Warning - Personal Convictions Ahead

I am: Loved. Growing. A sinner. Forgiven by God. Stretching. Convicted. Searching. Seeking.

I am not: Gracious.

The most fantastic thing has been happening over the last 2 years. As I posted before, I have grown. I have been stretched. I have gotten to a place with God that I could not have imagined. I feel a closeness with him that I cherish and I love my "coffee talk" with God.

As I've grown closer, my line, as a friend would call it, has shifted. What was once okay, is no longer. I used to love several TV shows. I had no problem with them. I wasn't living my life that way, after all. I'm an adult. The shows weren't affecting me. It was fine. Movies? Same thing. Not that I've ever been one to watch super questionable stuff, but still. However, over time, I've heard God telling me to steer clear. Don't go there. Don't fill my head with things that are not of Him.

I've been convicted about my body. I used to hate my body. I would look at the mirror, curse what I saw, and pray that we would have the money someday to correct what carrying, birthing and nursing children has done to my body. Thankfully, God changed my eyes. I woke up one morning and instead of awful, I saw God's creation. He made me. He does not mess up. I have been blessed with a healthy body. My body is a treasure. I also felt like God was saying, "what are you teaching your daughter?" How will she feel after having her babies? Her body will most likely look like mine. Do I really want to make her feel like she is flawed because I have chosen to fix myself? Nope. I'd rather let her see that we are normal. People with bodies that like to show "scars" from the miracle of babies. I'm not saying I don't struggle with weight I pack on, but, as a whole, I'm okay with what God has blessed me with. To keep it healthy is my job.

I've been convicted about drinking coffee. We were going through a series about finances at church. We were looking at how we spend our money... which is really not ours at all. It is God's. Are we being good stewards? Are we spending wisely? I went to go by creamer one day. The price? $3.73 for a bottle of creamer!! Seriously. There was no way I could spend that much on creamer. Not when I have previously been able to buy it for $1.98. No way. I felt like God put it on my heart to stop. Stop spending the money. It could be used elsewhere. So, I drove home from the store. Feeling like I had lost my best friend. For 6 weeks I did not drink coffee. It was, perhaps, the worst 6 weeks of my families lives. I was crabby. Forgetful. Foggy. Crabby. Oh, and crabby. After praying about it, I figured out, it wasn't about the coffee. It was about the spending. Where did I need to cut back. I calculated how much I spend in a year on creamer and decided that coffee was more important that getting my hair done. I desired coffee more than nice make-up. So, I chose to scale back in other areas.

I've been convicted about being authentic. Obviously. I can easily say that I was not a person who would lay it all out there for the world to see. I was always "fine". My children were perfect. We didn't have problems. We were put together. Appearance meant a lot to me. I know that this does not make God smile. He is not okay with that. Putting on a false front is just another way to make people feel like they are less. Why go there?

I've been convicted about being a mom. I realized that I was placing way too much priority on keeping the house clean. I was always saying, "just a second. Let me just finish _____" I realized my children were not my priority. I was not finding joy in my children. I've been letting go... just ask my husband!

Here's the kicker... I'm a very black and white person. I am not gracious. When I get convicted it's hard for me to not want to tell everyone. I seriously feel that everyone should feel the way I do. I know this is absolutely ridiculous. I know. Tell that to my black and white head. I have a hard time realizing that just because I am where I am does not mean that everyone is here. My convictions are not my friends convictions. God does not speak to us in the same ways. I struggle because my head goes places I DO NOT like.

I have friends that are amazingly gracious... in all they do. They are gracious with their time. They are gracious with their homes. They do not judge. I wish I had been made like them. I was praying last night. Praying that God would make me more gracious. Then, I took it back. I don't want that. You know what THAT means? THAT means that I would be put in situation after situation where I would HAVE to be gracious. That God would go ahead and let me practice... it's the same way when praying for peace. God goes ahead and gives it to you by allowing you to practice again and again. So, I just asked that I could wake up being gracious. Silly. I know. I thought I'd try.

I'm learning that just like it's usually not an easy path that brings you closer to God, it's also not easy for me knowing just what to do with my convictions. They make so much sense in my head... my "wonderfully made", black and white head. So, for those that I've pushed my convictions on, I'm sorry. I'm learning.

Lord, I'm sorry for not being more like you. I'm sorry for not being more gracious. I'm sorry for judging. I'm sorry for going there. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.