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are just times that I would like to escape to Mexico... I'd even take hiding under the covers.

Unfortunately, I don't get to escape all that often, but I am able to run to God. I get to throw my fits, talk to Him, and ask Him to carry my load. Maybe He does like my fits. Seriously. It's in those moments when I NEED to cling to Him. I don't have an option... well, I do, but I don't. If I expect to make it through, it will only be done by Him. I do not have it in me. I just don't. I'm not superhuman or supermom. I NEED God to make it through.

I'm sure that at the very moment I'm stomping up the stairs that God is throwing His arms wide open. Getting ready for me to run into His arms. Getting ready for me to talk to Him. Getting ready to guide me through. Thank you God. Thank you Father. Thank you Daddy. Thank you for opening your arms wide. Thank you for putting up with my fits. Sorry that it often takes a fit for me to crawl into your lap. Thanks for loving me anyway. I love you too!! Seriously.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I got 2 bloggy awards yesterday. Crazy! My friend Shannon gave me this

She said she gave it to me because, "she is so good about taking what's going on in her life and being reflective about it in a way that encourages other people to do the same" Thanks Shannon! It means a lot to me that you walk away encouraged!

The rules for the Encouraged Blogger Award are:1. The winner may put the logo on their blog.2. Put a link to the person who sent you the award.3. Nominate 5 blogs.4. Put links to their blogs.5. Leave a message for your nominees.

So, I'm nominating...

Krista over at From One Crazy Mommy Krista and I have been friends since our freshman year in college. She is an amazing friend and a wonderful Mommy. I got to meet her 2 kiddos in October and loved every minute of it. Krista is authentic. Krista is encouraging. She is amazing. I am always guaranteed a good laugh when I talk to her and I am always guaranteed to feel encouraged. I am so thankful for her and her friendship.

Amy over at Dawdlebug Diaries Amy is like a sister to me. I cherish our friendship. Our friendship is one in which pretty much anything can be said. We don't have to agree on everything... and we don't. But, we do support each other. I can call her on the worst of days and she will give me a sympathetic ear. She will pray for me. She encourages me. She will tell me I'm doing a good job. She is a wonderful friend. She is a blessing.

Meleea over at This Mosaic Life Meleea is an amazing friend to have. She is authentic. She is prayerful. She is wise. She is... you guessed it, encouraging. She can tell when you are not okay. She knows when you need prayer or a listening ear. She too, is a blessing.

Dee over at Ashes For Beauty I first met Dee on Easter Sunday 3 1/2 years ago. We were both up in the nursing mother's room during the service. I mentioned that Ella was my miracle baby... conceived as a surprise when we didn't think it was possible. She told me Autumn was her miracle baby. Conceived after YEARS of not getting pregnant. We hit it off right away. We may not talk often, but every conversation is a blessing. She is wise. She is caring. She is encouraging...

Emily over at Really Living I've never met Emily. I found her while blog hopping one day. I love her blog because while I've never been through her experience, she writes in a way that anyone can grow. She seems to be an amazing daughter of God. Her blog is my daily devotional. I am always touched by what she has to say. I am so thankful to have stumbled across her blog!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cassandra also gave me an award yesterday. She gave me this

It means this... This blog invests and believes the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships! These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

And because this award already has such a great explanation, I'm just listing my 8. Here they are...

Audrey at BooMama

Trish at It's My Crazy Life and I Love It

Shannon at Eightcrazy

Lee Ann at One Day at A Time

Eryn at 5 by Faith

A Thorn Among Roses

Julie at Through My Eyes

Mara at Masters Moments

I'm so thankful for the friendships I have and those that are forming through blogland. As I've said before, I love that we can all be blessed by others' blogs. I continue to pray that God will continue to reign victoriously over this great form of communication.

Beauty

I was putting my sweet daughter down for her nap yesterday. She looked at me with her big brown's, gave me a funny look, and said, "Mom, why don't you look beautiful today?" Thinking I didn't hear her quite right, I asked if she had indeed said that. "Yes. Are you going to get dressed?" "I am dressed sweetie. I'm just wearing sweats." "No, but I mean are you going to get dressed???" "I AM dressed. Sweats are clothes. These aren't my jammies." She then gave me a very disappointed, "oh."

This is the girl that would wear a dress every day of her life if I would let her. She loves her dresses and she loves it even more when her Mommy wears dresses. I came downstairs on Saturday with make-up on and earrings and she got so excited. "Mama, you look beautiful!!" Now, I love it when she notices, but I'm thinking I've created a monster.

I've never thought I was beautiful. I've always felt like the big girl in the group. To say I have a low self-esteem would probably be taking it lightly. I haven't wanted to pass that on to my sweet miss. I'm very careful with what I say. I don't want her to know I feel this way. I don't want her to feel badly about herself. I make sure to tell her how beautiful she is. I know some don't do this, I just don't want her to question.

This morning I came down in my usual attire. Sweats. Yep. They are my friend these days. They keep me warm. They are cozy. Love 'em. As I came down I asked, "Ella, do I look beautiful today?" "NO." She gives me this look like, "are you kidding?" She then goes on to tell me she really wanted me to wear a dress today. Sorry babe. Laundry is calling and so is that stocking that needs to be done by next Tuesday. Dresses are just not in the cards. I then went over to her, looked her in the eye, and explained what makes someone beautiful...

Beauty is not about our clothes. Beauty is not about our hair. What makes you beautiful is your heart. Your kindness makes you beautiful. Your sweetness makes you beautiful. Clothes do not make you beautiful. While I love getting a sweet compliment from my daughter, even more, I want her to understand that it's not the outside that counts. I'm sure she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her, but I'll make sure I keep telling her. As much as I want her to know she is beautiful physically, more important is for her to know how beautiful she is on the inside.

Watching her play with her baby brother. Being tender with him. Lovingly going to someone when they are hurting. That is beautiful.

Heart Stopping

My heart was racing. My stomach fluttering. What was going to happen? How would this work out?? What were we going to do?

I was at my first ever clothing swap and oh was it fun and anxiety ridden. Yes, anxiety. Anxious because we weren't quite sure how it would all work out. It sounded so much simpler in our heads. People bring X number of items and then in turn get to shop for X number of items. Yeah. Not quite that simple. There's the question of what happens when multiple people want one item. What were we to do? We'd done our research. We saw what other people did. None seemed quite right.

It was so much fun. Not just the clothes part, but getting to hang out with a bunch of great woman. Getting to have "mommy" time. What a blessing. We all need a little break now and then and I was so thankful to get my break last night. It was refreshing. It was fun. It was a wonderful deep breath.

I also discovered that I get a little competitive. Oh yes. There were a few things I had my eye on and I must admit I was quite disappointed that I didn't get to go home with them. But, I did end up with a couple new tops that are quite sassy and fun (thanks for letting me have the green one Annette!)

I also got to be around some women that just fill me up. They are women that have the most beautiful hearts. They are wise. They are caring. They are authentic. I just want to soak in their wisdom. I am so thankful that I get to call them "friend".

God is so good. I sat looking around the room, thankful for each of those women that were there. Thankful that they wanted to come have some fun and help us raise a little money for childcare for our Mom's group. Thankful for the conversations I got to have. Thankful to get to know these women a little better.

Thank you God for these moments!

Doctor Fun

I ended up at the same day clinic yesterday at 7:52 am. I had woke up with some issues and had a 9:00 meeting so I needed to get in, get out and get moving. The kids woke up, we threw clothes on them, threw some food at them and loaded them in the car. I literally hit the ground running.

We were second in line. I was sure we would make it to my meeting. We sat and waited. They call the first person back... we're getting there! Then, Brenton poops. A poop that could not be ignored. He wreaked. Unfortunately, I had been too hopeful. I was sure we'd get in and out. I was sure I would not need to bring any diapers in. Nope. We weren't quick enough. What's a mom to do? Surely I couldn't take him back to the little room with that smell. It was making my eyes water. So, I asked the mom behind me if she could let the nurse know that we ran to the bathroom and off we went. I then did what any good mother would do. I took Brent to the bathroom, dumped the poop out of his diaper, scraped what I could off the diaper, and stuck it back on. Yep. I sure did. Poor kid. As I pulled up his pants, he looked at we with the most concerned look on his face and said, "poopy" as he touched his little bum. Sorry buddy. Mommy's in a hurry.

We get back to the waiting room and the other mom isn't there. I missed my turn! We're now 3rd in line. The nurse calls my name, checks me in, asks me some questions, checks my heart rate and blood pressure and sends me to the bathroom. There's a fun one. I've got to pee in a cup and did I mention I've got 3 of my kids with me? Yes, 3. A 5, 3 and 2 year old. Fun. They're all wondering just what I'm doing. Why do I need to pee in the little cup? What am I going to do with it? Is the nurse going to touch it? Good times.

We get back to the room and wait. And wait. I wish I could say that my sweet children just sat with me on the bench and waited quietly and patiently. I would be lying if I said that. The Dr's office is way too fun for that. There's water to drink out of fun paper cups. There's hopscotch on the floor (they use the tiles). There's rolling chairs. Exam tables to sit on. Literature on heart disease to read. Fun. Fun. Fun. The opportunities are endless.

The Dr. comes in sits down. Asks me why I'm there. Then goes over my stats... "Well, your heart rate is elevated..." You think? I arrived at 7:52, I've got a 9:00, it's now 8:40. I've been busy dumping poop, chasing kids and I'm at the Dr. All things that make my heart race. Thankfully, he saved himself. "However, you are here with 3 kids and that would make any one's heart race." Oh, thank you for not being a jerk. Thank you for understanding my pain. He must have kids.

Wow

First and foremost... Someone gave me an award!! My new blogging friend, Cassandra, said the nicest things about me. Made me feel all loved. Even put a little tear in my eye. Thanks Cassandra!! I first found Cassandra over at MckMama's blog. MckMama does her not me Monday's and I saw the title for Cassandra's blog and had to check her out. Her title? Mama Needs A Time Out. Oh, how I could relate to her blog title alone! She's got great "not me's" and we've apparently both been blessed by my click to her blog... I love it when it works out like that!

I'm not so sure I'm creative and I don't really know the "rules" on this, but hey, she didn't either. She passed it on to three so, I'll do the same.

I'm starting with Rebecca. She and I have been friends since kindergarten. When my family moved from Southern California, she and I continued to keep in touch by writing letters. We were too young for the phone at that point and we never really graduated to the phone. We wrote letters back and forth for years... through boyfriends and break-ups. Graduations and weddings. Even into having babies. I don't remember the last time we wrote an actual letter as we're both busy moms now, but we still keep in touch. She is a great friend. A friend I don't see or talk to often, but we pick right back up where we left off. I love her! She's got a great blog about her family and for my wonderful friends that love to take pictures, she's a great photographer too!

Then there's Trish. Oh how she makes me laugh and warms my heart. There's just something about her. I love her writing. I love her! She's a great friend. I found out a secret about her a few months ago though. A secret that rocked my world. As I've mentioned before, I love to hug. After church one Sunday I walked up to Trish and gave her a big hug. She's a great hugger. You know how some people's hugs make everything better? That's what hers are to me. She feels safe. Guess what I found out after that hug? She's not a hugger!!! I'd been hugging her for months and I had no idea. Not even a hint. Another friend that was standing there said something about her hugging. I was shocked! Thankfully, she still hugs me. Thankfully, I think I'm pulling her over to the world of hugging. I'm so thankful for Trish!

Finally, because she's one of the most creative people I know and a wonderful friend too, there's Eryn. She is amazing!! She has been working her fanny off. Making beautiful treasures to sell for funds for the adoption of a baby girl from Ethiopia. Her treasures are beautiful and so is she. She is an amazing friend. She is gracious. She is loving. She is authentic. She is encouraging. She's who I want to be when I grow up. She's a blessing to all who know her!

Now, my friends who I've passed this award along to, please don't feel like you need to pass it on. I won't put that pressure on you...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moving along. I realized last night that I seem to complain about my craziness (not mental, of course. The kid kind. Although the mental could be there!) I started to think that people might get the wrong idea about me. They might just think I don't like my kids. I mean, really, does every one's kids drive them nuts like mine do, or am I alone in this? So, to show that I really and truly do love my children and my husband I'm doing a little tribute. Both to remind myself and to tell the world...

First, my husband. Oh how I love my husband. Cory is the perfect man for me. He loves me for me. He could care less if he comes home to me, day after day, with greasy hair, dirty sweatpants and a greasy face to boot. He doesn't care. He thinks I'm beautiful. He is a great Dad. He loves playing with his kids. He has a great sense of humor and can make me laugh even when I'm angry (don't tell him though!) I love him. I love that God created us for each other. God is so good!

Cole. Oh how I love this boy. He has been such a blessing to our family. I cannot believe it's been over a year now. He has such a great heart and to watch him play with the kids warms my heart. He and Brenton are the cutest to watch. B lights up when Cole walks into the room. Cole will tolerate just about anything that Brenton throws his way. He gives great hugs... when he wants to. He warms my heart.

Caden. My bug. My firstborn. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He loves his snuggles, even at 7. He has always been Daddy's boy, but I can tell, he's mine too. He just doesn't want to make his Daddy feel bad! He's thoughtful, sensitive, loving. He's 7 and getting to be a big boy. It's been fun to watch him grow from baby to boy. There are days I don't even recognize him. He says things that don't sound like him (good and bad). He's your typical firstborn. He obeys. He's cautious. He's my sweet sweet boy. He wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes tight as we pray before bed. He holds me close and I love that he still needs me. I know that in a few years it will probably be different. For now, I cherish my moments with him.



Jackson. My little spitfire. My sunshine. My charmer. He is the boy that can make you smile at any moment. He is funny. He is persistent. He is full of love and passion. He is the complete opposite of his brother. When he was a baby, we were at Costco. He was sitting in the cart smiling at everyone. Caden kept covering Jackson's eyes. I asked him why he kept doing that... "so he doesn't have to look at all the people." "Well, what if he wants to look at all the people?" "But, I don't like to look at the people Mama." Jackson has always had a ready smile. He's rarely serious. He gives the best hugs and squeezes with all his might. Oh, how I love my Jack Jack!

Ella. My princess. My blessing. My unanswered prayer. We were not trying to get pregnant. I didn't even know if I could handle another. Jackson was only 9 months old. I knew the very moment she was conceived. I prayed for 10 days that God would keep me from getting pregnant. I told God I could not handle it. I told God to please not let me get pregnant. God knew better. He knew we needed her. He knew how she would bless our lives. He knew. She is my daughter and my friend. She loves to play with me. I smashed my fingers the other night and went and sat on the couch. She came over, crawled up next to me and started rubbing my arm. She was comforting me without a word. No questions. Just loving me. She is kind hearted. She is loving. I watch her and am so thankful. Thankful that God knew better, thankful for her sweet heart, thankful that I must be doing something right to have her be so loving. I love to watch her and her Daddy. She loves him so. Whenever she hears the song "Cinderella" she goes running to her Daddy for a dance. It's beautiful.



Brenton. Mr. B. My baby. My miracle. He is so much like Jackson. Full of sunshine. Smile ready. Full of laughter. His sense of humor amazes me. He is only 2 and yet he knows how to work us. He is hilarious. He is opinionated (he has to be!) He is a snuggler. He is both Mommy's boy and Daddy's boy (can you tell we fight over that in our house?) He is obsessed with Bob the Builder these days and even started calling Bob by his first name. No Mr. Builder's here... just Bob. I am so thankful for him. He is the only one of our children that actually came when we thought the timing would be perfect. Both the boys were conceived with fertility meds. Ella surprised us. Brenton came just when we asked for him to come. Funny, it took us that long to get in alignment with God!

God has been so faithful. He has blessed me with an amazing family. They may drive me nuts at times but oh, what a blessing they are! I promise. So, for all the times I've said they drive me nuts, here are their wonderful qualities. Their blessings. Thank you Lord. Thank you for loving me and knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for your faithfulness.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them..." Psalm 127:3-5

Exhausted Ramblings

I don't know if my brother's surgery took it all out of me. Maybe it's the fact that I have 5 kids. Perhaps, it has to do with leading a homegroup, helping in Sunday school and helping lead Mom's group. Maybe it has do to with the fact that I've been itching since April... with no explanation. Whatever it is, I'm exhausted. Deflated. Tired to my very core. My legs and arms feel like they have bricks attached. My eyes are looking through the fog. I would like to curl up, go to sleep and not wake up for days.

I'm so thankful that my brother's surgery went so well. I truly did not feel stressed on Monday. However, my body told me something different. At the beginning of the day, my upper back was a little tender. As the day progressed, the ache moved down my back. Before I knew it, my whole back was sore. Not bone sore. Muscle sore. Apparently, I was a little tense. Cory has been so sweet. He gave me a nice back rub and it's starting to feel a little better. But man, I've never had that happen.

I didn't eat dinner with my family last night. Or the night before. I'm tired of food. I've been itching since April. I've been to the Dr. Twice. I've been to the dermatologist. Three times. I've been treated for roundworm, scabies, staph, and given steroid cream in case it was caused by a virus. Nothing has made it go away. I've had blood taken and everything has come back normal. Sorry. I can't imagine it's normal to itch for 7 months. 2 1/2 weeks ago I decided to try something different. I changed my diet. I'm currently eating the way Cory ate when he was sick. All natural. My thought is that maybe if I cut out processed foods, grains and refined sugar, that my body might start functioning better. Maybe I can stop itching. So, I've been living on fruits, vegetables, meat and raw almonds. All things that are great. All things that I'm sick of. Food has lost it's lustre (I guess this is probably a good thing for me!) My itching hasn't gone away, but it's gotten significantly better. On Friday night, an interesting thing happened. We went on a date and had dinner at a new pizza place in town. I decided to see what would happen if I ate "normal". I had a lemon drop to drink and yummy pizza. About a half hour after we got home, I starting itching. Bad. I broke out with my rashes. Crazy. Apparently, I must now be allergic to something. Maybe wheat? Not sure, but I guess I'll figure it out by process of elimination. Until then, I get to eat the same thing (because I have no imagination) day in and day out (and because I'm too tired to fix my family's dinner and a separate one for myself... don't even start with saying that I should just make us all the same thing... remember? I'm tired. My kids are already driving me nuts. I do NOT want to listen to all the whining that would ensue from them having to eat so many vegetables and meat. Not going there.)

A great friend of mine has been out of town and I got to watch her kids yesterday... all 3 of them. They are great kids. I love them! My kids have so much fun playing with them and their 2nd son gets a sweet twinkle in his eye whenever he sees my Ella. Brenton loves playing with their youngest and when he woke up from his nap his 1st words were, "I want Tyler!" They really did play well, but I was left wondering how John and Kate do it?? 8 kids? Yowser. It takes a lot of energy. Fun energy. But energy none the less.

We did have a nice night though. The phone rang a little after 7. It was a kid that Cole played baseball with. Once he got off the phone, I asked what he called for... He was calling for HELP on his HOMEWORK!!! He was calling my boy. My sweet boy who struggled through school last year. My sweet boy who, lets face it, cried right along with me in frustration last year as we worked through his math. My sweet boy. The same boy who has basically now been called a math genius. Who has been encouraged to try out for the school knowledge bowl. The same boy who is now being told not to answer questions during class because the rest of the class needs to figure it out. My boy!!! Oh, he looked so proud. He is excelling. He's never excelled. I'm so stinkin' proud of him. God is good. I am so thankful that he is a part of our family.

I also got some sweet snuggles last night. I sat down to work on a Christmas stocking and Caden came, crawled up on my lap, and reminded me that I had told him I'd help him with his word finder puzzle. We sat, looked for words, and just enjoyed each other. As much as I needed to work on that stocking, I needed that time with my boy more. When I was putting him to bed he thanked me for sitting with him. He had fun. So did I. Those are the moments I pray he'll remember. I pray that he'll have more memories of Mommy's snuggles and not so many of Mommy losing it.

I went in to kiss the kids last night. Truly, they've been driving me a little nuts. As I looked at their sweet sleeping faces, I just wanted to crawl right in bed with them. They are perfect when they sleep. Angelic. I just want to snuggle and pray over them. I love this time. I'm so thankful for this time. Thankful that God lets me see that every night before I go to bed. That way, when all 5 of them are up at 6:30 am, screaming at me that they are hungry, I can cling to that sweet moment in the day when they are perfect. I crawled into bed last night. Told Cory how perfect our children look when they are sleeping. His response? "I'm sure God thinks that same thing about us. Look how perfect we are when we sleep!" Thanks babe!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

1:00

******8:12 pm - The surgery is over. The Dr. said everything went as planned. My brother is doing great and he won't even have to spend the night in ICU. Praise the Lord!!! I'm so very thankful that God watched over him today. Thank you so much for your prayers!******

******7:12 pm - Mom called. Surgery is going good. They've taken all the bad stuff out and are working on putting Humpty back together again. The Dr. said that everything is going as planned and that there was no sign of cancer in the margins of the cuts. Thanks so much for all your prayers. They mean so much!******

******3:08 pm - Just talked with my mom. Surgery got started about 10 minutes ago.******



I just got off the phone with my brother and sister in law. I just had to talk to them. My brother goes in for surgery tomorrow at 1:00. The doctors will be removing half of his esophagus and half of his stomach. He will have quite an extensive scar. I'm sitting here with tears.

I hate surgery. I just do. It scares me. When I kissed Cory goodbye as he went into surgery, I kissed him like it was the last time. I smelled his face. I kissed his hands. I smelled his hands. I wanted to be able to remember every bit of him if something happened. I was terrified.

When I went into surgery to have my tubes tied, I kissed my sweet newborn and smelled his head. I took him all in. I was terrified.

When we got to the hospital the day of Traci's emergency surgery, I hated that we didn't get to kiss her and hug her before she went in. We got there too late...

My brother goes in tomorrow and I don't get to be there. I wish I could be there. I want to hug him and kiss him. I just had to hear his voice tonight.

He's doing well. He says he's probably better than everyone else. He's confident that it will be okay. I'm sure it will. I just hate surgery.

I've probably seen way too many T.V. shows where something goes wrong. That's where my head goes. The doctors can be confident. It can be a routine surgery... or not. But, you just never know. The doctors are not in control. God is. I know that He has a plan. I don't get to know what that plan is. It's unknown and when it comes to surgery I get scared.

I know that fear is not of the Lord. I am trying to just rest in His arms tonight. I'm so very thankful to be blessed with such an amazing brother. I'm so thankful for where the Lord has brought him. He is in a storm but God has shown that He has been there every step of the way. He has been faithful.

I've got my day all planned out tomorrow. At 1:00, I'll be plopping myself down in my favorite chair. Just me and God. I'll be praying my guts out. Praying for my brother. Praying for the doctors. Praying for strength and peace for my mom. Praying for endurance, strength, peace, and comfort for my sweet sister in law. Praying that God would just stoop down tomorrow, pick us up with His amazing arms and carry us all through the day. I'll be still. I'll wait. Knowing that God is in control and that He will always carry us through.

Give Me Your Eyes

Look down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breathe in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, he's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

I've been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well, I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way You've seen the people all along

I love this song by Brandon Heath. I love the words. I love singing along. What a great message. I would love to have God's eyes

Conversations in the car: (might need to make this a regular thing)

Jackson: Mom. But people can't take their eyes out, right? They can't give them to someone cause they can't figure out how to take their eyes out, right?

Me: No, honey, people can't take their eyeballs out. The song isn't talking about asking someone to give you their eyeballs. The song is talking about asking God to give you His eyes. That you could see other people's needs. You would be able to look past the outside and see that they need help. They need a hug. They need support. They need prayer. No, you don't have to ask someone for their eyes. Just God.

This conversation makes me laugh. We have listened to this song so many times in the car. I'm imagining it now, from Jackson's head, imagining what he must be thinking as someone asks to have someone else's eyeballs... Oh the mind of a 5 year old!

God Said So

I wish I would have asked God for a sign this morning. I should have asked him if it was worth it to even attempt to pick up my house. I should have asked him what was more important... paying attention to my perfect 2 year old or making beds, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, etc. If I would have asked, I would have been answered with this...
Or perhaps, the answer might have come in the form of something else entirely...

After hiding away in my laundry room and folding the long neglected towels I came downstairs to find Brenton shoving handfuls of mini-marshmallows in his mouth. Nice. Apparently his lunch of hot dog and pears was not good enough for him. Really nice.

Or maybe I could have had a sign when I walked into the kids bathroom to see Brenton's face covered in toothpaste. His hands were a brilliant white and his tummy and legs were looking pasty as well. Really. Not kidding.

Amazingly, I'm sure by the grace of God, I have not lost it today. I'm actually smiling at the fact that my child is a crazy handful. He is mischievous. He is curious. He is a dumper. Maybe he'll be a scientist someday. The benefit in all of it? My kids are getting really good at cleaning up his messes. If they argue that they didn't make the mess so they shouldn't have to clean it up, I come back with, "that's fine. I don't get your clothes dirty or make your bathroom all dirty either. I can go ahead and not clean those up." Aren't I compassionate?

So, as I waste another day on trying to get my house in order, I'll leave with a glance at this great picture. The kids were giving each other back rubs and back scratches this morning. What perfect kids I have.

I'll also just sit here and wish I would have asked for a sign. If I had I would have such a great excuse to give to my sweet, wonderful and God fearing husband. Sorry honey, God said so.

Warning - Personal Convictions Ahead

I am: Loved. Growing. A sinner. Forgiven by God. Stretching. Convicted. Searching. Seeking.

I am not: Gracious.

The most fantastic thing has been happening over the last 2 years. As I posted before, I have grown. I have been stretched. I have gotten to a place with God that I could not have imagined. I feel a closeness with him that I cherish and I love my "coffee talk" with God.

As I've grown closer, my line, as a friend would call it, has shifted. What was once okay, is no longer. I used to love several TV shows. I had no problem with them. I wasn't living my life that way, after all. I'm an adult. The shows weren't affecting me. It was fine. Movies? Same thing. Not that I've ever been one to watch super questionable stuff, but still. However, over time, I've heard God telling me to steer clear. Don't go there. Don't fill my head with things that are not of Him.

I've been convicted about my body. I used to hate my body. I would look at the mirror, curse what I saw, and pray that we would have the money someday to correct what carrying, birthing and nursing children has done to my body. Thankfully, God changed my eyes. I woke up one morning and instead of awful, I saw God's creation. He made me. He does not mess up. I have been blessed with a healthy body. My body is a treasure. I also felt like God was saying, "what are you teaching your daughter?" How will she feel after having her babies? Her body will most likely look like mine. Do I really want to make her feel like she is flawed because I have chosen to fix myself? Nope. I'd rather let her see that we are normal. People with bodies that like to show "scars" from the miracle of babies. I'm not saying I don't struggle with weight I pack on, but, as a whole, I'm okay with what God has blessed me with. To keep it healthy is my job.

I've been convicted about drinking coffee. We were going through a series about finances at church. We were looking at how we spend our money... which is really not ours at all. It is God's. Are we being good stewards? Are we spending wisely? I went to go by creamer one day. The price? $3.73 for a bottle of creamer!! Seriously. There was no way I could spend that much on creamer. Not when I have previously been able to buy it for $1.98. No way. I felt like God put it on my heart to stop. Stop spending the money. It could be used elsewhere. So, I drove home from the store. Feeling like I had lost my best friend. For 6 weeks I did not drink coffee. It was, perhaps, the worst 6 weeks of my families lives. I was crabby. Forgetful. Foggy. Crabby. Oh, and crabby. After praying about it, I figured out, it wasn't about the coffee. It was about the spending. Where did I need to cut back. I calculated how much I spend in a year on creamer and decided that coffee was more important that getting my hair done. I desired coffee more than nice make-up. So, I chose to scale back in other areas.

I've been convicted about being authentic. Obviously. I can easily say that I was not a person who would lay it all out there for the world to see. I was always "fine". My children were perfect. We didn't have problems. We were put together. Appearance meant a lot to me. I know that this does not make God smile. He is not okay with that. Putting on a false front is just another way to make people feel like they are less. Why go there?

I've been convicted about being a mom. I realized that I was placing way too much priority on keeping the house clean. I was always saying, "just a second. Let me just finish _____" I realized my children were not my priority. I was not finding joy in my children. I've been letting go... just ask my husband!

Here's the kicker... I'm a very black and white person. I am not gracious. When I get convicted it's hard for me to not want to tell everyone. I seriously feel that everyone should feel the way I do. I know this is absolutely ridiculous. I know. Tell that to my black and white head. I have a hard time realizing that just because I am where I am does not mean that everyone is here. My convictions are not my friends convictions. God does not speak to us in the same ways. I struggle because my head goes places I DO NOT like.

I have friends that are amazingly gracious... in all they do. They are gracious with their time. They are gracious with their homes. They do not judge. I wish I had been made like them. I was praying last night. Praying that God would make me more gracious. Then, I took it back. I don't want that. You know what THAT means? THAT means that I would be put in situation after situation where I would HAVE to be gracious. That God would go ahead and let me practice... it's the same way when praying for peace. God goes ahead and gives it to you by allowing you to practice again and again. So, I just asked that I could wake up being gracious. Silly. I know. I thought I'd try.

I'm learning that just like it's usually not an easy path that brings you closer to God, it's also not easy for me knowing just what to do with my convictions. They make so much sense in my head... my "wonderfully made", black and white head. So, for those that I've pushed my convictions on, I'm sorry. I'm learning.

Lord, I'm sorry for not being more like you. I'm sorry for not being more gracious. I'm sorry for judging. I'm sorry for going there. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

2 years

I often find myself referring to two years ago. Cory was sick. We had just had Brenton. Life was beyond crazy. Beyond difficult. Life was like I had never known it. I was thinking about it last night. Wondering if it annoys people that I bring it up so much. Wondering why it is always something that I talk about. I realized I talk about it so much because it was such a defining moment in my life.

Cory being sick changed me. It changed who I was. It changed how I loved. It changed how I thought. It changed how I thought to bless others. It changed how I looked at my husband. It changed how I looked at my God. It changed my relationship with Him.

When Cory was sick I was forced to cling to God like I had never before. I was backed into a corner. The only way out was to take God's hand. Four days before Cory went into the hospital, I remember going to bed. Unable to sleep, I decided to run to God's word. Hoping to get some comfort. I opened my Bible and in my sheer exhaustion I was unable to hold my eyes open enough to see the words. I closed my Bible and began to pray. I told God I had no idea what to pray for. Where do I start? What do I do? Where are we to go from here? With my eyes closed, I could feel the burden. My shoulders were heavy. I'd been trying to do it all on my own. I accepted help from no one. We were "fine". With my eyes closed, I saw a light. I saw myself walking in a snowstorm. My head against the fierce wind. My eyes down. My shoulders burdened with a heavy load. I saw Jesus ahead of me. His arms were stretched out to me. His fingers reaching for me. With my eyes closed, I took His hand. He led the way. He took the burden from my shoulders and lifted me up. I literally felt the weight come off my shoulders. I literally felt Jesus carry me. He told me I just needed to take His hand. He would carry my burden. It was not for me to carry. I promised Him I would let Him carry us. I promised I would no longer do it on my own. I told Him that if people were to offer, I would accept help. The next day the phone started ringing with offers of help. The help did not stop until Cory was healthy... 2 months later.

The morning after I allowed God to take me by the hand, I sat down to do what I had tried to do the night before. I sat down to read God's word. As I read, I started to cry. God spoke to me straight from His word. Words that had been written long ago. Words God wanted me to hear.

"Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and posses the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out of you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing; a land whose stones are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are full, the you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you." Deuteronomy 8:1-10

As I read these words I knew. I knew God was there. I knew we were being tested. I knew that He was not going to leave us. He would continue to guide us through the desert. Our hearts were being tested, but He was there. He clothed us. He fed us. He paid our mortgage to the penny. As I read these words I just prayed... God please don't let this go on for 40 years!

God was there every day. When I didn't have the strength to give my babies baths, change poopy diapers, or just breathe, God was there. He took the reins and carried me through. There are days I just don't remember. Pretty sure God went ahead and did the whole day for me. There were phone calls and emails from friends and people we'd never met. Prompted by God and giving us words we needed to hear.

I cling to this time because I know that we grew. I think of that season in our life often. I cling because I love that God was right there. Holding my hand. He answered so many prayers... even if they didn't look like we thought they would.

My brother's surgery is coming up. His chemo/radiation treatment was a success and he will now be going in to have half of his esophagus removed and half of his stomach. The Dr. will then reattach everything. The surgery is quite extensive. I have such a peace about this surgery. Maybe it's because almost 2 years ago, Cory was cut open. He went through an extensive emergency surgery. The surgery saved his life. God saved his life. I look at my brother and know that God has blessed him. He has taken his cancer. He is going into this surgery in great shape. God will be there in that operating room. As I look at my brother, his wonderful wife and amazing children, I get excited. God has been with them. He has been carrying them in the same way He carried us. He will be there with his arms wrapped lovingly around Kristin as she sits in the waiting room. I pray that she is surrounded by friends and family in the same way I was. I pray that she feels God's love. I'm excited to see where my brother will be when this is over. I'm excited to see what God is doing in their life and in the lives of others.

A wise friend of mine once told me that instead of wanting to run and hide whenever a difficult situation comes her way, she now sits and looks at it. Wondering how she can learn. Wondering how she can grow. I'm not there yet. I still want to run and hide. Thankfully, I often find myself running into the arms of the Lord. Thankfully, even as I scramble into His lap He is gracious enough to allow me to learn from our experiences. Thankfully, He always holds my hand. Thankfully, He is and will always be there.

I truly am thankful for what we have gone through. I am thankful that I now find so much comfort in the arms of my Jesus. I'm so thankful that I know what that feels like. If we had not gone through difficult times I'm not sure I would know. I would probably be the same person I was. Self-sufficient, selfish, prideful. God went ahead and took that right away and I am so very very thankful.

I cling to this time to remind myself that I truly am NOTHING without God. I cling because as painful as it was, God was there. I cling because I know that as others go through pain, God will be there for them in the same way. As I go through my every day life I don't get to see God in such big ways. The sea is quiet for us now. So, I look back. Not wanting to forget what has shaped me. Not wanting to forget how powerful God has been and continues to be in our life. Never wanting to forget how incredibly good it feels to sit in my Father's lap and just be.

"One generation shall praise Your works to another, And shall declare Your mighty acts. I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty. And on Your wonderous works. Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts, And I will declare Your greatness. They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness, And shall sing of Your righteousness." Psalms 145:4-7