I Lied

It started last year. It started with a house. Cory took me to see a house. He showed me where the fences would go. He showed me where the barn would be. He showed me where my parents could live. It all sounded perfect...

The house that would be perfect? It sold days after we put ours on the market.

Then there was the house on the hill. It too, was perfect. It was older. It had red shag carpet. It hadn't had any updates since the 70's, I'm sure. But, it was perfect. Cory showed me where the fences would be. He showed me where the barn would be. He showed me where my parents could live. It was perfect...

We went to that house one day. We didn't feel we were asking for anything crazy. It's not like it was a huge beautiful house on the hill. It was old. It was rundown. It had room for our kids to run and play. It had room for chickens and alpacas and goats. We sat in the yard, faces to the ground, praying...

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

On our way down the driveway, we stopped the car and grabbed a couple of beautiful leaves off one of the trees. I still have that leaf in my bible. It marks Matthew 7:7.

Then my brother got sick. My parents took their house off the market. They would not be moving back. We would not live right next door to each other. I was okay. God's hand was so evident. I was beyond thankful that our "perfect" plan had not worked out.

Our house has stayed on the market. We've had very few showings since September. It's priced too high. We have no need to give it away. We have always known that God could sell it no matter what. We've still held on to our dream...

It didn't used to be my dream. At all. I lived in a neighborhood until I was 10. I loved all that it had to offer. I was fine living in a neighborhood for the rest of my life. Cory was not. He grew up on property. Our first house was the first house that he lived in that was in a neighborhood. He's been itching to get out ever since. I wasn't interested in property. Or farm life. Really.

Then my heart changed.

I saw it all last summer. Saw my kids running down the driveway. Covered in dirt. Wearing their boots. Smiling from ear to ear. I saw us working hard. And loving it. I saw Ella collecting eggs. The boys scooping poop. Swinging in tire swings. I started to dream last summer. My desire for my family started to change. I wanted out of our neighborhood.

We had no desire for a fancy house. Quite the opposite really. We'd take whatever we could get as long as it could fit us all and it was on property. I'd take red carpet and wood panelled walls. I truly did not care.

But nothing was happening with our house.

There's been a house on the market for almost a year now. Last summer it was WAY out of our price range. It's now on the high end. We drove by last Friday. Cory showed me where the fence would be. We walked among the apple trees. I smelled the Daphne. We fell in love. Our children fell in love. We had a new plan.

We would refinance. We would rent our house. We would buy our dream.

Cory prayed that if this was not God's will for us, that He would slam the doors shut.

I told myself that I was okay with this. I told Cory I was okay with this. That I was content with whatever happened. That if we needed to live in this house for a few more years that I would be great with it. I would love to live in the old farm house, but I was just fine living here too.

I lied.

I didn't know it. But, I lied.

Cory made some calls yesterday. Took our house off the market and called the mortgage company. When the phone rang he said,

"I've got bad news and even badder news. We can't refinance for 3 months because our house has been on the market, and we have to have proof of renting our house out for 12 months."

"So, is this God slamming the door shut??"

Apparently.

And apparently I was lying.

I'm crushed.

It's just funny to me. I had no desire for any of this. I loved our house. I loved our neighborhood. I would be fine if I never lived on acreage. Then my heart changed. And now I sit here. With dreams for my family that can go nowhere right now. Knowing that we aren't going anywhere for awhile.

I'm crushed.

The blessing? I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God knows where we will be. He knows our desire. And if He wills it, it will happen. He knows what is best for us. He knows exactly where we should be. And apparently, this house and this neighborhood is where he has us for now. So, I'm going to hold tight to that. I'll hold on to the fact that he knows best.

Then I'll take one last look...