Therapeutic Ramblings

I sat at my kitchen table and cried last night. I'm not sure what kind of tears they were... Tears of joy? Tears of sadness? Tears caused by the fact that my baby is about to turn 2? Tears because anxiety has started creeping in whenever I think of my brother? Tears caused by a lovely little friend that in all poetic justice is going to arrive on my sons 2nd birthday? Regardless, I sat and stared at my sweet almost 2 year old as he climbed up into my lap and stayed for a nice long while.

I get teary sitting here thinking about it (seriously, I'm sure that my hormones have GOT to have something to do with this!). Two years ago, Brenton was still in my belly. He was 4 days overdue. I could not wait to meet him. I was such a mix of emotions. I wanted him to come out. I wanted him to be safe. I wanted him to come naturally. At 4 days past due, induction was starting to stare me in the face. I did not want to be induced. I knew that Brenton would be my last baby. I knew that I would never get to experience childbirth again. I wanted the spontaneity that comes with going into childbirth naturally. The night before I was to be induced I was seriously thinking about calling off the induction. Couldn't I just be monitored? After all, I was only a week overdue. But then, that night, I didn't feel him moving. I drank juice. Layed on my side. Did everything they say you should do. I was freaking out a bit. Then, as I got ready to make a phone call, he kicked. In that moment, I put away my selfish desires and decided that he needed to come out the next day. What if something were to happen while I waited to have him naturally? Nope. I would get induced.

I sat watching him last night. He has brought so much joy to our family. He is the perfect fit. God knew exactly what we needed in this family. He knew exactly what I needed. I feel like Brenton exudes God's joy and love. He radiates. Of course, he drives me crazy at times. He is almost 2 after all and no one is perfect. But oh, when he reaches for my hand and just wants a love... my heart melts.

I then thought about the last 2 years. So much has happened in the last 2 years. Two years ago as we waited for Brenton to arrive, Cory's health was spiralling downward. We often joke that when Brenton was born, I actually had twins. A month after B was born, Cory was couch ridden. I was not only taking care of a newborn and 3 more kids 5 and under, but I was also taking care of my 30 year old husband. As I celebrated Brenton's 1st's, I prayed that my husband would heal. That God would take his pain. As I went on field trips and cared for my children I watched Cory get weaker and weaker.

It is by the grace of God that Cory finally went to the Dr. The Dr. took one look at him and sent him to the ICU. Not even just straight to the hospital. The ICU. He was so worried that his heart was going to fail. He was so sick. God saved his life that day. Nine days later God saved his life again. He was to be discharged from the hospital. The Dr. saw something that wasn't quite right. She did more tests and off he went into emergency surgery. Had she not found that, he would have died.

The day after his surgery I got a little message from God. It was through my baby. As I changed him in the ICU bathroom, he giggled for the first time. He made me giggle through my tears. God knew I needed him.

I love that God uses our children as reminders. They are reminders of His love for us. Even when they drive me nuts and I want to run away I see what God must see in us at times. When we throw fits. When we fight with our brothers and sisters. When we are disrespectful. I see God's smile in my children. I hear his laughter. I see such a great sense of humor. God is amazing.

He continues to be amazing. I stood in the shower and prayed last night. Praying that God would take my anxieties about my brother. He is done with his chemo/radiation and now we just wait on the tests. Honestly, I'm nervous. I prayed in bed, lifting my hands to God, opening my palms, trying to let go. Why is that so hard? I feel like this is where Satan is trying to get a foothold. He is trying. I will not let him. I could use prayer. My brother's family could use prayer.

As I think back over the last 2 years, I see so many miracles. We have had our share of storms, but God has been there. We've had so many moments where he made us giggle. We have Cory's health. We have our children, those born to us and Cole who was brought to us. We have my sweet sister in law, Traci. A year ago, we were worried about her health. About her baby. But God protected her. God kept her safe. He made Jonas thrive and grow even when Traci was so unhealthy. They survived surgery together against all odds. They are miracles. I'm thankful for those storms. I know that because we've been through them before, that we will go through them again and God will always be there.

He WILL always be there!