2 years

I often find myself referring to two years ago. Cory was sick. We had just had Brenton. Life was beyond crazy. Beyond difficult. Life was like I had never known it. I was thinking about it last night. Wondering if it annoys people that I bring it up so much. Wondering why it is always something that I talk about. I realized I talk about it so much because it was such a defining moment in my life.

Cory being sick changed me. It changed who I was. It changed how I loved. It changed how I thought. It changed how I thought to bless others. It changed how I looked at my husband. It changed how I looked at my God. It changed my relationship with Him.

When Cory was sick I was forced to cling to God like I had never before. I was backed into a corner. The only way out was to take God's hand. Four days before Cory went into the hospital, I remember going to bed. Unable to sleep, I decided to run to God's word. Hoping to get some comfort. I opened my Bible and in my sheer exhaustion I was unable to hold my eyes open enough to see the words. I closed my Bible and began to pray. I told God I had no idea what to pray for. Where do I start? What do I do? Where are we to go from here? With my eyes closed, I could feel the burden. My shoulders were heavy. I'd been trying to do it all on my own. I accepted help from no one. We were "fine". With my eyes closed, I saw a light. I saw myself walking in a snowstorm. My head against the fierce wind. My eyes down. My shoulders burdened with a heavy load. I saw Jesus ahead of me. His arms were stretched out to me. His fingers reaching for me. With my eyes closed, I took His hand. He led the way. He took the burden from my shoulders and lifted me up. I literally felt the weight come off my shoulders. I literally felt Jesus carry me. He told me I just needed to take His hand. He would carry my burden. It was not for me to carry. I promised Him I would let Him carry us. I promised I would no longer do it on my own. I told Him that if people were to offer, I would accept help. The next day the phone started ringing with offers of help. The help did not stop until Cory was healthy... 2 months later.

The morning after I allowed God to take me by the hand, I sat down to do what I had tried to do the night before. I sat down to read God's word. As I read, I started to cry. God spoke to me straight from His word. Words that had been written long ago. Words God wanted me to hear.

"Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and posses the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out of you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing; a land whose stones are iron and out of whose hills you can dig copper. When you have eaten and are full, the you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land which He has given you." Deuteronomy 8:1-10

As I read these words I knew. I knew God was there. I knew we were being tested. I knew that He was not going to leave us. He would continue to guide us through the desert. Our hearts were being tested, but He was there. He clothed us. He fed us. He paid our mortgage to the penny. As I read these words I just prayed... God please don't let this go on for 40 years!

God was there every day. When I didn't have the strength to give my babies baths, change poopy diapers, or just breathe, God was there. He took the reins and carried me through. There are days I just don't remember. Pretty sure God went ahead and did the whole day for me. There were phone calls and emails from friends and people we'd never met. Prompted by God and giving us words we needed to hear.

I cling to this time because I know that we grew. I think of that season in our life often. I cling because I love that God was right there. Holding my hand. He answered so many prayers... even if they didn't look like we thought they would.

My brother's surgery is coming up. His chemo/radiation treatment was a success and he will now be going in to have half of his esophagus removed and half of his stomach. The Dr. will then reattach everything. The surgery is quite extensive. I have such a peace about this surgery. Maybe it's because almost 2 years ago, Cory was cut open. He went through an extensive emergency surgery. The surgery saved his life. God saved his life. I look at my brother and know that God has blessed him. He has taken his cancer. He is going into this surgery in great shape. God will be there in that operating room. As I look at my brother, his wonderful wife and amazing children, I get excited. God has been with them. He has been carrying them in the same way He carried us. He will be there with his arms wrapped lovingly around Kristin as she sits in the waiting room. I pray that she is surrounded by friends and family in the same way I was. I pray that she feels God's love. I'm excited to see where my brother will be when this is over. I'm excited to see what God is doing in their life and in the lives of others.

A wise friend of mine once told me that instead of wanting to run and hide whenever a difficult situation comes her way, she now sits and looks at it. Wondering how she can learn. Wondering how she can grow. I'm not there yet. I still want to run and hide. Thankfully, I often find myself running into the arms of the Lord. Thankfully, even as I scramble into His lap He is gracious enough to allow me to learn from our experiences. Thankfully, He always holds my hand. Thankfully, He is and will always be there.

I truly am thankful for what we have gone through. I am thankful that I now find so much comfort in the arms of my Jesus. I'm so thankful that I know what that feels like. If we had not gone through difficult times I'm not sure I would know. I would probably be the same person I was. Self-sufficient, selfish, prideful. God went ahead and took that right away and I am so very very thankful.

I cling to this time to remind myself that I truly am NOTHING without God. I cling because as painful as it was, God was there. I cling because I know that as others go through pain, God will be there for them in the same way. As I go through my every day life I don't get to see God in such big ways. The sea is quiet for us now. So, I look back. Not wanting to forget what has shaped me. Not wanting to forget how powerful God has been and continues to be in our life. Never wanting to forget how incredibly good it feels to sit in my Father's lap and just be.

"One generation shall praise Your works to another, And shall declare Your mighty acts. I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty. And on Your wonderous works. Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts, And I will declare Your greatness. They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness, And shall sing of Your righteousness." Psalms 145:4-7