Tired. Done. Broken.

I've been so tired lately. Tired of trying to figure out the best way to raise my children. Tired of fighting with my husband. Tired of praying and having to be okay with the outcome. Tired.

Last week the phone rang. It was my mom. One of my brother's lymph nodes had grown a bit, but as my brother said they weren't that concerned since it was still under 1 cm. What did have them a little concerned was that one of his blood counts were up. Instead of in the normal range which is around 3, his was 33. Truly, I was a little concerned, but knew that it just had to be nothing. And if it wasn't nothing, it was early and all would be well.

We've prayed for my brother all week. All week.

Then, the phone rang yesterday. It was my mom. I was already having a crummy day and almost didn't pick up. But, I did. There were those words. I couldn't understand. Her words made no sense. I made her repeat herself. And then, my stomach turned.

I had to call Cory. Surely, he could make sense of it all. Gasping for air I told him the news. He came straight home to hold me. To comfort me.

I. Don't. Understand.

My brother.

There has to be a mistake.

I talked to my brother yesterday and he too is trying to make sense of it all. He said that his Dr.'s medical opinion is that his cancer is incurable because it seems to have survived through his intense chemo and radiation last fall. Incurable because it is back and is moving quite aggressively. Currently, it is not in any of his organs, but is in lymph nodes throughout his body. His Dr. recommended getting a second opinion. They are going to try and see if they can see a Dr. at a big cancer research center in Seattle in the next week.

How can this be?

My brother.

Quite frankly. I'm done. Done. Really, I'm not okay with anything less than a miracle. I'm not. I hesitate even saying those words. I can hear the gasps. I don't care.

I don't care that Heaven is so much better than here. The point is that it's not here. It's not here with his wonderful wife. It's not here with his children. It's not here with his Mom and Dad. It's not here with his sisters.

After last weeks news I was talking to my brother. I said that cancer sucks. He told me it didn't. That it builds character.

What good is character if you're not here to show your boys how to be men. What's the point??

I find myself gasping. Trying to find air. Knowing it's there somewhere.

I don't understand.

I'm praying for a miracle. Praying that Chris's Dr. was wrong. Praying he had no clue what he was talking about. Praying that he would be healed here on earth. Praying for Kristin. Praying for Connor, Brooklynn and Kyle. Praying.