Growing Pains

I've been struggling a lot lately. We are doing a series at church called Better Together. We are learning just how important it truly is to love not only other believers, but also unbelievers. I struggle with what this looks like.

I must admit, I'm in a bit of a bubble. Most of my friends are saved. They will be with me in Heaven someday. I am so thankful for them. I thankful that I know where their future lies. I'm thankful that they have Jesus through good and through bad. I'm thankful to have an amazing support network. People who pray for me. And although I'm thankful for "good thoughts", I know prayers go much farther.

What I struggle with is what this looks like. We've talked about this a lot at homegroup. What does it look like to love and not condone. I've realized lately that the closer I get to Jesus the more passionate I become. I've seriously thought to myself that I wouldn't make a very good evangelist. I want to shake sense into people. Okay, maybe not literally shake... well, maybe. Both believers and non-believers. I watch them. I wish they would see what I see. I wish they would seek the Lord. If only they would go to the Lord.

I am a fixer. Not saying I'm a good one, but when someone shares something with me, I want to fix it. When I share something, I'm seriously not just looking for someone to listen. I want it fixed. I want solutions. When we started this series in our homegroup we all went around sharing what we wanted from homegroup. Why we were there. I very passionately shared that I so want people's relationships to deepen with the Lord. I want people's relationships to deepen with each other. I want authenticity. What drives my passion is that I want people to get closer to God while they get the choice. In my crazy head, I want to tell them this so that maybe, just maybe, they can avoid going through the kind of pain we've gone through. Ridiculous, I know. What my wise friend pointed out was that unfortunately people don't grow when times are easy. Growth occurs when we are on our knees. Faces on the floor.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

If I look back on our 10 years of marriage it definitely wasn't until the last 3 years that I craved the Lord. We had struggles before this... financial struggles, infertility and even a miscarriage. All were painful. All had us questioning. Crazy enough, these things seemed to make us just work harder. We didn't really look to the Lord for help. We took it upon ourselves to fix it. The last 3 years though. We didn't have a choice. We realized recently that we have not gone more that 9 months without something painful. July 2005, Cory's sister, Traci, had her 1st ulcerative colitis flare. She was incredibly sick for months. The Dr's couldn't figure out what was wrong. She got sicker and sicker. Finally, she was diagnosed, put herself on a special diet and by December was starting to feel a little better. May 2006, Cory's dad, Scott was diagnosed with colon cancer and given 18 months. It was right after this that we were on our way to a couples retreat and the song, Praise You in This Storm came on. Cory loved the song. I didn't. I didn't want a storm. It was also right after this that Cory started to get sick. In June he ended up in the E.R. and stayed 3 nights in the hospital. Shortly after this he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. His health continued to deteriorate. December 1st, Cory went into the hospital. He was in the hospital until December 21st. The next spring, Scott's health started to get worse. In August, we found out that Traci was pregnant. In August, Cole joined our family. In September we found out that Scott had 8 weeks. In October, Traci's UC was flaring. She spent the next few months in and out of the hospital. In November, 3 weeks before Cory's 1 year anniversary of his surgery, Traci was taken into emergency surgery. Her baby was given a 50% chance of surviving. We all feared for both her and her baby. On December 6th, Scott went to be with Jesus and Pam. That same day, Traci came home from the hospital. On March 6th, Jonas Alan Scott was born. Healthy! July 31st, 2008, we found out my brother had cancer.

On August 10th, I told God I'd had it. Hadn't we had enough? Why do some people seem to go through so much and others can't seem to go a week without more blessings. August 11th, God graciously filled me with His spirit. He carried me. He still carries me. I'm pretty sure if it were up to me, I would still be curled in a ball on my bed. Okay, maybe not. But I probably wouldn't be much better.

What I love is that I now crave God. I know what it feels like to have Him carry me. Not just to know he's carrying me. I FEEL Him. I love to curl up in my favorite chair with my coffee in hand, read His words and feel Him in the room with me. It's like I'm having "coffee-talk" with Jesus. I love that my heart is full when I've spent time with Him. I love that I can feel Him challenging me. I can feel Him stretching me. I can see that my life is nothing without Him. I want more of Him. Could I have gotten here without the last three years. Could I be here without having multiple wrestling matches with the Lord. If life had been easy, would I crave the Lord.

Why can't we get there without the pain? Why can't we just watch others' lives and grow? Why can't we crave the Lord by watching others? Why can't I just shake people and they'll understand. I know, not effective.

My kids have grown a lot recently. They are so excited about it. They love looking at the marks on the doorway and seeing how much they grown. They've also had growing pains. Ella has woken up in the middle of the night crying. Her legs aching and all I can do is rub them. But, she loves that she's growing. She was so excited tonight that she was taller. She ran around with shouts of joy. Isn't that how we are? We cry through the growing pains, but when they're done, we yell out shouts of praise to the Lord. We love where we are. We're thankful to have grown.

So back to my original struggle. How do we love and not condone? How do we love and not want to shake someone? How do I not shout out, "seriously, do you want all this pain?" I guess I just continue to pray that God would show me. That just by living my life and craving Him, maybe others will see. I guess, maybe I need to learn that it's okay to embrace our growing pains. After all, it is always so exciting when we grow.