Seriously

*****Repost from 11/19/08*****

A friend of mine recently told me that seriously is my word. Apparently, I say it a lot. I do. I say it in everyday conversation with friends, family and God. Seriously.

When I think about it, I say it for many different reasons. If something good happens? Seriously is said with excitement. If something bad? Not as much excitement, more of a question... you've got to be kidding me. When I say it to God, it's usually as I'm stomping up the stairs, throwing a fit and wondering just what kind of mess I'm about to meet. Seriously speaking, it's my way of throwing a tantrum with few words. It's often followed by an "I quit". Nice.

Seriously. Can you imagine someone asking God, "seriously?" and following it up with an "I quit". What a grateful daughter of God I am. I wonder if it frustrates God. I wonder if it makes Him sad. I wonder if He laughs at how ridiculous I am. I wonder if He's just glad that I'm talking to Him. I wonder.

Truly, I would NEVER want to quit this job. Sure there are moments where it's tempting. I seriously remember the first time I wanted to quit. I was VERY pregnant with Jackson. Caden was 2. I had a great idea to stop by and visit with my Mom and have lunch with her. I made Caden what he wanted for lunch, set it down in front of him, and then something very unexpected happened. He threw a fit! I gave him what he wanted and he threw a fit. Well, hormones were raging, I was tired and wanted nothing to do with his fit. I packed him up in the car... well, I tried. As I went to put him in the car seat, he arched his back (one of my least favorite things that a child can do) and screamed louder than I had heard him scream. Ever. He continued screaming as we drove down the road. He's screaming. I'm crying. I turned the music up as loud as I could just trying to drown out his screams. I called Cory and said, "I quit. I don't like my job right now and I would just like to quit."

Obviously, this is not a job I can quit. Obviously, I would never want to quit. There are way too many reasons not to. God has blessed me far more than I deserve. He has loaned me these beautiful children. He has trusted me to raise them. I love my "job" most of the time. I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are just times that I would like to escape to Mexico... I'd even take hiding under the covers.

Unfortunately, I don't get to escape all that often, but I am able to run to God. I get to throw my fits, talk to Him, and ask Him to carry my load. Maybe He does like my fits. Seriously. It's in those moments when I NEED to cling to Him. I don't have an option... well, I do, but I don't. If I expect to make it through, it will only be done by Him. I do not have it in me. I just don't. I'm not superhuman or supermom. I NEED God to make it through.

I'm sure that at the very moment I'm stomping up the stairs that God is throwing His arms wide open. Getting ready for me to run into His arms. Getting ready for me to talk to Him. Getting ready to guide me through. Thank you God. Thank you Father. Thank you Daddy. Thank you for opening your arms wide. Thank you for putting up with my fits. Sorry that it often takes a fit for me to crawl into your lap. Thanks for loving me anyway. I love you too!! Seriously.