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My heart is heavy and I have been filled with so much sadness. Waves of nausea plague my stomach and tears are never far from falling on my face. My chest feels full as my heart aches.

I pray. And pray. And pray.

Pray for my friends to be blessed with just one more day with their son.

Pray for my brother to live his new goal... 5 more years. Which, honestly, as I look at praying for days, 5 years seems like an amazing blessing. And in the blink of an eye seems like nothing. Not enough.

Pray for a family that goes to my friends church that just lost a 4 year old girl and a grandma in the same car accident.

Pray for a new friend who thinks her sons cancer is back.

Pray for a friend whose daughter continues to have seizures.

Pray for a friend whose waiting to get bloodwork back that will hopefully tell her what's going on in her son's body.

Pray for so many friend's marriages.

Pray for so many battling cancer.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

I am overwhelmed and find myself asking God, "are we there yet?" Can we be there yet?

And then, in a moment, he reminds me...

There are still blessings.

Blessings in the one more day.

Blessings in the time my brother HAS had.

Blessings in the friend who found out she has no more cancer.

Blessings in the friend who found out their new baby is healthy.

Blessings as my friends wait to bring home their baby girl.

Blessings in the miracles that God brings about in the every day. The amazing people he has put on this earth.

Blessings in my family.

Blessings in the sunrise and sunset.

Blessings in the cute chickens that run around my yard.

Blessings in the snuggles, and hugs and kisses from my husband and my children.

So very many blessings.

As I prayed last night for just one more day. For 5 years. And for all the others, God whispered in my ear...

"But, then, they will be with me. In Heaven. Perfect. Healthy. Whole."

And how can you argue with that? They will be home. But, my heart, my heart that aches, is selfish. And I have the hardest time convincing my heart.

So, I cling. I cling to the fact that God knows exactly what He is doing. I cling to the fact that He is sad, he hurts, he cries, right along with us. I cling to the fact that He loves us so much more than we can even begin to understand. I cling to this because if I don't I will be lost. I cling to this because I know it to be true. I cling to this because I've seen the other side of pain. I've known what it's like to be carried and to see all the blessings. The growth. The glory.

And, as I prayed last night God gave me this...

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high,
I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You..." Psalm 139:1-18

He knows. All that pains my heart, he knows. He knows my friends son from the inside out. He knows the number of his days. My brother's too. And as tears fall, I continue to pray for days, weeks and years. Pray that whomever this is meant to reach that they would have ears to hear. Eyes to see. Hearts that are open. I pray for blessings and comfort and strength in abundance.

I pray. And pray. And pray.